Can U C Me

New Year...New Focus

2012-01-29T13:38:00.002-05:00

It's been a tough 13 months, but now that we're officially in to 2012 I can honestly say that I believe the WORST is behind me. I say that with trepidation, as whenever I "claim" improvement, some demon somewhere decides to crash land in my soup and splatter my optimism all over my happier little face! Anyway, the point is, that the best part of 2011 occurred at exactly 11:59:59 December 31st 2011, and even that lasted too long!
As a New Year resolution for 2012 I have decided to rebel against the medical establishment that has filled me up with toxic medicines. The side effects of such "panacea's" has been a host of debilitating side effects that have rendered me too ill to function in this world. I may live longer...but living in bed is not all it's cracked up to be...sorry John and Yoko...but you know it's true!
I've also decided to take a closer look at our Canadian issues, as opposed to being glued to the everyday disasters of the US. Sure, they maybe more "sexy" than us Canadian folk...but at my age "sexy" is highly over rated!
So in honor of my new found interest in Canadian politics, please follow this hilarious YouTube link, or look it up yourself on you tube (if you're paranoid) entitled Canada for President...you'll love it! (if you're Canadian...if you're not then just skip it!) Happy New Year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XBNQTZyssg&context=C374fcc6ADOEgsToPDskJh1vTAnhiEaIpqZVwEgU0w

HELP PLEASE-Fighting Fibromyalgia with increased symptoms ?

2011-12-02T00:04:00.002-05:00

It has been a really tough year, and seems to be heading for an even tougher one. I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but my symptoms of acute pain and fatigue have been joined by uncontrollable nausea, and severe sensitivity to scents causing me to vomit/heave. Everything gets worse for a week or so before my period (perimenopausal) where I'm bedridden with uncontrolllable pain and migraines then I have abaout 5 or 6 good days ( during which I try to get caught up on all the things I've been unable to do). This is followed by the acute nausea (I lost 15 lbs last month...couldn't eat)phase again. I'm thinking of stopping most of my meds to clear my system.....heart....bipolar2....fibrro. Don't know what else to do. Evry time they try me on a new med I get sicker. HELP...Any fellow sufferes having these issues? I would love to here from you. PLEASE!

Jesus Christ and the german shepherds!

2011-09-18T22:47:00.004-04:00

As you know, if you read CAN U C ME, I lost my Mother this summer, and although Mom and I had a checkered past, we had become closer, and I knew more about who she was. So when the Funeral was set and we were off to the Church I knew that this is where she would have pictured herself being 9 from an earthly perspective, as she had spent many years at Holy Rosary. I no longer attended mass with my parents when I visited, if I was well enough I attended a Methodist Church, and although at first I know my family was disturbed by that, but appeared to accept it as time went on. Anyway, after Mom had been taken, and we watched the Hearst carry her away, I suddenly felt a longing to be alone in the beautiful Church, away for the business of the reception. Catholic Churches still hold a reverence for me, and one of the most beautiful parts are the splendid stained glass windows. I took my time, going from window to window, and talking to God and Mother while I went. I finally came to the window that depicts the wonders of the birth of Christ Jesus. Mary and Joseph were there, the manger, and Jesus in swaddling clothes and the....my mind thought it was deceiving itself at first, (some deeper Fibro Fog that was distorting the images I saw), but try as I might I couldn't remove the 2 German Shepherds lying in the front left corner...I called in my family, just to ensure I wasn't having some psychotic break...and they too saw the German Shepherds...upfront...in the Manger Scene!!!!!
Apparently the priest who ran the Church during it's window making days, liked German Shepherds! Well I like German Shepherds too, but I heartily doubt I would even think that I had the right to insert my own personal passion into a piece of art commissioned for the beautification of the communities Church!!! Apparently there are "German shepherd" images inserted in other areas...what if the next priest has a passion for tarantulas!!!!
Now what would Martin Luther have said about that!

Nate & Matthew take on....The Pond Monsters

2011-09-16T01:05:00.010-04:00

The first summer after we moved into this house I decided I must build a pond. Ponds weren't trendy then, and I was too poor to get a fancy kit from a garden supply house, so I went down to our local pool installer and asked him if I could rummage through the cast off pool liners...he said "sure" because he had no use for them ( several years later you had to put your name on a list and pay a small dividend!) So off I went and hauled back a bright blue pool liner, and a black tarp (pool cover) to hide the blue. My yard was bare so I picked a spot in the middle towards the fence that led to the forest.

I dug for what seemed like an eternity and my son Andrew dug until he said it was 24" deep and we ended up with a small pond about 6 feet round, and 18" deep! I loved it, and every frog for miles loved it...the birds loved it...and anytime we had visitors we all went out to sit around "the pond"! Over the years the renovations of the pond took us to a new level where our goldfish over wintered and we were blessed with baby gold fish, Since I've been ill the pond and garden have suffered severe neglect, and I have been unable to enjoy it, or our summer firepit for at least 5 years. There was so much muck in the bottom that you couldn't run a pump, and I couldn't put fish in. My waterlilies (that had grown happily in No Frills baskets for 18 years) finally died too. Just last weekend, Matt and his friend Nate decided to take on the task of cleaning out the pond, and you have never seen 2 dirtier boys in the process!!! But if they weren't scary enough to look at you must see these monster frogs that are now swimming happily at a nearby abandoned quarry!!! Take into account the size of the boys hands holding the frogs....they're much bigger than mine.....

Any way...I am so excited that we will be able to have fish again, and sit by the fire roasting giant marshmallows as the bullfrogs serenade us! Also the fish will rid us of the mosquito larvae so my son Paul will able to sit aoutside with out fear of WestNile virus!!!(city boy!)

The Prettiest Girl in the World turned 6

2011-09-12T11:51:00.005-04:00

On September 6th, this little beauty turned six years old. It hardly seems possible, and yet there she is, hugging our little "Ollie" (who doesn't look extremely happy, but is cooperating, which says allot for a Chi!
Gracie shares her birthday with another favorite person of mine, my Grandmother...Grace would have loved her too, and Granny would have fussed over Grace as if she were the only little girl in the world!
I am a lousy Grandmother....I live too far away to be of any use, and being ill further complicates my capacity to be the silly, fun loving, crazy granny that I want to be. I know that you'll think I'm just bragging, but Gracie truly IS the most brilliant 6 year old ever! And it doesn't even need to be said...but I'll say it anyway....she is, and has always been (since the moment of birth...which you can't often truly say) the most beautiful girl ever!! I am a poor substitute for her Uncle "Map" (she can of course now say Matt but I cling to the days when I would say "Hello Gracie...it's Granny G..." to which she would respond..."where's Uncle Map?"...and there our conversation would end!! I think that if I had the undying force of thwe Energy Bunny I might rate higher in her book, but who can blame her!! There was a time when Matt needed an afternoon nap, but that had long since expired until he spent the day with Grace....and then they both needed one!! It's funny when you think about how when we're young, we can't wait to grow up, and do all the things that the adults do...and yet when we grow old, we spend most of our time thinking about when we, and everyone else was young!

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday sweet Gracie

Happy Birthday to you!

XXXXXX000000

Night Musings

2011-09-12T08:20:00.005-04:00

The other night, when I couldn't sleep, which seems crazy after all the drugs I've consumed in order to achieve it, I gave up and was beckoned outside by this glorious moon. The clouds were moving, but only infinitesimally, so that you had to look away for a second and then look back to really see they had changed. The garden was bright, and the bullfrogs croaked in unison! There was scuffling going on in the woods behind us...nocturnal business of some kind. I was reminded of a night when I sat quietly beside the pond, and in the lights on the bushes a small silhouette seemingly fell out of the sky, and onto the gravel path before me. It was about the size of my hand, and busy with something so important that it didn't seem to notice my presence. As my eyes adjusted to the light I realized that it was a very small owl (sawheet I think) eating an even smaller mouse! I was entranced as I shared this moment. I tried to hold my breath for fear of giving away my presence, and then after it was done it turned it's head, in that Linda Blair fashion, looked at me straight in the eyes, and then flew up into the Pines! It was as if he had known I was there all the time, but had given me permission to witness his evening meal, and I felt an extreme sense of privilege that he had! I suppose if there's a moral to this story it must be that sometimes sleep is overrated and maybe something more magical awaits us if we choose to take the opportunity.

The Funeral

2011-09-07T16:38:00.004-04:00

It's seems like a long time ago, and then again, it seems like last week, that we held the wake and funeral mass for my Mother, this past July 13Th. I think that funerals today should stand by a new and improved ritual that recognizes the need to come to terms with what has happened, rather than to be caught in the stress and rush of losing a loved one and at the same time organizing their last most important act on earth all in a matter of a couple of days. It's not as if we are bound by Muslim or Jewish traditions? (I don't think anyway!) and it's not as if we don't have the ability to hold on to our loved one for a few days more??? I don't get it.

Anyway, I would have liked to have put together a video memorial to Mom, showing all the wonderful pictures of her through the years (Dad took allot of pictures of her....I wonder why!!!) but between finding out that Mom had passed and absorbing that information, then packing; then traveling; then shopping (no formal fat clothes on hand) it all swirled around us and I was waiting for the little people to appear.. The wonderful staff at the Funeral Home kept asking us if we would like to do "this or that" and we frequently said no simply because we didn't really know what they were asking of us, so finally after saying "no" to placing the "Pall" over Mom's casket, I decided to ask what a pall was and it was to simply place the cloth over Mom's casket symbolizing her faith (which she had) and then I said "I'd like to do that" and Angela did too...so we did it together, and it was a very moving moment for me. We both "tucked her in" and I kissed her casket, just as I had kissed her at the wake, and they laid a crucifix at her head. It was a grey and sombre day, appropriate to the occasion. I walked with Dad, not out of any protocol ' just as it happened... My sister, Angela, walked with my middle son, Andrew, and held his hand, (That being the 1st miracle to occur during the Mass!!) ...as he sobbed throughout the service. Way in the back were Paul, Jacquie and Matt. Don't know how they ended up there...like I said we hadn't really talked about that. The Priest knew my Mother well, and I think he could have been more personal than he was but that's all I'll say about him...The choir sang, and we choked out the words as well as we could between sobs and just as the service was coming to a close, Father Frank lit the incense jar and began to swing gently over the her casket...all at once the clouds broke and streams of sunlight flowed down over Mother, catching the incense in a swirling, glowing shaft of spectacular light ....and everyone gasped!!! I knew she could do it...she'd saved the best for last!! That was my Mother!!

Commentless in Athens :(

2011-08-23T22:48:00.003-04:00

Well things aren't going so well in this Athens Hotel!
After returning from my Mother's funeral (driving behind transport trucks all the way since my car can't go any faster than 80 -100 km an hour) I was very tired and very sore. I had gobbled up more of my pain pills than I had been allotted so throw in some exaggerated pain and possibly some withdrawal too...then I put my phone and TV on hold as a marked statement against Ma Bell only to find that while everywhere that was long distance is now free....the people down the street have to dial 1 to get a hold of me!! I was just starting to get a leg up when I went for a persantine test for my heart which took upwards of 7 hours all told with travelling and hanging about ...( I explained to everyone that I could that I was having this test because my cardiologist (at that hospital no names specified though) had cut my groin open twice without the benefit of anesthetic so this test was a better alternative to being brutally tortured by the medical bureaucrat)...and they all seemed very much impressed and sympathetic to my plight....or else they thought I was CRAZY!! Any way following the test I have spent the past 5 days pretty much in bed, just climbing up and down stairs every once in awhile so that I might maintain some minuscule amount of muscle mass and not end up flaccid on the floor.
Getting back to the post title ( I digress!) I decided to check out my little blog and see if anyone had visited and it appeared that my comment widget is dead...snuffed...inadequate....and dysfunctional. I have tried everything to fix it and in fact when I began typing this post (which I do in the H&P style , aka hunt and peck) and after much venting I looked upon my screen to find a whole mass of scribble!!! All this way and that way....almost as if someone while writing had gone mad....and I had to ask myself...I said "self? have gone mad?" and I replied :I don't think so but are we certain and with that I prepared an expedition and discovered that somehow I translated my blog into Telugu! I have no idea where that is and therefore have given up for the night,,,,Thank you for visiting and although I do apologise for the absence of an opportunity to respond...well...you never comment anyway so what the hell!!! Good Night.

Makin Me Laugh...

2011-08-18T21:35:00.001-04:00

The crappy thing about hiding inside your house, (that's my own house...not YOUR house!) Is that it can get lonely and boring and kinda....well...sad....anyway I was cleaning up my computer the other day and found this old video when we used to hang out together and be silly.....not that we ever stopped that but...well....you"ll see. Hope I can do this right\

Where's Mother?

