Monday, October 25, 2010

The Slide

It's been a long, slow, slide down the slippery road to hell this year.  My depression began in July, and slowly dragged me into the muck and mire of "The Pit", where I've spent considerable time soaked with tears and drowning in dark thoughts, researching suicide options and their messiness ratings...where would i go so that I wouldn't be readily discovered, especially by Matt...and all the other "thinking" that goes with this phase.  How worthless I am....how much I've disappointed everyone, and keep disappointing them.  For awhile, I had reached a stage where as long as I could "work" my way to being valuable....by doing the most I could do to be thought well of...not ever expecting to be cherished, although that's been my life's desire....but enough to earn some "credits" on my life's account that's forever in the red///I can't do that anymore.  I'm too sick to do all the things I used to do...to be able to help other people, and therefore earn my merit...now I am worthless and valueless again.  This is very frightening because I thought the Lithium was my lifeline, but it appears that after 3 years maybe not.  This is not comforting.  The next course suggested is Electro convulsive therapy, which I have assisted in administering, but have never received, and it just seems such a drastic and barbaric treatment...and what happens if it doesn't work?  What relief can I expect and from where? I don't know how many more trips to hell I can stand, and the recovery process though dramatic in the removal of dark thoughts, the weepy sadness continues, and it seems as if I'm stuck only half way back. At 51 I'm an old soul with more to look back on and little to look forward to.  That's no comfort either.  This load is getting harder and harder to carry...the burden of all that has occurred after my innocence was taken from me.  People who don't understand think that "abuse" is a singular event, or span of time that ends when the touching and manipulation ends, but unfortunately it's not.  The child that I was....the potential that I had as that intact child with all the hopes and dreams of that innocence was murdered, and only the gaping wound remained, waiting to be healed....waiting....waiting to be healed.  Try to imagine a child....with that open wound...in your presence.  Would you expect that child to think, feel, behave and grow as if he/she wasn't wounded?  Would your expectations be that they think, feel, and behave as if they aren't wounded?  That is most often the case...the walking wounded, never be able to achieve or fulfill the expectations that existed before the murder...before the wound...go through life emotionally, spiritually, and very often physically wounded by addictions and illness...disabled.  Like a wounded veteran with an amputation...walking with a limp...except that no one blames them for walking with a limp...no one says...why did you make that choice to get blown up, shot at.  It would be so wonderful to share that burden....be relieved of having to carry the weight of all that guilt....to have the full extent of my injury acknowledged not for the purpose of blame, but for the purpose of validation....This road has been long and hard....and very, very lonely. I want to get off this road, but I don't know how to make it happen on my own because relieving some of my pain means that someone else must take it on, and that will cause them pain.  I'm not sure whether self protection is the reason behind the lack of understanding, or simply just plain old lack of understanding.  My sister called me the other day after meeting with her accupuncturist and seemed very surprised that when she shared my history with him of Fibromyalgia etc. he immediately asked if I had been abused!  It never occurred to me that she didn't know that the two were related!!!