2011-08-02T13:24:00.003-04:00

On July 10th of this year, my tiny, frail, confused Mother closed her eyes, and breathed her last' just moments after my Father had left her. They were married for 63 years. My sister was notified, and was devastated, no matter that she was 90, with every indication screaming that she was at the end of this journey the loss was just as great as if she had been taken in her 30th year of life. My sister broke my heart, describing her precious last moments with my Mom...the 2 of them quietly together in the hospital bed...one, whose pain was now relieved, and one very much alive whose pain was overflowing... She pleaded for her mother not to leave her, because she had promised to wait.

This depth of pain is all so personal, coming from different emotions...love...pain...the yearning for love stolen away, and also for love hoped left to come. My Mother had been stolen from us bit by bit, moment by moment. Events forgotten, experiences forgotten, memories of yesterday gone, while some from 40 years ago popping by in vivid detail. Sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes painstaking, the disease ate away at the very core of my Mother's being and would have horrified her to witness herself. My Father, now 86 and not well himself, took every care to keep my mother at home as long as possible, as did my sister. The very basic needs of life were now theirs to provide, and provide them they did irregardless of the mood or cognition of my mother. Their vigil over her care followed to the Nursing Home as they visited daily, looked after her appearance, her comfort. It is so hard to let go when your invested in keeping someone alive but it seems as though she had made a choice that it was time to leave.

This was for me a time of pain, and heartbreak, but my loss was more from the past...yearning for the tender moments between mother and daughter, the depth of connection that she shared with my sister, I would have traded anything for a small piece of her heart. Ironically, the very disease that took her from us, helped me to find a softer side to her. She became welcoming and physically tender with me in the years before her death, and that is a gift for me that I will forever treasure and cling to.

My sons had a Grandmother who would have challenged an elephant in order to protect them, and Paul, who lives close by to them, was especially close to her. If you looked carefully at him through Mom's eyes, you cloud see a halo over his head! My youngest son was specially excited to have his "cuddles" with "Nana" after I shared with her that he thought she didn't really like him, she took special care to shower him with hugs and kisses, cuddles and quiet times together, something he will never forget.

During the wake there was an open casket initially, and I took the opportunity to give her a final kiss, and held her cold hand. Her body was there but her spirit was long gone. Even though I believe in God, and I believe in the crucifixion, and the love of Christ I had an overwhelming desire to ask ..."Where's my Mother....where has she gone?" My faith used to be so strong, so much a part of me, but I have let it slide underneath the worries
of everyday. So I begin my journey anew so I can be with my Mother again in a place where there is no sadness, no more tears, and no more pain.

Time for Tea?

2011-06-15T15:55:00.001-04:00

As you know if you read this blog, I am ill, and have been for a long time...but before Fibromyalgia, I was quite a bit more active than I am now. My Bi Polar also gave me a bit of an edge on the quirky side of active, but I always imagined that once my kids were raised I would go off on exciting adventures...may be to Africa or somewhere exotic. Now I'm lucky if I get to walk the trails out in the back acreages behind my house! Anyway...this new Nestea Commercial is kind of what I had in mind for my older years.....okay I wouldn't jump off a cliff (unless I was suicidal) but check it out and see if it's as close to your retirement plan as it is to mine! Also, as an after thought, diet Nestea (Green) is 0 calories and sweetened with.....No...not aspartame....Splenda :) !!! It is my new cold drink for my sore throat! Hopefully I will lose some of the weight I gained drinking Canada Dry Ginger Ale :(

It's fun to Worry

2011-06-15T12:02:00.001-04:00

Worry, is a pretty all encompassing feeling. It can be tiny...like how you might worry that you have food between your teeth when you're eating lunch with your new boyfriend....or it can be moderate...as when you spot a police car behind you, and you wonder how many miles over the speed limit you've been driving, and if the police officer in that police car is are having a good /mediocre/ or bad day! Then there's the really big worry, if you are Casey Anthony and you are sitting in a court room wondering if the 12 people about to determine your life or death fate, were touched by your dry weeping and dry heaving antics yesterday!

Well, now when I think of worrying I have a totally different image in my head, all, or in part due to this wonderfully entertaining commercial! You have to watch it...even if it's slow to upload...yes I know how frustrating that can be, but trust me...this will put a smile on your face and a giggle in your throat!!! It's better than Valium, which puts you to sleep, and isn't cute at all!! Try it!!

Mom

2011-06-13T21:42:00.001-04:00

The other day I came across this picture of my mother and I remembered being so excited when I got to wear her dress! It was a strange experience, since I felt really pretty in it, even if I was only "handsome" it made me feel better than that. Look at her face!!! She's having a wonderful time. Obvioiusly it's My Dad on the other end of the camera, and they were both so young and filled with hope. Mom is now 90, and has more recently been moved to a nursing home, her dementia to the point of complete disability....my Dad told me the other evening,that he had been visiting with Mom and he said "she's still a beautiful woman"...that kind of love is very hard to find!

Caylee's nightmare

2011-06-10T14:28:00.000-04:00

"Tell me please...on which aisle do you keep the Chloroform?" I don't know about the U.S., but we Canadians don't sell chloroform at the corner store, the grocery store, or even the pharmacy...in fact we have placed Gravol behind the counter occasionally when our youth have become particularly fond of it ...Maya Derkovic, a fellow inmate of Casey's, recalls Casey explaining to her that she had used this as a means to settle Caylee down!! What happened to a cuddle and a lullaby?!!
I can't grasp what it takes to place a wet rag over your child's face until she stops breathing...how long did that take?
Did Caylee look at her mother while she did it?
Did she struggle against the very arms that were made to cradle her?
Too much to bear. Death would be a welcome relief for most humans who may "accidentally" harm their children in a moment of craziness, but then to experience guilt/shame you must have empathy, which of course, being the Psychopath that she is, she does not have. Frightening to think that she might get off, she might get out of jail, she might have another child, and there would be nothing anyone could do to stop her.

Oscar Mayer will be turning in his grave...

2011-06-10T13:54:00.000-04:00

What used to be a simple summer staple for lunches, barbecue's and picnics, has now become tainted by another over zealous and endowed congressman who felt it was necessary to "share" his "lunch" with lots of friends! This "dirty dog" was so lax in his shenanigans as to be outed by a Blogger, much to the shame and embarrassment of all those who know him, and especially those who love him, which is presumably his wife...or maybe now his mother (if she is alive). Although I feel sorry for her, and for his friends, I wouldn't imagine that this man has too many friends, since his narcissism is glaringly apparent. The next news break will be that he's gay! Oh well...who needs him! His wife would be far far far better off without him...Thank goodness they don't have children! Not enough room in that ego for a child.
Now that I've said my little piece, I also would like to thank (heavy sarcasm) Wolf Blitzer of CNN for leaving me with that vulgar image which will now pervade my summers every time we have HOT DOGS for lunch. Thanks Wolf!

Now there's this: Anthony Weiner, wife reportedly expecting first child

2011-06-09T23:12:00.000-04:00

Now there's this: Anthony Wiener, wife reportedly expecting first child
OMG...just when I thought it couldn't get worse....it does!!! I feel so badly for his wife, this is truly a devastating time for her. I have heard Dr Drew's warnings about showing this man compassion, and that he feels he could be at risk of harming himself, but I disagree. This man is far too much in love with himself to take his own life. If he actually did, it would be out of error not mind, seeking more attention than he has already garnered he might make an attempt, but a final result would be accidental.
Mrs. "Wiener" (that should have been her first clue) has to get down and scrape the bottom of their proverbial barrel, and ask herself one question..."Can I accept that my husband WILL continue to behave badly, and be unfaithful". It's a simple yes or no...she can or she can't. It sounds callous I know, but it's the most honest way to approach this. That way it's not so disappointing when he fails the monogamy test again. Dr. Phil says..."the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour".Wiener will be the baby's father irregardless of whether or not he lives in the home, or down the block. Where ever he is, that she is honestly most comfortable with, is what she needs to do. Hanging out with Hillary may not be the best place for her should she choose to set healthy boundaries with her husband (something that I've been useless at). She needs to be totally clear about what she wants and he must suck it up for as long as it takes! Wow...I'm glad I got that off my chest (clothed)!!

Little Caylee Anthony

2011-06-07T17:48:00.003-04:00

Remains identified as missing toddler Caylee Anthony

As Father's Day approaches, another anniversary, this one filled with sadness, approaches, in the form of 3 years since little 2 year old Caylee Anthony's decaying body was found. Almost 5 weeks from her questionable disappearance, her mother, Casey, advised authorities that her daughter had gone missing along with a babysitter, who it soon became aspparent, did not exist.! The tale is a long a winding road to perdition, and not only is the Mother suspect, but additional members of the family are also under suspicion. The macabre story eeks out over days and weeks in a courtroom, where mother Casey, sits motionless and flat, listening to the forensic accounts of dogs identifying the stench of human decay both in her own car, and beside the children's playhouse in the yard.
She is stoic, while others wince as the sickly sweet scent of human decay is described...a smell now associated with her innocent little child. What really happened? The lies this woman (I use that term loosely) has told, fall down around her like a dense curtain waiting to swallow her whole, separating her from the real humans in the jury box.. It's cold where she sits, pale and expressionless. How could she continue to exist, knowing what she's done? Leaving her little daughter to rot, while she danced and drank her time away. I couldn't stand to be alive...to breathe...and yet she smiles!! The trial is televised and I MUST stop watching it!

Where are the comments?!!

2011-06-04T14:29:00.000-04:00

As my sister kindly pointed out to me, in my attempt to "spice up" the comment area of this blog...(the first rearranging I've done in awhile...now I recall why!) I have offered you the opportunity to email this post; share this post on facebook; link this post to who knows what or why; "digg" this post whatever that means, and do virtually anything to it, anywhere, and anyhow BUT .......you cannot make a comment!!!!!!.............I'm working on it!

The beginning

2011-05-25T21:03:00.005-04:00

I was born...........or at least I was told that I was born, on a Thursday in March of 1959. That's all the information that I know of my birth, with the exception of my biological mother not being married, and so she was unable to keep me. I know next to nothing about my biological father, other than he was married...just to somebody else, which isn't much help to a baby!
From then on it all gets rather vague for about 3 months...which when your 8 years old, doesn't seem that long...but when you've had your own children you realize that 3 months is quite a substantial time...filled with diapers and crying, and nursing and crying, and peeing and (yes you guessed) crying...well you get the picture. I have no idea who was around in the orphanage or where ever I was, to burp me and bathe me and generally love me but I hope someone was. Anyway, then I was adopted out to a couple who had already adopted one daughter, and they wanted another! I was delivered to them, sight unseen, and there it is...I went from having nothing and nobody to having a Mother, a Father, and a sister!

Hello, How are you,...have you been alright?

2011-05-24T17:05:00.001-04:00

Hello....haven't seen you in awhile, and there's a host of reasons for that....distracted by worldwide disaster...packing for end times that didn't come (shoot); worrying about my mother who has recently been admitted to a Nursing Home, but we're the only ones who know that; my father of 86 years young, forgot that he wasn't Bruce Willis, and climbed through the escape hatch of his stalled elevator...pried the doors open, and then proceeded to climb 12 sets of stairs to get into his apartment, whereupon he promptly had a stroke, but didn't feel the need to bother anyone for 2+ days when my sister Angela (who is in running for the sainthood against that sweet little kid, but...hey she's my sister...she gets my vote) flies into action organizing a rescue and retrieve...Dad was retrieved and taken to hospital while Mom was rescued from being alone even if she wouldn't have noticed. Then I decided that my angina was on overdrive when after an hour and more that 3 doses of nitroglycerine weren't working and off I go to the Hospital in Smith Falls, chauffeured by my Great Friend Berrnice, as she negotiated every dark twist and turn in the road, and chatted with me to keep me calm. It was only about an hour or 2 into my hospital stay when they decided to keep me, and I watched Bernice's eyelids straining to stay open, when she revealed to me that although she wasn't in bed when my son Matt called for help...she had just taken her sleeping medication!!!!!!!! I shuffled over and was pretty sure we could both fit on that gurney, but Bernice hung in for another hour, and then much to my dismay, headed out into a woozy night saying "Place me in God's hands"....and so I did!
There's more but...that's for another day!

6 yr old Kindergarten student brings loaded gun to school...

2011-04-19T15:25:00.000-04:00

3 children hurt in Texas elementary school.
I can barely begin to think about this! 4, 5, and 6 year olds sitting down for lunch at their school and suddenly gunfire erupts when a six year old drops a loaded gun out of his pocket! I don't think I could send my child back to school after that. My son is still in elementary school, and I try hard not to think about the chances of something devastating happening in our rural schools. I try to console myself with the thought that we are in the country, so the risks of kids getting hold of a hand gun are considerably reduced. However, the large majority of our community are either hunters, or know hunters, so there goes my thought process. I think I should really learn to enjoy soap operas ( Oh they're cancelling those aren't they) or get large print books to read with someone nice to read them to me, or just watch The Waltons, and Road to Avonlea, shutting out the horribly exhausting reality that our world is going to rack and ruin.
I'm going back to bed now!!!

Weathering the Storm

2011-04-19T01:09:00.000-04:00

Well I failed in my mission to do "something consistently" and apologize to anyone (I don't think there are any but...) who was disappointed that I temporarily fell off the face of the earth for awhile. All the causes will probably be revealed, as they always are. in future posts. But for now I'll just say that combining aged parents, hormonal teens, menopausal sisters and angina along with continued pain, fatigue, depression and DEATH seemingly knocking on both the front and back doors, I've been slightly withdrawn!!!! It is a strange existence, but the days sometimes fly, and sometimes drag s l o w l y by. So to summarize....I'm alive, but still a bit banged up, and working my way back up to my original goal. Lets see how I do shall we? Thanks for your patience.

No No Fly Zone

2011-03-19T09:06:00.000-04:00

I am soo blessed...as you see in the comment section I have a new friend from Egypt
I am dumfounded and and extremely frustrated that with all the "GREATNESS" the US tells us constantly that they have, and that they can support all these Revolutions, assisting them into the great world of Western Democracy, and the Egyptians said .." no we can do this ourselves.." and they did...now the Libyans have said..."we can do this ourselves BUT could you provide a NO FLY ZONE in order that our civillians are not shot at by the crazed dictator?"....US- oh well we'll see what we can do...we have to meet with 300 other people before we can make a decision and then we'll get back to you and then back to the committiiee of "NO FLY ZONE"who are also the committee of the "let's charge Gahfi with war crime so we can prosecute him in 10 or 15 years".......I WANT TO TEAR MY FACE OFF I'M SOOOOOO MAD! They do this over and over and over agina, while people all over the world suffer and die waiting for thwey're bloody meetings to conclude...if they have the definitions right...what defines genocide...what defines mass murder!!! WHAT DEFINES ARROGANCE IS THESE USELESS PIN HEADS WHO ARE TOO AFRAID TO MAKE A DECISION. THATS WHY THEY HAVE THOSE JOBs ...BECAUSE THEYRE CAPABLE OF DEALING EXPEDITIOUSLY WITH THE TOUGH STUFF;SO GET ON WITH IT...DO YOUR JOBs...DON"T LEAVE YOUR JOURNALISTS OUT THERE DOING THE HARD WORK.

The world's gone crazy

2011-03-07T09:47:00.001-05:00

Just in case u haven't noticed, all heck has let loose in this world. It seems as if Armageddon is upon us, and evil has been unleashed on humanity. If you read my blog you know that I'm a nuuzhound and seldom...actually never has a day passed that my brain isn't glued to CNN and other news stations. What bothers me right now is the amount of coverage Charlie Sheen is getting when Egypt is still under fire. My friend in Egypt shared with me that she and her family are having to take cover in their homes as gunfire is heard all around them. Buildings, such as police stations and the like, are being burned down by government forces in order to destroy documentation that may lead to the arrest and conviction of those who have perpetrated crimes on humanity/war crimes. The army apparently arrives too late to save these buildings and important documents. I'm hearing lots about Libya, and Yemen, and the Ivory Coast and Charlie Sheen....but it's as if interest in Egypt has dropped of the map. What....not sexy enough for us? People are dying still and we must NOT turn a blind eye to this. Get on facebook...email CNN and others to ensure that the message gets out. We must not forget them, and continue to pray for their safe deliverance through this terrifying time.

What a difference a month makes

2011-03-06T23:34:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how much has changed, and continues to change, in the middle east and around Africa, in a single month. The courage that has been displayed is absolutely incredible. When a group of people can rise up in the streets, tear the asphalt from the ground as a weapon, and take their country back from a vicious dictator in a matter of days is truly a huge moment in history. A moment that is truly awesome, in the true sense of the word. I've had the pleasure of meeting a young Egyptian woman through this social media/uprising and I am amazed at the strength and bravery of these young people, who have led the way where there forefathers couldn't. Rana, I can't imagine what it must be like for you to witness, and be a part of such fantastic history. What stories you will be able to tell your children! It's as if all of North Africa has caught the Freedom Flu, and it's spreading like wildfire. Although Egypt fell in 18 days, Libya continues to struggle greatly, and I imagine a great ship docking on the coast of Tripoli and everyone gets on board....sails to safety...and then a great bomb is dropped on top of Gadhafi's lair of evil, and blown him apart. Evil is an intrinsic thing....it slithers around in your brain and flashes out of the eyes...but that man wears his evil on his face as well. I was telling Rana about my 13 son's experience the other night after 2 bored teenage girls decided to have him arrested for stealing a cell phone. The officer was one of those "power" police instead of a "people" police, and he took Matt away and locked him in a cell with absolutely no evidence. I though I would lose my mind I was so upset (not good for my health) until a few hours later when the girls parents called the Police to say they'd "found" the "stolen" phone. I was devastated...then furious...then relieved...then full of rage...crying...oh my...I was everything, and I still am to a degree. I told Rana, that I could not imagine being in her place in the middle of a revolution and being a mother with your daughters and sons, and brothers and fathers may be shot down in the street. God help all those who are struggling and sacrificing sooooo much to obtain the freedoms that we take so lightly. Finding Freedom is going to be a lengthy process, but if you have God in your heart you have a guide to help your path through all evil temptations that freedom brings. Anyway God Bless All.

2011-02-17T21:32:00.000-05:00

Miracles

If ever you're in doubt of God's existence...or feel overwhelmed by the clain that science trumps God...well read on!!

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/12/chase-britton-boy-without-a-cerebellum-baffles-doctors/

Whale Hunt suspended...

2011-02-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

So it seems that all over the world people are going to extremes to have their causes recognized. The newsletter is a thing of the past...makin noise is the quiet protestor....the ones who are energized, and maybe a bit crazy. This is good news for the whales....maybe the dolphins can get some help too....and maybe the couyntry needs to change up their diet a bit. Is there no Micky D's in Japan? Maybe I should google that!!!!!!

Hey Pastor?...How'd you know I was coming?!

2011-02-13T19:45:00.001-05:00

I went to Church today.
That seems like such an innocuous statement...except for the fact that I've only been to Church twice in the past 1 1/12 years!
Even that may not seem so significant to some, those whose attendance at Church can be measured by decades rather than years. That was my attendance record for much of my teenage and adult life until, out of the depths of despair, I reached out in desperation and was caught up by the hand of God. It is an experience that I wish all could have. After that, a fire burned within me, and every moment of my life had purpose...to learn and share God's truth. It was an exciting time...full of passion and activity. This wasn't just a Sunday thing....this was like breathing...every minute or every moment of every day!
Then how could it be that it's been 11/2 years of abstinence? That's a hard question to answer...many reasons. Firstly, after being extremely involved in lots of activities/ministries I became ill, and though I continued for awhile, I wasn't physically or emotionally able to be consistent in anything. I had stopped working several years before, and by then I felt extremely guilty for not being able to function in a reliable way...so I quit, rather than be a disappointment. Of course quitting was disappointing too and thus began the gradual erosion of my relationship with my Church (who have been awesome despite my failures). I convinced myself , after awhile, that I was unworthy of my congregation's affections because I had nothing to give them in return...after all "giving is better than receiving...right?! Giving is GREAT....I've loved giving...but receiving is much more painful. I have experienced allot of pain with respect to receiving, because it involves trust, and I had learned early in life that trust/receiving involves vulnerability and then of course humility. Vulnerability and humility are pretty scary places to go. So I stopped...going I mean...to Church; Bible study;singing etc! Lucifer has a hay day with those of us who are struggling. We've already plowed the field into which he can sow a multitude of seeds of self doubt and negativity. We decide that all the parishioner's have nothing better to do with themselves than speculate as to the damnation of our souls as 1 Sunday's absence multiplies into 10! This absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather reinforces our already miserable sense of ourselves, digging us deeper and deeper into the solace that has become our/my lives (life).
It took allot of preparation to ensure I could attend Church today.(That sounds ridiculous, especially as it's location is so near I could throw a rock at it....well not that close...and I'd never throw a rock at it, but you get the point!!!)I won't go into all the gory details, but with all the illnesses I have , I have to basically shut down all operations and stay in bed for 2 days prior in order to make it to anything!!!! I'm totally serious!!
So I go today, and every one's happy to see me,,,and I didn't break into a massive sweat off, and was able to get up and down for each and every song (though it was harder as the service went on).
I closed my eyes and sang too loud....I was home! But the most amazing thing is that GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! As pastor McCraken delivered his homily (with tables...chairs....cutlery..and co-stars!) he spoke a message directly to ME!! He talked about excuses (!!!!!!) and all the things that I needed to hear!!
So THANK YOU PASTOR AND THANK YOU GOD!!!.

MUBARAK STEPS DOWN!!!!!

2011-02-11T11:25:00.001-05:00

"FREE EGYPT, FREE EGYPT", is the chant all over Egypt as they hear the announcement that Hosni Mubarak has stepped down and left Cairo. The people are shouting, and crying in the streets. These people who in 17 days have brought down a dictatorship of 30 years!!!! Think of what the ramifications of that are in the Middle East! This is nothing short of miraculous, and surely to bring other dictators to their knees!!!! It is humbling to see so many risk their lives for what we take for granted...our freedom, and a chance to vote. I wonder what the percentage of population to voter turnout there is in the free Western World. But I guess that's part of what freedom is....freedom to vote or not to vote? This reminds me of course, of the political nursery rhyme....
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the kings horses and all the king's men'
Couldn't put humpty together again!
Hosni has been scrambled ...and what is left is to clean up the mess. But first....to CELEBRATE!!!

Mubarak's surprise...

2011-02-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

After 6 hours of jubilant communion, the Egyptian people gathered in Tahrir Square were assaulted once again by President Mubarak's lies and narcissism in his address to them which was anticipated as speech of resignation. A military person of high rank had appeared at Tahrir Square and stated that .."all their demands would be won".Then after a high spirited ,but very long wait, on comes Mubarak. First, he lied about the attacks, and murders perpetrated on his people (ordered by himself) stating that it "broke his heart" and that he would find each attacker and hold them accountable for their behaviour (which wouldn't be hard because cause they're all in his "black" book listed under "h" for hoodlums!)! He talked incessantly about himself and his "Egypt" as though one was the same as the other, and therefore inseparable. His speech was filled with condescending remarks and the continual references to the "youth" of this movement, and being influenced by outside conspirators, as if they were so "childlike" they certainly couldn't, or wouldn't have come up with this revolution against him on their own. He blamed absolutely everyone, outsiders, television hosts, foreign leaders and non Egyptians smuggled in, all with revolution on their minds Once finished, the crowd erupted in angry chants and shouts, as defiant and angry as they were jubilant. They're chanting.."We're not leaving...he's leaving." Within the hour, large groups of people split off from the crowd and began the march to the State Media station, and/or the Palace. It's going to be a long night in Cairo. There is suggestion that perhaps this was a plan between Mubarak and the Military to get the protesters so riled up that Mubarak would have to call in the military to restore order. Who knows what the next 24 hours will bring and what truths in history will be told..

Mubarak close to being gone.....

2011-02-10T12:21:00.000-05:00

or is he? Tahrir Square is buzzing with excitement as the rumor (leaked possibly by CIA Director Panetta...stupid stupid stupid!) that President Mubarak is to announce tonight that he will step down. The next steps are uncertain, and the future is nervously optimistic. State run TV is running prequels to programming showing the activity in Tahrir Square with the words "Egypt is changing". The ongoing commentary is compelling, but as I said yesterday, also frustrating, and that continues today with constant references to where Mr. Obama is, and whether or not he will make any statements about this situation. It continues to be CNN's concensus that the result of this demonstration will be orchestrated by the mighty U.S. and not the Egyptians who have spilled their blood on the streets of Cairo!! What gall!! But then....just as I'm about to change the channel (yes I do have other channels!) John King.....no ...JOHN KING SAVES THE DAY! He stops the parlez dead in it's tracks and says....not once but twice....loosely translated...." We must remember that this revolution is the result of the courage and determination of the Egyptian people not the US....this is NOT a US lead uprising".....Oh how I love him!!!! I wish they could take those words and play them as a prequel to all the Cairo coverage. Maybe the Egyptians wouldn't view westerners quite so negatively if they felt they were getting the respect the duly deserve.
May God Bless You Mr. John King. You are wise and mighty.

Why did Anderson leave Egypt?

2011-02-09T21:10:00.001-05:00

I'm glad to report that I'm having a really good day today despite a few hiccups in my plans and activities. I have been trying to pace myself by doing just a few things each day, while being totally engrossed in the events in the middle east. I actually watched Aljezeera (spelling?) tonight and their reporting was quite different from CNN's!....what a surprise...so I was wondering, (ever since Anderson Cooper disappeared from the dingy curtain wrapped room of some unnamed hotel near Liberation Square and reappeared back in the warmth and safety of the CNN newsroom) did they think the protests were over... how much of the world's events, disasters, political decision making, is actually shaped by our news consumption rather than merely "reporting" the facts. How much pressure do politicians feel when the media is either continuously reporting that leaders are NOT doing/saying anything, and/or slant their statements to make them sound oppositional than they were. I'm sure that the protesters who risked and some who lost their lives were happy to learn that they really didn't have to do all that...all that was needed was a quick call from the President of the United States to get things done!! I'm certain that not only the protesters, but Mubarak must have been elated to see how quickly US news turned a 30 year dictator into a simpering idiot!!! The influence that the media has, is frighteningly strong, and the political impact profound...ie. Donald Trump may be running for President!?...Sarah Palin !?...I rest my case! Very scary....(Donald Trump just said that China is Americas enemy...and doesn't China basically own the US debt!!!!!! LOOK OUT EVERYONE>>>>I'M SO GLAD I'M CANADIAN!!!

2011-02-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

Cairo is 7 hours ahead of me, and so all is quiet right now, being midnight there....well this is what I assume, but can't confirm, because there are no live feeds from Egypt due to the government crackdown on journalists and foreigners who under threat, and have been arrested, beaten, even kidnapped. The army soldiers and tanks remain eerily quiet....not shooting at Egyptian demonstrators, but also NOT protecting them from assault by "Pro Mubarak" protesters, who rode into the peaceful crowds on horse and camel back, wielding knives and clubs embedded with nails! Mubarak stated earlier today that he must stay in power now because of the chaos that is taking over the country....chaos that he himself has created with his thugs...imposing this chaos and brutality on peaceful Egyptian protesters...the people he is supposed to represent. Tomorrow "Liberation Square" will be the site of a huge demonstration...the results of which will not be witnessed, and the total destruction never truly measured as in Tienanmen Square in China. It will be a courageous or foolhardy journalist who may venture out of hiding to cover, or rather uncover, the reality of Mubarak's intentions. May God help them all.

It's Friday now and I'm the last one standing....

2011-02-04T04:17:00.001-05:00

Matt's asleep (only for the past hour), the dogs are asleep (Dudley's dreaming about squirrels!) and it's 10 to 4 in the morning!!! I'm watching Nic Robertson; Peirs Morgan; and my fave Mr. Anderson, whose reporting has been on loop since midnight which is perfect for me as I'm busy cleaning up, doing laundry, sorting out drawers and shelves, and trying to find my "home" again underneath the rubble of household mess that has accumulated while I've been a non functioning blob!!! Now I know that I'm supposed to be pacing myself, and I have refrained from sweeping, vacuuming, or mopping because those activities are certain to put me on my back within hours of their implementation....( I wonder how much I would have to pay Matt to do that?)
So this is how it goes.....around and around again...I can do nothing for ages, and become daunted by the accumulation of undone tasks that I simply turn around and go back to bed.... and then all of a sudden... seemingly out of the blue...a power surge hits and pain seems manageable with my medicine cabinet closely available. I don't know how long this will last and how severe the backlash will be, but at least I'll have some clean clothes to wear while I lie in bed for the next month of Sundays!!!!! Internationally, the "Day of Departure" in Liberation Square is underway, and many brave Egyptians are risking their lives to participate in what could be a lethal interaction with the pro Mubarak and the newly arrived "riot" police.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to be so desperately oppressed that you would rather be dead than to continue to function under such a government. One reporter indicated that the average age of the men in Egypt is 23 years old, with the median annual wage being $500.00!..Yeah, I think that might make me feel desperate. The entire Middle East appears as a tinderbox, with Tunisia and Egypt lighting the match.
I hope I'm awake enough to see what happens...guess I should crash (but maybe I'll fold that last load of laundry first)!

My second promise for 2011 is......

2011-02-03T16:44:00.001-05:00

....Not to make promises I might not be able to keep!!!!! The same old same old....take 1 51-2 year "old" woman....add a splash of hormonal instability..combine it with waves of depression, heart disease, and chronic, often debilitating pain and fatigue.....( have I left anything out?)...oh yes....memory problems that often lead to walking in circles around supermarket parking lots...wanting desperately just to give up and walk away from the loaded cart, in favour of some pain meds with a coffee and a 30 minute break (I really really really have wanted to do that soooooo many times) and speech heresy....you know Heme Dopot...that sort of thing spills out of my mouth randomly and makes such perfect sense to me that I just can't understand why the checkout girl, and half the line behind me, are laughing!!!! Anyway....here I am again...another International Crisis, Egypt, (it's really hard to spell that...I want to put the y in before the g and then i have to change it!) What an amazing mess we humans are in, and how interesting it is to watch as our entire planet seems to be wrestling in the arms of God. I used to be pretty certain that 2012 was just a movie title, but now I'm beginning to wonder.....aren't you? I mean...come on....the snow's so high here the birds are walking to the feeders!!!!
By the way....hey to Ange...thanks for checking in on me!!!!
Remember....I only come out during International Crises!!!!!!

2011

2011-01-15T22:08:00.001-05:00

I didn't die...I just fell of the face of the earth for awhile! Last year I was ill after the New Year, but this year I decided to get ill at my son's house where my moaning and groaning could be witnessed, and where Matt could engage with hujan beings while I wriggles and writhed aroubnd in my bed pumped up on Gravol, which did little or nothing to relieve my symptoms. I drove home in this state, with the windows down for the first 2 hours, much to the dismay of my son and my dogs! The alternative, I told them, would be much nastier than cold air!!! A week later, and I'm still weak, having lost 15 pounds in the process. There are definitely better ways to lose weight, but I'll take what I can get. So off to a new year....new challenges,...new revelations...and I'm rooting for a new member of our family to be created!!! I promise to do better with my postings, which dwindled down to nothing, and probably for the best as emotional pain is difficult to share. At present I do not want to die, and Iwill hold out hope for a new season to my life. My mother turned 90 this past month, and though I wouldn't want to be 90, it does leave aspirations to perhaps a second part of my life. Who knows!!!!

Musings

2010-11-20T13:08:00.003-05:00

If all the world's humans suddenly were trasnformed into Golden Retrievers what a world it would be...
There would be no war, no bullying, no video games (can't play Xbox without thumbs!) there would be no more tv reality programs, just dog shows, noone would care if they had dog hair on their clothes, because their clothes would be dog hair! The only problem is.....................................................................
WHO WOULD THROW THE BALL?

The Slide

2010-10-25T19:11:00.000-04:00

It's been a long, slow, slide down the slippery road to hell this year. My depression began in July, and slowly dragged me into the muck and mire of "The Pit", where I've spent considerable time soaked with tears and drowning in dark thoughts, researching suicide options and their messiness ratings...where would i go so that I wouldn't be readily discovered, especially by Matt...and all the other "thinking" that goes with this phase. How worthless I am....how much I've disappointed everyone, and keep disappointing them. For awhile, I had reached a stage where as long as I could "work" my way to being valuable....by doing the most I could do to be thought well of...not ever expecting to be cherished, although that's been my life's desire....but enough to earn some "credits" on my life's account that's forever in the red///I can't do that anymore. I'm too sick to do all the things I used to do...to be able to help other people, and therefore earn my merit...now I am worthless and valueless again. This is very frightening because I thought the Lithium was my lifeline, but it appears that after 3 years maybe not. This is not comforting. The next course suggested is Electro convulsive therapy, which I have assisted in administering, but have never received, and it just seems such a drastic and barbaric treatment...and what happens if it doesn't work? What relief can I expect and from where? I don't know how many more trips to hell I can stand, and the recovery process though dramatic in the removal of dark thoughts, the weepy sadness continues, and it seems as if I'm stuck only half way back. At 51 I'm an old soul with more to look back on and little to look forward to. That's no comfort either. This load is getting harder and harder to carry...the burden of all that has occurred after my innocence was taken from me. People who don't understand think that "abuse" is a singular event, or span of time that ends when the touching and manipulation ends, but unfortunately it's not. The child that I was....the potential that I had as that intact child with all the hopes and dreams of that innocence was murdered, and only the gaping wound remained, waiting to be healed....waiting....waiting to be healed. Try to imagine a child....with that open wound...in your presence. Would you expect that child to think, feel, behave and grow as if he/she wasn't wounded? Would your expectations be that they think, feel, and behave as if they aren't wounded? That is most often the case...the walking wounded, never be able to achieve or fulfill the expectations that existed before the murder...before the wound...go through life emotionally, spiritually, and very often physically wounded by addictions and illness...disabled. Like a wounded veteran with an amputation...walking with a limp...except that no one blames them for walking with a limp...no one says...why did you make that choice to get blown up, shot at. It would be so wonderful to share that burden....be relieved of having to carry the weight of all that guilt....to have the full extent of my injury acknowledged not for the purpose of blame, but for the purpose of validation....This road has been long and hard....and very, very lonely. I want to get off this road, but I don't know how to make it happen on my own because relieving some of my pain means that someone else must take it on, and that will cause them pain. I'm not sure whether self protection is the reason behind the lack of understanding, or simply just plain old lack of understanding. My sister called me the other day after meeting with her accupuncturist and seemed very surprised that when she shared my history with him of Fibromyalgia etc. he immediately asked if I had been abused! It never occurred to me that she didn't know that the two were related!!!

Catholic Child Molesters

2010-09-27T00:34:00.000-04:00

Watching a CNN investigative report about...what else....child abuse by priests in the catholic church....and i wonder how many people/victims have no faith in God because of the demons who were allowed...no allowed is too easy...who were sustained under the protection of the catholic church. How many lives...victims, parents of victims, brother and sisters of victims, spouses of victims, friends of victims...and on and on it goes, have left the church and maybe faith as well. I sometimes feel that the punishment for anyone involved in protecting thereby perpetrating these crimes should be victimized themselves but it wouldn't be the same unless the power ratio is right. But they obviously have no empathetic or intelligent understanding of what happens to a child when they are assaulted...and it is sexual assault...we make it sound almost like having fudge brownies with father fry when we say "molested"...it describes NOTHING that haunts a victim for the rest of their lives. They are permanently altered in their innermost parts....their souls, their spirit, their self worth is gone and everything that happens immediately following this assault will shape this individuals abilityy to remould their psyche so as not to have their being destroyed. Who these people were before these assaults, is not the same as who they are now...but you may say, people are victims of car accidents and can't walk but they get on with it. Thank God they do, and I pray for that for all victims...but it is different for sex abuse survivors...it's not so easy to heal from deep within, where even you yourself may not immediately understand all that is going on in your own head, why you feel the way you do, the difficulty in relationships, trust, expectations. I myself didn't confront my molester per say, he told me off after my Mother told him to stop. I'll never forget that day. I knew Mom had spoken to him and was pretty sure he would find a way to confront me even with my grandmother there and he did! I rang the buzzer, and granny answered (I went there for lunch). Mom had said I only had to go if Granny was there, so I went up, but granny was now in the kitchen around the corner making lunch...he pulled me in and pinned me up against the door and pulled my head close to his ear and hissed at me..."I hear you've spoken to your mother"...and that was all he had time for as granny rounded the corned he released me. It was all I could do not to vomit all over the floor! I had lunch (!!) while trying not to see him masturbating behind the opened newspaper directed towards me. I kept my lunch down until I walked back to school. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to say anything again and after that I lived a life parallel to him in order to keep peace. It probably would have been better for my self esteem if I had taken back control from him in a formal way....but hindsight is a wonderful but useless tool. I should perhaps write him a letter describing to him exactly the enormity of the damage he perpetrated, along with the collateral damage in the rest of my remaining life...he's dead, and was also a staunch Catholic. At least I got over my anger with God for not answering my pleas to make it stop...complete with a kneeler made out of library steps and holy water given to me by my priest!!!
If you haven't been sexually/assaulted/molested, I ask you to be sensitive to those who have this journey to make, and get help for yourself too, someone to talk to and bounce things off. Trying to ignore it probably won't be as helpful to you as dealing with it head on.
As a final note...the Pope knows what he should be doing, and isn't. He'll lose a large following for the Catholic Church and I don't think Peter would or is pleased!!

The View from in Here/ You're Worth It

2010-09-20T08:06:00.000-04:00

well I'm still in the pit...but not at the point of no return. When I look up too long my neck gets sore and my face gets wetter from the rain but that mixes in with the tears s and just becomes another wet face day!
There's little sun getting down and when I try to muscle up the energy to climb up, hoping to feel the warmth of the sunshine but then I;m become nervous about someone seeing me in such a state and crawl back into the pit. I;m here again...sad SAD sad...weeping is really a game breaker when chatting to people, can't call them up and then burst into tears...not much fun and seems manipulative to me. Darlene has been such a lifesaver for Matt and me rescuing us from hospital admissions and comforting Matt during both my panic attack and heart attack. I'm sure she's starting to give up on me...but calling her to bawl down the other end of the phone line just not my thing. This whole "reach out" phobia came naturally from learning by experience that my issues or circumstances weren't important as compared to everyone else's.I know that sounds petulant, but it really isn't...it's just a statement of fact and happens to allot of people...it happened to my eldest son Paul. There's so much emotion flowing though the family that the one who makes the most noise wins, and the quiet ones just languish in the background noise and try to lick our own wounds...but since we're not old enough to recognize that we are victims of circumstance we internalize our pain, and wounds run deeper. In my case my family was struggling with a strained married after emigrating from England to Canada, and although I didn't know what was going on, I could feel it...the tension in the air was palpable. Then my sister was having problems, and she was very angry. When she wasn't fighting with my parents, which was daily, she fought with me!! Physically, emotionally...whatever way she could, and she knew how to get me too!!She was very angry with me for some reason, and her rage spilled out all over us. Her experimentation with drugs and alcohol was of great concern, but I was beginning to have had enough. I couldn't protect my self from her rages, and my parents were besides themselves with what to do with her, but wouldn't kick her out (which is obviously what I wanted...to be safe) so we went to counselling. That was even more offensive since I was being sexually abused by my grandfather on a daily basis (every lunchtime!) and some days would go from school (which I hated) to counselling which was focused on my sister, and back to being molested, and on again back to school! This was my ninth grade year! I couldn't protect myself from old "Grandpa" either because my Mom was worried that my Grandmother (the greatest woman in the world) would be upset if she discovered what "Grandpa" had been doing to me, and that she would be devastated!!! Curious rationalization you must admit but anyway....I don't remember much of High School at all!!! Are you surprised!!! Anyway, much later in my troubled life my own middle son created his own stir, and Paul became a victim of that. Andrew and Paul both were suffering from my poor choices in men...always picked the abusive one...go figure!!! But after many years we got out from under into a little scraggly house in a small village, but that's when the rage began. By 13 he was bigger than me, by 14 he was threatening me..and by 15 I wrote him up a contract to sign as to behaviour and expectations and he moved out. Don't know for sure, but I think Paul was greatly relieved and although I love Andrew deeply, I could sleep at night without wondering if he was going to kill me or burn down the house!!!Sounds too dramatic, but it's true. I feel very responsible for everything I put them through, and I know I was a disappointment to Mom and Dad...but this stuff runs deep, and as long as you try to hide it the more damage it does to you physically and emotionally. All that cortisol streaming through your veins as you navigate your crazy life using "Fight and Flight" as your core coping strategy ( plus a whole lot of wine!) leaves your body weak and unable to defend itself. So think about it...are you under huge amounts of stress....don't be a martyr...get help...if you think things in your family are screwed up...talk to someone...if you're a kid...call a counsellor. kids helpline...tell a friend. Don't struggle on your own and think that's it's all your fault. You deserve help too...you're not insignificant but sometimes the people who ideally would listen to you are presently"unavailable for comment"! They're too caught up in the drama to see the whole picture. You're Worth it...DO it!!

In the Name of Family

2010-09-08T14:32:00.000-04:00

Family can be the best thing in the world, or it can be the worst thing in the world...and sometimes it's a bit of both. As I said in my last post, my oldest son Paul came up for the weekend and it was so wonderful, I can't even begin to describe how nice it was to have breakfast and dinner made for me, dishes done...he even managed to get Matt into the swim of things! He took us all out for a delicious lunch and fantastic frappacinos (sp?) We watched movies and talked, and just hung out together. It was so great I didn't want it to end...but of course it did, and I tried my hardest not to cry when he left but it was impossible and so the sadness continues to seep out. Also my sister and I had an argument and she has decided that she doesn't like me anymore, and that really sucks since out of my 51 years she's only liked me for about 9 of those and I was starting to get used to that but there again lies the problem. I should know better by now...guard your heart...as Dr. Phil says "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour." Anyway, I was having a wonderful time feeling very down and defeated and then I turned on the documentary, filmed mostly in Toronto, titled "In the Name of Family", which follows the lives of several young Arab women who were struggling to adapt to our culture, while still living in Arabian culture at home. The fathers of these girls were consumed with the desire to control their daughters lives, and exhert phenomenal pressure on them to conform to, and be subjected to Sharia Law. Their friends all said that when they themselves would make a statement like "My father's going to kill me" it was understood that it was all in jest...they were unprepared for the reality that their Arabian girlfriends had to deal with. It's hard to believe that a father would shoot his own daughter because she smiled at a customer while bagging his groceries...but in a simplistic manner, that was the case. The girls were expected to wear traditional garb and head dress, but most stored a change of clothes at school so that they could more easily blend in. Their father's followed them, video taped them, had their brother's stalk them, and be ready to torture the girls on a frequent basis. When outright rebellion finally came one girl was stabbed by her brother, 2 sisters were shot to death by their father in the back of his Taxi Cab from which he fled the country and hasn't been seen since. The Misogyny of this culture is all consuming, and there really should be more protection for them. They are truly beautiful gems, and any father would be concerned for their virtue, like most Canadian fathers I suspect. The problem is that when they get on that plane in Pakistan they don't leave their misogynistic ways and Sharia Laws behind them. What is the point then of leaving Arabian countries...presumably to get a better life...but only if you're a male. Our small village is lacking in it's ethnicity, but the nearest city is starting to become more colourful, which is a good thing, but we all need to be aware of the seriousness of condition that our Arabian sister's are living, and dying, under. So if you're ever feeling that your parents are overbearing watch this ...the documentary speaks for itself and I hope you'll get a chance to see it...we must do something to ensure that "honor killings" have a special treatment under our laws to show those considering this path, that we will hunt them down, and they will pay for their vile...evil actions.

"On December 10, 2007, a 16-year-old Toronto schoolgirl, Aqsa, was strangled to death; her father and brother are charged with murder. Three weeks later, teenage sisters were shot to death in Dallas; their father is wanted for murder. Six months later, a 14-year-old girl was stabbed by her brother; he was convicted and is now in jail in New York.Friends and family of the murdered girls paint a chilling portrait of the forces that led to their deaths, and Toronto schoolgirls talk about their lives of constant fear. While Muslim women organize to help girls at risk and the imam at a Toronto mosque teaches that violence has no basis in Islam, some men continue to justify these crimes through patriarchal beliefs about family honour. Award-winning director Shelley Saywell brings her consummate documentary skills and passion for human rights to challenge the traditions that lie behind the heartbreaking tragedies committed against young girls caught between two cultures in North America. - Lynne Fernie" hot docs

Blood, not blood tests, are Good for my Health

2010-09-03T09:25:00.000-04:00

Well I got the results of my blood tests back, and there's nothing there to require changes to medications, but therefore no answer to how I've been feeling... However I found another, better, cure for my lugubrious sensibility...it's called...PAUL!!

Yes,...Paul is coming up for the long weekend and I couldn't be more excited...I've promised him I won't clean...but maybe I'll make Matt clean!!!!That works for me!! So he's bringing his several hundred movies with him (he's leaving his projector and theatre at home though!) and Matt is dying to get him out on the Paintball course! Hope we don't kill him! Jacquie's working so we won't see her this time...Their wedding anniversary is coming up soon too...1 year ago September 22nd. Well, we'll see u later....Bye for now. Wish me FUN!!!

Numb and Numer

2010-08-31T12:20:00.000-04:00

Hey Black Eyed Dog! Thanks for visiting...I put your link here on my blog...hope that's okay!
Sorry about the s l o w posting, but I'm in the numb phase, and I'm kind of stuck here. All I want to do is sleep...but I can't because either it gets too painful lying down (and I've never really mastered sleeping standing up...although there was a time in College...that's another story...) I've called the \Medical Centre a couple of times, and I'm hoping it's an easy Thyroid fix...just up my dose and in about a month I'll feel somewhat better...by 6 months way better...so I guess it's not that easy, but it's something we can fix as opposed to all those other things we can't. Those "suck it up" other things that really suck to suck them up!!! At the moment I can't even go for a walk because my foot is killing me an I'm out of everything except acetaminophen (which does nothing apart from now giving me headaches instead of taking them away!!) Okay...so all whining apart I did have an interesting event of Frontal lobe activity yesterday that is giving me hope that maybe I'm turning the corner in the pit and seeing some light. This is what happened.....Recalling that I am presently numb you must first reflect on the flat line EEG my brain represents....then....
I see an advertisement with Tina Fey in it, which I of course see as Fina Tey...which leads me to "Nell" (you know "giyengaye", naked nut in the woods...which leads me to Liam Neeson and Miranda Richardson, which leads me to skiing and fatal head injuries, which leads me to working the ER at Mac Master and losing an 8 year old to a massive cerebral hemorrhage when she fell off her bike, which takes me to the townhouses across from Canadian Tire in Burlington, and making my eldest son wear a black hockey helmet in August, and him hating me for it, which takes me to driving to PEI and back in my little Chevette, to the gear shifter coming off while doing 50 down a residential road, and downshifting with the nub of the shifter buried in squishy vinyl...which leads me to reviving a man outside McDonald's who had a stroke while eating a Big Mac, and the policeman that moved my car for me and said nothing about the vice grips that were now taking the place of my shifter, which leads me to wonder why the check engine light is on in my car now and I need an oil change!!!! Then all was quiet on the eastern front!! These little "mini mads" only take a few seconds if that, so it's comforting to know that detailed thoughts are still with me...when they start to improve and lengthen, well, look out...that's when the real blogging begins!!! For now though, things might still be slow. Oh, by the way, I'm quitting my no calorie, no potassium, no caffiene Pepsi habit. My sister is certain that it turns into turpentine as soon as I ingest it?! The detox seem to be going okay and the facial twitch that only frightened two small children in the village is almost gone! I'm als on the hunt for coconut water which I haven't found yet...any clues...anyone??

The Pit and the Pendulum

2010-08-27T18:15:00.000-04:00

The pendulum keeps swinging to flat...flat...flat...flat...all summer I have been hovering in this state of dark numbness. I force myself out of the house into the village for whatever basic needs I have, and I put on a good show while I'm there! It's a kind of "debut" each time, but a debut, as we all know, is supposed to be a single entrance, not a recurring theme!! I can be very funny when I want to be, and when I'm out, and also to make Matt laugh at home, I can put on a great show...tell a great tale...I believe in the old adage..."leave them laughing"!!!! But it's getting harder, and the flat has begun to turn into leaking. I hate leaking...my nose stings and runs and the tears just pool on my lower lids, defying gravity for awhile, until they ...well...leak. By then it's hard to see, and interferes with everything except sleep. I've watched most of the summer go by through the window in my sitting room sitting on the end of my couch, wrapped in dogs. Every time I get up to get a drink, or whatever, they leap up with excitement waiting for the leashes to be brought out, and are very disappointed when that isn't the result, and we all return to our spots, huddled up together. I love to walk them, and I know that it's both physically and psychologically good for me, but it also leaves me in pain both during the walk (plantar faciitis and shin splints), and after, fibromyalgia pain. I know I'm whining, but it really frustrates me that everything is such a struggle. I have thyroid problems too, but haven't heard yet, the results of my bloodwork. I wanted them to do a Lithium level, but apparently someone with greater authority than me needs to determine that...so I wait...and hope it doesn't get worse. I hate worse!!! The Pit.

Missing God

2010-08-24T15:19:00.000-04:00

I miss God allot right now. It's not that ...He's not around ...of course...He's all around...but I have neglected to involve Him in every aspect of my life, like I used to and loved to. A relationship with God/Jesus, is really like any other and at the same time unlike any other. When I was young I really only felt that "thrill" of being enveloped by His glory during the Christmas season, and then it waned into the background of life. While I was a teenager the last thing I wanted was to consider Jesus my comforter because I was so darn angry with Him. I couldn't forgive Him for watching while I was violated so many times, and felt He did nothing to protect me, in fact even worse, the violator was a staunch Catholic, and I was supposed to respect him...have him in my home...sit down to dinner with him!!!!! It was more than I could imagine dealing with, and I blamed everyone for it. Anger is a crippling thing. It laces every other emotion with a tinge of bitterness..a hint of poison. It took a really ;long time for me to embrace the love of Christ...the love that had been there all along, but that I hadn't understood, and felt unworthy of. When I found Him...truly found Him, I was higher than any earthly high could ever attempt to take me...all the most incredible descriptive words in every language in the world could not fully describe the wealth of emotion, the fire in my heart, the intensity and joy I felt...but I let it falter. Relationships take time, patience, commitment...and Jesus is no different. You..I mean I..can't expect to have this phenomenal relationship with Christ if I continuously push Him to the sidelines and pursue this struggle called life, on my own. I've never been very good at accepting or asking for help, and I know it's a "worthiness" thing, and a deep down fear that a) I don't deserve it and b) I'll be rejected. Although this has been reinforced in the natural realm, Jesus has never once hung up on me, or refused to listen! So why am I cloistered in my house, with umpteen Bibles, and books, and time, and shutting up my heart? I don't fully understand it myself. It's complicated!!! Please pray for me.

Why are Dog Breeders brutalizing man's Best Man's Best Friend?

2010-08-23T08:08:00.000-04:00

It is without a doubt, one of the most heinous crimes being committed on animals today, with the only result being that of general admiration for the "prettiest; wrinkly; sniffiest; dwarf like animals whose "charms are actually disabilities requiring millions of pet owner dollars to either treat their symptoms, or euthanize them. Apparently the Rhodesian Ridgeback is bred purposefully with...yes you guessed it ...a rigged back! However the ridge is often ripe with additional problems such as spina bifida, and generalized back and spine problems. Interestingly, the dogs that are bred with a recessive gene and are born without any deformities are usually culled...Killed...for being normal, healthy dogs!!!! The reason? The breeders don't want to risk the "normal" genes being passed into the bloodline....they only want the "sick" ones to be bred??!!

Does this seem somewhat sick to you? The documentary by the BBC looks at many different species of pedigree dogs, and although I have always known that a mixed breed is usually more healthy, I didn't quite realize the extent of damage that the Kennel Club, and all dog associated clans, were doing to our precious pets. The only way to stop this is by refusing to buy into their warped sense of what is beautiful in a dog. Just like trying to emulate a fashion model leaves you open to starvation, organ and body damage, and a really whacked out sense of perspective, so too does this "fashion show" of the dog. Don't do it! Simply don't. ADOPT A DOG FROM A SHELTER OR RESCUE HOME. There are thousands ... millions of dogs...even pure bred dogs ...who are now languishing in some chain link haven just waiting for YOU! And all those cute little Daschound with the 1 inch legs...they look cute all right...but just imagine if you have 1 inch legs and all that body in between....would you think it was that fun....?.....NOT!!

Dog Breeder's "mutations" found in village of 1000!

2010-08-20T13:59:00.002-04:00

I recently watched a BBC documentary from 2008 on the disasters of inbreeding super champions for the elite dog show community, and how it has resulted in the deformation and possible extinction of well known breeds such as the King Charles Spaniel, bred with a brain disease as a common dominant gene, causing extreme pain to the dog, resulting in frequent euthanizing, and the bull dog, who's head has been bred so large that they can no longer birth their litters naturally. This situation is not exclusive to the top breeder's club, and dog show dance, as I witnessed today in my small village of 1000. A beautiful Alsatian (German Shepherd) puppy rounded the corner, and I thought "what a beauti...." when it walked past and it's hind legs were deformed causing it to stumble as it went. What on earth does any animal show want with a deformed dog? A dog who, by the |Kennel Clubs choice, will live it's life with a severe disability, and pain, simply to meet some warped, extremely misguided, standard that some ill minded fools have decided is now the sign of Pedigree?? These people should not only be stopped but they should be jailed. I will continue on this thought later...Please watch the video in it's entirety.

French Immersion and the kids who are drowning in it!

2010-08-19T18:59:00.000-04:00

I don't know if this situation is common throughout schools that have embraced French Immersion for a portion of their students, but our rural school of 300 children has been dealing with this transition for sometime, with no clear solutions ahead. My son has ADHD, which seems to be common these days, and is in a mixed grade 7/8 class with about 30 other students, who also struggle with ADHD, or other learning disabilities. There is one teacher's aid, and allot of chaos. Three years ago, I was talking to my son's new teacher, trying to ensure that all the provisions outlined in Matt's IEP (Individual Education Plan) could be exercised, such as preferred seating, extended time for tests and assignments, help with note taking and recording homework assignmentts. It was a rude awakening to discover that an IEP was almost impossible to achieve in an environment where there are 2 separate grades being taught simultaneously, with 30 kids who all have their own IEP, and are there because they don't have the ability to measure up to a French Immersion curriculum. Refusing to accept this, I plunged into the year, and advocated with all my strength for Matt's plan to be executed but to no avail. All I achieved was to alienate the teacher, and find Matthew stuck in the middle wishing that I would stop asking the teacher questions!!! So it's almost the end of summer, and the School year looms ahead...both Matt and I are looking forward to it!!!!!!......NOT!

JACKIE EVANCHO Opera Singer Americas got talent You tube edition.HQ-8-10-10

2010-08-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

Jackie Evancho walked gingerly onto the stage of America's got Talent"...approached the microphone as the audience fell silent....and then she opened her little mouth...and sang as if she had been training for 30 years for this moment!!! A voice so incredibly set apart from her age and size, that some have had trouble believing it could be true. It will be amazing to see where this new found fame leads her...hopefully to an exciting and fulfilling life ahead.

Stoning

2010-08-08T19:07:00.001-04:00

If you are interested in a little light entertainment then DON'T WATCH THE STONING OF SARAJA M.!
Since there has been a great deal of median attention on the issue of the proposed stoning execution of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, age 43 due to occur in Iran this month, but presently postponed I thought I would watch this film starring Shohreh Aghdashloo and 'The Passion of the Christ' star Jim Caviezel.

The plot...all based on a true story...follows a journalist who comes upon a woman who has just witnessed the stoning death of her niece. The story tells of a young woman's plight...being sentenced to death by stoning for adultery. Her husband has concocted this story for a means to his own end, but the truth will not be heard, and the execution is inevitable. The hole that they have dug for her to stand up in is appallingly well dug, with great care having been taken to ensure that this woman is properly buried, just over her waist. They gleefully fill the hole, once they have lowered her in, securing her wrists in order to prevent her from shielding herself from the blows. Since all the villagers, who have gathered to enjoy the event are dressed in chadors and hijaab(s), it is easy to think that this is a film depicting biblical times, with the result being a sense of a less immediate threat...but of course that is not the case, and we also know that a young woman, Sakineh is right now being threatened with execution by stoning in August of 2010, should Iran renege on it's promise to Amnesty International to end this practice.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10579121

This film was amazing, and I was certainly deeply moved by it...but I could not watch the stoning in it's entirety...I felt nauseated at the sight of such brutality, although I know it exists, I couldn't bear witness to it in the same way as I couldn't fully watch The Passion and Christ's scourging.

Surely the deepest, most fiery pit is reserved for those who participate in this vile practice.

So my recommendation is...yes...to watch it...turning it on and off as needed...and pick up a pen or pencil, and sign anything that will help any organization anywhere, to stop this from happening.
I pray that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will meet an brutal and untimely end.....you might want to join me in that !
...Dear Lord...I know that You created this little man for a good purpose, but he has turned from you, and his heart is black, and his mind full of evil. I ask You Lord to remove him from this world for the sake of his people, and indeed the world. He lays down dark plans in concert with the evil one. I ask you to protect Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, and her 2 children. Let no harm come to them. You are a Mighty God and Your will be done. Amen.

https://www.amnesty.ca/resource_centre/view.php?load=arcview&article=4411&c=Resource%20Centre%20News

Time Flies...and so do birds

2010-08-07T12:51:00.002-04:00

Please excuse the lapse in posting, but it's been a very rough week. All the lovely Fibromyalgia issues have flared up in my attempt to get things done, and entertain Matthew. One night I had no meds because we'd stayed out so late that the Pharmacy had closed, and so I couldn't sleep at all, and I'm still recovering from that...along with pain, explosive headaches, periods of angina, and general flu like symptoms on top of the fatigue that won't let go. Oh what fun...but it could worse.
As I said, or I think I said, a few days ago...time flies...and sometimes I don't realize just how much time has gone by. During the summer, I usually put all my birds out on the deck in their huge cage, and feed them apple branches!! They love it! I have 4 cockatiels, and a spunky budgie, who has occasionally manages to escape from the cage, and has previously made meals out of my drywall. So the solution to that, is to clip his wings (and usually all the birds wings) for the summer, so that they can be in and out of the cage safely. Marty (budgie) had his wings clipped earlier than usual because of the drywall incident, and I guess I just didn't realize how long it had been, when I discovered him sitting on top of the cage, laughing at all the other birds below him (he's a bit bossy and snooty for a small bird). Anyway, out I went to retrieve him, and put him in the smaller cage , since I decided, if he was going to misbehave...he would have to forgo the munching of the tasty apple branches...that would be punishment enough for him!!!! As I approached he looked me square in the face...(tweeting twice, which I assume is swearing in bird talk)... and promptly flew off into the greener than green forest that edges our back garden! At first I was in shock..."he can't fly"..I said to myself, and the other birds that were listening intently to me...while imagining their own freedom out there in the forest! Then I counted the time, and of course it had been time enough for the little green man to grow his feathers back...I just hadn't noticed. So all day I hovered back and forth between the couch, where I hoped that the pain would subside and some rest take over, and the back forest, calling out for Marty to return (like he would) and imagining that every small bird that flitted from branch to branch must be him. The goldfinches teased me relentlessly with their song...a song that Marty had learned to duplicate during his days on the deck...little did I know that he was planning an escape, and learning a foreign language is, of course, paramount for escape success! So Marty's gone and I am ambivalent about his fate. On the one hand, I picture him flying for miles and miles, with his goldfinch friends...perhaps surprising some unprepared bird feeder owner, and generally having a wonderful time (I hate that bird...where is he?). But on the other hand we all (The tiels and I) know how bossy Marty is, and he may try to take charge of the entire flock, which probably wouldn't go very well!! He might get picked on for his funny beak, and his odd flight pattern, setting him apart from the other birds( do birds have antibullying campaigns?) I worry about the cold nights, and imagined him pecking at the sliding door last night, with an apologetic chirp, wanting to come home...but...that's probably not likely (maybe I should leave the door open...good riddance!). But maybe there's a flock of indigent budgies flying around North America...kind of like that garbage island,... and he'll join them in pursuit of the homeland!!! Yes...I like that idea!!! I can live with that!!!!! Goodbye and good luck Marty....(stupid bird...wait I think I hear him!........gotta go!!!....)

Sunglasses and Sunny Smiles!

2010-07-31T14:51:00.002-04:00

You know how annoying commercials can be...you're right into the movie and all of a sudden another round of commercials begins to roll...and roll...and roll....and sometimes they'll even play the same commercial back to back!!!!That drives me nuts!!! But, to be fair, there really is an art to advertising. They have an average of 30 seconds or less to communicate all that information, in as artful way as possible. That's no small feat! I have difficulty in composing a single thought in that length of time!! So a great deal of advertising, for me, is frustrating, and there are some that are just plain disgusting...like the seniors sex night Polident commercial...that one drove me to distraction, until I finally wrote a letter to to the company, which must have been part of a pile of letters to the company, because low and behold, they stopped airing it!!! Power to the People!!! Which brings me to my final point...commercials I love!!! Yes, there are some, and currently the one I am particularly fond of is the Subaru Outback commercial. You know the one where this attractive couple are enjoying their "getaway" in a variety of spots "outback" in some desert looking place. Part way through the day the guy realizes that he's lost his sunglasses. They must have been a pair of those designer sunglasses...the really expensive kind...because they now turn around and revisit every spot that they've been all day! They drive and drive, stopping here and there throughout desert land, looking and looking...but to no avail! It's now dark, and they revisit a cave, whereupon the woman, who is now at the wheel, honks the horn to see if he's okay, and a flurry of bats accompanies him out of the mouth of the cave. As he lifts the hood of his sweatshirt to protect himself from the bat guano, he finds that his sunglasses have been safely tucked into his hoodie the entire time. He grabs them, and looks sheepishly at the woman in the vehicle, while shrugging his shoulders ...and then it happens...she tilts her pretty head, and then smiles the most beautiful smile you have ever seen!!!! But that's not the best part....well it is and it isn't!!! You see, every time she does that ...that smile tilt thing...I think to myself..."You are every person's dream....I would want you as a friend, a mother, a sister, a daughter... I just want you in my surroundings...No wait...I want to BE YOU....I want to be that woman who drives all day...looking for something that's not really lost at all, and then just smiles a beautiful smile when whatever it is finally discovered!!!" Because we all know the reality...imagine being him and realizing that you just wasted the entire day looking for something you had all the time...that in itself would jump start my neuroses...ask someone to GO BACK for something I had forgotten....forget it!!! The last time I did that I got a major dressing down, enough to humiliate a 2 yr. old and I was 40 at the time!!..Then the "finding" of them would result in an explosive assault, followed by years worth of dirty looks whenever the item "sunglasses" were raised....it may even end up on my tombstone..."Here lies Sally....she lost her sunglasses and screwed up our entire day!...we have finally forgiven her!!"; So perhaps that's another reason why I love it so much...it's kind of like watching a fairytale, with the perfect ending! I just get a warm fuzzy feeling all over...and everything, for the moment, is OK! ...and it only took 30 seconds, and has no side effects!! What could be better!

Here it is... Enjoy, and let m know if you have better one!

Moonlight Swim

2010-07-30T06:04:00.001-04:00

Well it's six a.m. and I haven't been to bed yet! Here I go!! Had my night meds including 2 sleeping pills but no luck. Matt was in the same boat so at about 3:30 we took off down to the lake, and he went swimming and I walked the dogs and paddled. The moon looked beautiful, it's beams dancing across the rippling water, sending out a sparkling light which I couldn't catch on camera, but I did try! We tied the dogs' leashes together, and attached a flashing bulb to Ollie's collar so we could keep track of the two of them even in the dark. That worked pretty well. We stayed for an hour, and then returned home. Matt was certain that he wouldn't be able to sleep and we should both just stay up and go back to the lake come sun up. Well I suggested that he might want to try to lie down, and sure enough now...Matt's sleeping...Ollie's sleeping...Dudley's sleeping....and me.....well I'm writing this post!!! The day is beginning, and the sun is shining. I wonder what this day will bring, and how much of it I'll see!!!!!

Courageous People In sickness and health

2010-07-29T06:02:00.000-04:00

Just watched a documentary called "A Lion in the House" which follows some families who have a loved one in a "critical care" situation. What is glaringly obvious is that their world's have changed completely, and usually by one critical event...or a shocking diagnosis...one minute life is going along just fine, and your worried about the messy living room, and how much noise the kids are making, and the next minute none of that petty stuff matters...in fact even stuff that is important (such as paying your bills, and going to work) becomes the irritating noise in the back of your head, that's interfering with your ability to keep all your focus on your child, or mother, or husband' or wife!!!!!! Everything around you fades away...life is now about getting through the minutes, days, and hours. surviving the treatments and diagnoses and then more treatments. I watched these family members doing all they could do to make their family safe, against this monster called illness and disease. I was awed at their ability to keep going...their ability to stuff all their fear, and emotion, way down deep where it can't infect their child, their brother, their father...and then put one foot in front of the other, every day, for as long as it takes. Courage is all around...it is in the eyes of the patient getting prepared to have that next treatment that they know will make them sick...it is in the eyes of the mother who holds down her child, despite the screaming, and maintains a calm demeanour while her heart is breaking, it is in the eyes of the doctor who enters the room with sadness in his eyes, but pulls himself together while he shares bad news with a patients family.
I am so blessed. My children have all been healthy, and I feel as if I don't appreciate that gift enough. I have taken it for granted and that must change.
How about it? Do you take your health and that of your family for granted? Let me know what you think.

The Sexuality Puzzle

2010-07-28T18:34:00.000-04:00

I don't remember there ever being so much talk about sexual orientation amongst teens than in the past 10 years. I'm all for supporting kids through this process, as adults who may understand all the family dynamics involved, and whether parents are supportive or not, but I worry that these days there is a trend to claim other than straight sexuality for the shock factor. The resulting backlash can be dangerous when young people are so vulnerable. A person's sexuality is a personal thing, and I don't understand the apparent need to be flagrant about it...providing pictorial essays to prove the fact. When the motivation is to shock...the result is shock...and the result of that result..is to be offended that they're shocked!?...It just becomes more and more mixed up. The following youth website has more insight than I do...but they also suggest caution in making any sexual declaration in your early years.
http://sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-1.aspx
When I was a kid, I had a crush on my camp counsellor Sydney!!! I thought she was the coolest thing. That was a natural part of being an adolescent...now I would be made to feel that I was gay.

..."Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?

The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. "

I have a personal experience here, that affects my judgement. I met a man who, after a while, revealed to me me, that he had been severely molested by 2 men for many years, and this had confused his sense of himself, and his sexuality, or so he said. It was a difficult time for us both, but I felt it must be more difficult for him, as he was going through the process of dealing with such horrendous events. The confusion about sexual orientation had not been immediately revealed to me, and by the time the abuse was revealed, we were already in a pretty intense relationship. I asked the questions..."are you gay"..."don't you think you should deal with this"..."it doesn't just go away?"...He always answered the way he knew I wanted him to answer..the way that would keep us together instead of apart. Years later I understand how vulnerable he was then, and I also understand that if I had been wiser, and had better self esteem, I would have ended the relationship right then and there...but I didn't. I loved him, and I couldn't imagine kicking someone out of my life at a time when they needed so much support. But the result was a whole lot of misery and pain later. A lot of unkind words were spoken over the years.
I am not homophobic! I do not like or dislike someone because of their sexuality! However,
i also wouldn't date anyone who was confused about their sexuality, and I think it is wrong for individuals who are unsure, to get involved in a romantic relationship with anyone. It just isn't fair. If that somehow makes me "homophobic" then I would debate ur definition of the term. And that's all I'm gonna say about that!

Conversations with God

2010-07-24T09:54:00.003-04:00

As anyone who has read my blog knows, I live with my 13 year old son, 5 birds, 2 dogs, and 1 very fat cat! We also have an XBox live and a computer with Internet (obviously or I wouldn't be talking to you now!)..which means I do spend quite a bit of time on my own. Over the years I've developed a habit of talking to God out loud...when previously I did it in my head. As you also know, if you've read my blog, I am ill, so I don't get out much, but on the occasions that I do, my little habit can be disturbing to others...say in the line for the bank machine...while picking vegetables in the produce aisle...while walking my dogs down the street!! People already think I'm, how did someone put it..."out there"...but apparently that was a compliment!!! Anyhew, I though that since I'm "sharing" with you I'd let you in on a conversation that I had with God just this morning following watching....what else...CNN!

It went something like this...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this God...look at what's going on down here....do you see it? Of course you do you're God...but every thing's upside down...all hell's breaking loose...heinous tyrants and child molesters run free while little children are dying of starvation in a world full of food....This is insane God!! How can this be...you're a "loving God"...can't we just feed the starving for awhile until the world sees how much better things could be if they got involved?...Just for a year...six months even? People are getting millions and millions of dollars to make a movie...or play a game...come on God...help us out here!! What?...I know You gave us "free will"...but free will sucks (excuse my language)...free will is way out of hand!! You've got to rein us in Lord before we implode!...You can't?...You won't....free will again...I get it...but I don't like it!! Okay let's look at things a little differently....like...say....a game show, and You're the Host...Adam and Eve had 2 choices....door #1...a peaceful place to live out their lives with no worries, wars, or starvation...or #2...free will!!! Eve talks to a snake and then the whole of civilization suffers. Okay God, they were CRAZY ...who in their right mind would pick that...what?...Oh yeah...lots of people as it turns out...and they think we're crazy!! Well couldn't we just change things up a bit...You know the whole "reality" TV thing that's going on down here...how about we create "Global Survivor" and You of course are still the Host. Give us some little activity (not too strenuous...remember David and Goliath) and then we all get to vote them off.....week #1...Osama Bin Laden...poof....week 2...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ...poof...week 3....(you see where I'm going with this)...Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir...poof ...You said don't hide you're light under a basket...no...we'll snuff the suckers out with a coconut!!!!...Great plan eh?... Okay...I know what's coming next...it's not up to us to take a life...You're decision...no votes...no doors...well one door right? "Knock and the door will be opened"...But could You at least give me a hint about this "End Times" thing...I mean it's looking pretty darn bad....floods, famine, etc. and it's coming up on 2012? just a little hint? No?...What's that You say?....Just be ready...okay...talk to You later. Over and out!!!

And that's how it goes with us. A little banter here, a little banter there...and a whole lotta soul searching in between!!!

Roman Polanski-rewarding a deviant

2010-07-23T10:11:00.001-04:00

In March 1977, film director Roman Polanski was arrested and charged with a number of offenses against Samantha Geimer, a thirteen-year-old girl[1] – rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under fourteen, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor.[2] At his arraignment Polanski pleaded not guilty to all charges,[3] but later accepted a plea bargain whose terms included dismissal of five of the initial charges[4] in exchange for a guilty plea to the lesser charge of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse.[4][5]

Polanski underwent a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation,[6] and it was expected that he would only receive probation at his sentencing. However, upon learning that he would likely face imprisonment and deportation,[5][7] Polanski fled to France in February 1978, hours before he was to be formally sentenced.[8] Since then Polanski has mostly lived in France and avoided visiting countries likely to extradite him to the United States.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Polanski_sexual_abuse_case

So the little slime bucket stayed away from North America, and continued his professional life basically unimpeded...just as if he wasn't a rapist...people adore him, think he's brilliant...couldn't begin to imagine the reality of what he has done. He helped that along by minimizing the circumstances, claiming the sex (with a 13 yr. old) was consensual, not mentioning the drugs and alcohol he poured down her throat before he raped her. No...those little details were conveniently left out. There was so much pandemonium over what happened to Polanski in the legal process, which was a mess, that the public's interest and awareness faded before all the facts were pronounced properly. The so called "Judge" was unable to separate himself from his fascination with his own notoriety gained from this case, and how popular his opinions would be in the legal and entertainment world. While he struggled with changing his decisions, Polanski took off, as detailed in the wikipedia link.

Over the years interest faded, until an HBO documentary, and another film, revived the public's awareness, and brought the criminal and legal issues back into the limelight. It started ironically, with Polanski's lawyers wanting a pardon for Polanski (!), and pursuing litigation against the Judge in question. The little twerp has no shame!! Then there were requests for Polanski to be returned to the United States to face his original rape charges...

"Last September, the "Rosemary's Baby" director was arrested in Zurich on the basis of a U.S. extradition request stemming from a 32-year-old sex charge. In 1978, Polanski fled America after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl in Los Angeles.

He was freed last Monday after Swiss authorities declared that the U.S. had failed to provide records of a January hearing that would have shown Polanski had already served his sentence
"I'm not sure what I will do hereafter," Polanski told Swiss station TSR on Saturday. "For the moment I'm happy to be free."
http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/07/19/roman-polanski-happy-to-be-free/

So 8 months of "house arrest", and it's all good for Roman Polanski...he's happy he's free!
Maybe the woman who says he raped her at age 16 will have better luck seeking justice...but I doubt it.

Shirley Sherrod

2010-07-22T13:33:00.000-04:00

Racism is a "hot potato" issue and everyone who dares to venture close to this topic will usually be branded a "racist".
So let's start by defining what racism is according to the dictionary as follows...

rac·ism /ˈreɪsɪzəm/ Show Spelled[rey-siz-uhm] Show IPA

–noun
1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Origin:

1865–70; < F racisme. See race2 , -ism
Related forms
racist, noun, adjective
an·ti·ra·cism, noun
an·ti·ra·cist, noun, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged

The other day a woman by the name of Shirley , Georgia Director of Rural Development, Sherrod was called to task regarding statements she made about an experience she had 24 years ago and spoke about at an NAACP sponsored luncheon in March. A blogger had found and taken a segment of Ms. Sherrod's speech and loaded it on to you tube ( our source for all serious news!) and it quickly produced the uproar the he surely intended, and culminated in the firing of Ms. Sherrod, and then the subsequent International discussion that ensued.
Was she being racist...the quotes that were plucked out of context would support it...check out definition #1 above...then read on... Shirley Sherrod openly admits that her experience with white people had been seriously tarnished by the murder of her father when she was young. The killer was white...the witnesses were black...it never went to trial. She had promised herself that she would help her black brothers and sisters whatever she did in the future. Then the turning point for Shirley arrived...
"The first time I was faced with having to help a white farmer save his farm, he took a long time talking but he was trying to show me he was superior to me. I know what he was doing, but he had come to me for help. What he didn't know while he was taking all that time trying to show me he was superior to me was, I was trying to decide just how much help I was going to give him," Sherrod said.

"I was struggling with the fact that so many black people had lost their farmland, and here I was faced with having to help a white person save their land. So I didn't give him the full force of what I could do. I did enough," Sherrod said. "So that when he, I assumed the Department of Agriculture had sent him to me, either that or the Georgia Department of Agriculture, and he needed to go back and report that I did try to help him."

In the video, Shirley speaks about referring the white farmer to a white lawyer, thinking the latter would be more sympathetic because of his race... "So I took him to a white lawyer that had attended some of training that we had provided because Chapter 12 bankruptcy had just been enacted for the family farm. So I figured if I take him to one of them, that his own kind would take care of him."

So what do you think so far? Sounds like she is having trouble seeing past this man's colour, and over to the issue at hand...helping him save his farm? This is the point where your "racist" viewers turn off the video...the time when they state categorically..."See...she's a racist handing out money to black people only..."
That's at point 22 minutes...the video is 43 minutes long!! You can watch it in it's entirety...

What have they left out...the part where the white farmer comes back because the white lawyer won't help him...he doesn' have any money!!! Shirley shares that this moment was pivotal in her life, as she realized it wasn't about race...it's about money and power vs. poor and powerless. She determined to help anyone who was powerless to help themselves, regardless of the colour of their skin....Now that's pretty racist dontcha think?
There's one race we should all be concerned about, and that of course is the "Human Race". We get so caught up in picking the needles out of the haystack, that we spoil the hay...the most valuable part.
None of us are immune to the effects of this skewed racism. A few years ago Canada was sited by the UN as being "racist" for using the term "visible minority" on it's census forms.
"UN calls Canada racist for 'visible minorities' tag
Canada's use of the term "visible minorities" to identify people it considers susceptible to racial discrimination came under fire at the United Nations Wednesday - for being racist....the Geneva-based Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination - also questioned other terms used by the federal government, among them "ethnocultural communities."
By Can West News Service March 8, 2007 "

UNITED NATIONS - Canada's use of the term "visible minorities" to identify people it considers susceptible to racial discrimination came under fire at the United Nations Wednesday - for being racist.
The world body's anti-racism watchdog says in a report on Ottawa's efforts to eliminate racial discrimination in Canada that the words might contravene an international treaty aimed at combating racism.
Members of the watchdog - the Geneva-based Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination - also questioned other terms used by the federal government, among them "ethnocultural communities."
Other highlights of the report include a call for Canada to provide welfare to undocumented immigrants and failed refugee applicants; an expression of concern about "racial profiling" in Canada; and a recommendation that Canada pass laws to prevent Canadian transnational companies from trampling on the rights of indigenous peoples overseas.
Released Wednesday, the report presents the committee's findings after its members last month grilled a Canadian Heritage-led delegation on Canada's anti-racism policies.
All countries that have signed the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination must appear periodically before the committee to explain how they are respecting the treaty.
While the committee's recommendations are not legally binding, Ottawa says it is taking note.
"Constructive suggestions made by the committee may be useful to Canada in order to enhance its implementation of the convention," says Canadian Heritage spokeswoman Dominique Collin.
Eliminating all forms of identification would raise the question: How can minorities be helped or protected if there is no definition of who they are?
"I don't think the committee members could have realized that Canada's use of the term 'visible minorities' is aimed at ensuring positive discrimination," says Martin Collacott, a former Canadian ambassador to a number of Asian and Middle Eastern countries, and currently senior fellow at the Fraser Institute, a Canadian think-tank."

I don't know what the real answer is, because even when people are trying to help, they are slandered for the mere distinction. My little country village has little in the way of cultural diversity, and having lived in more diverse areas, I know that we are missing the blessing that come with sharing our cultural backgrounds and traditions. We are a village of 1000 people, but the good thing is that our town (20 min. out) is growing in diversity, and hopefully this will have an impact on our village makeup.

mel gibson's fall from Grace

2010-07-21T12:46:00.000-04:00

It's always disappointing when someone who is revered for their talent turns out to be an absolute moron in real life!! What is even sadder, but interesting, is that so many "atheists" are revelling in the fact that gibson wrote, directed and produced "The Passion of Christ". As always, when someone professes to have faith and then falls, it becomes a reason not to believe in God!! Having faith, and living out your faith is a daily struggle, because we live in the world of sin...and if we are honest about it, I don't think that anyone can really dispute that evil is all around us, temptation to do evil is all around us, and the difference between Christians and non believers is that we/I know that I am struggling with things that non believers may not consider sinful, and I believe that my life will be much improved if I follow what Christ wants for my life...to love each other as He has loved me...what a strange concept! Clearly mel is not loving Oksana as Christ has called him to do, and he should be condemned for that. But the "worldly" truth is that if mel gibson comes calling with a film to be produced, he will produce it....if mel gibson approached actors/actresses and offers them million to play a role in his film, they will do it...if mel gibson produces and directs a film, and releases it to be shown in theatres, it will be released, and he will make a fortune, and the likelihood that he will suffer any consequence is minimal, Just like Roman Polanski, it is okay in this world to rape a 13 year old girl, and continue to have unimpeded fame and fortune!
Any world that re veers and rewards individuals who commit heinous acts, usually with money and more fame, is misguided, confused, and ruled by evil, not good. We, you and me, have the power to join together and fight this system of behaviour, from the bottom up. Don't buy that ticket, see or rent that movie, listen to or buy that CD, read or download that book.
For those individuals who are excited about the fall of Christians, I say it is strangely sad that some would take comfort in someone elses fall from grace, while at the same time denying it exists?

The Destiny of Darfur

2010-07-16T13:47:00.000-04:00

The Associated press has recently released this article about the current situation in Sudan.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gndJKm5SlklOBRhtc1v_-KST_GmQD9GVMB180

As the article demonstrates, the Sudanese Government led by President omar al bashir, continues to ignore Universal Disgust of the practices of genocide on the African people of Dar fur, and raises the finger at the UN and everyone in it, by systematically removing aid workers from Sudan, and jailing reporters who dare to share truth with the world, about his tyranny. Years upon years are going by, and nothing is being done to stop this. The Geneva Convention made it a crime against humanity to commit genocide, and we finally have called it "genocide" (how long did that take, and how many died before that title was issued) and still there is no action....Why? This Evil Tyrant has been charged with war crimes, but not arrested....why? I don't understand, in this era of communication, technology, and super sleuthing...why are people like this man, still walking the earth freely...Just like other terrorists at large, this man needs to be stopped. Is it just because his victims are poor black Africans?? If he were here in North America, practicing the same sort of evil, would we be so cavalier about it? Our voices should be crying out...no...screaming out...to end this man's practices and his life. There is no forgiveness for men like these...I truly believe that if we were in Old Testament times, the very hand of God would reach down on this man's head, and pop it, like the insignific ant pea that he is...and we would cheer and revel in his demise!!! Okay.....breathe!

Quite simply the destiny of Dar fur is in OUR hands.....what will we do?......

The Crazy truth about Life

2010-07-14T22:05:00.000-04:00

It's a funny thing about life...when you're young all you can think about is when you get to be grown up...you practice having intense relationships in your dreams...you crave the day when you can drive a car...when you can have ur own place...when u can have ur own money...go out whenever u want...blah...blah...blah..!! Once you get to the point when you have ur own car...have ur own job...have ur own place...have ur own money/debt...all u can think about is what ur going to do when u get ur next job...place...car...more money...what u'll do when u reach ur goals...but the goals and desires kepp changing and before u know it...somehow...sometime...u start looking back...and the really funny thing is that the cars...the jobs....the places...and the money/debt...is/are...in the grand scheme of things...pretty unimportant. The only thing that's important are the people and the relationships, and how they have helped to shape who you are, and how that has shaped other people's lives who have shared, in a big or small way, in your life. It's those moments in time when you have been truly authentic, and allowed the real you to embrace someone and potentially change the course of their lives! That's a pretty huge thing...it's the best thing...it's the only thing that will make your life significant. It's hard to share this simple truth with young people, beacause...well...they're young people!! They are, by nature of their condition, somewhat ...or very ...self absorbed, impulsive, and feel knowledgeable beyond their years, and now a days being knowledgeable beyond their years is a pretty consistent condition for teens in our present culture. Being 13 now is way different than being 13 when my older sons were 13, and way way different than when I was 13 (obviously...I rode my dinosaur to school!!)..so it's very hard to impart wisdom to these kids, especially Biblical wisdom...because if I'm not relevant, they surely can't gain anything from a book written more than 2000 years ago!!!!! They think!!!But these are the years that this wisdom can guide and guard them from so much pain and dissappointment...knowing that you are loved beyond all measure, and no matter what happens, you will continue to be loved, and valued, and seen as a precious gift to be cherished...to be wrapped up in that love changes you...strengthens you...protects you from making choices that would harm you, because you don't need more attention than you already have...you fell safe and at home in your own skin. There is no ulterior motive, no measure to achieve,...just safety and love and "peace that surpasses all understanding". In my own adolescence I didn't feel that confident in my lovability...I felt that on the list of "needs" priority...my needs were last on the list, and I carried that notion throughout my life...I still have a hard time with boundaries and saying no...but I found a way to solve it...I just don't have relationships, I don't go out anywhere!!! I have enough on my plate that I struggle with anyway...I can't look after anyone else!! That may sound terrible, but it's true, and I just live with it!! But kids I meet, I still want to share that truth with them, and I hope that one day God will give me the chance to do more for our youth. Thatis...if I can ever get out of this house!!!! Well so much for serious,,,,time to lighten up....next time!!

102 uses for Duct Tape!

2010-07-11T17:10:00.000-04:00

If you've been anywhere in the eastern part of N. America in the past week then you know that it started by being hot (following 6 days of rain, a welcome relief for my poor fibro racked bones), then it was hotter than hot...then it was suffocatingly hot (with accompanying bouts of angina)....followed by overwhelmingly ridiculous hot!! It was...in a word...HOT! We began this heat wave adventure in good spirits, and looking forward to a much needed drying out, but as the week progressed it became more and more difficult to cope with the less pleasant side effects of the heat, and a hot house...those being....no sleep...no apetite...no energy (less than my low normal!)...no food...no will to shop...feeling faint, and suffering with angina. We spent Monday - Wednesday at the lake, which is our usual method of escaping, but usually once we return home, the house has cooled, and we're comfortable and nicely tired enough to sleep...this week that was not to be. No matter how late we came home, the heat was hanging like a lead curtain throughout the house, increasing in intensity the closer you got to the upstairs. By Wednesday when leaving the house I began to wonder if I should be going to the Lake, or the Hospital, and by the time we got home I knew that I had to do something to survive. 2 years ago I purchased 2 air conditioners, which had stayed neatly tucked away in the upstairs closet ever since. I had to get these installed...it was our only hope. Since I don't have a man, and the situation was dire, I wrestled one of the AC units out of the closet, and down the stairs...it was not a pretty site. Once I opened the box and began reading the instruction manual (the first 5 pages being "warnings") I realized, as I wiped the sweat away from my burning eyes, that this manual was written in gobbledygook...that language that looks like English...but really has some other origin!! The words all pull together in what is supposed to be a sentence, however, no matter how many times, or how slowly you read it...it makes absolutely no sense at all. My hopes were dashed...I almost wept. By Thursday morning my stubborn little self, was on the phone trying to find a "handy man"!!! A fellow was recommended to me, and able to come that afternoon, so we stayed home and sweat ourselves out while waiting for his arrival. By the time he arrived I was exhausted, but clinging to the fact that I would soon be the happy owner of a cool house! I had him bring the other AC unit downstairs, through the blistering heat of our upstairs (1/2 storey), and he then began to toil over the instruction manual himself ....reading...sweating...reading...re-reading...more sweating...groaning...(you get the picture!!)...after 2 1/2 hours of reading; sweating; and installing some parts on the main unit, he announced that he didn't feel that he had the right equipment or know how to complete the job properly, and then he left! I was devastated and dashed...my hope for coolness and a night's sleep were gone. I lay down on the coach and applied wet cloths to my body, praying for some kind of rejuvenation. After about an hour I came to my senses....I would not be daunted by this silly manual, meant to dissuade mere mortals like myself from installing air conditioners by themselves...it was pure propaganda...the type designed to waive any and all possible responsibility, from injury and or death...from a paper cut to electrocution, and I would NOT be marginalized...I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!
So over the next 2 days I installed those air conditioners, one by one, with every woman's most important household tool...Duct Tape!!!!!! By Friday night Matt, Oliver and Dudley were all basking in the coolness that is now our first floor...just don't go upstairs just yet! I suppose that at some point in the near future I will probably have to relent and ask another male to come to my home and install my AC units properly...but for now it's just kind of nice to know that despite being old, ill, and just a little bit crazy...I've still got it!!!

Dolly Parton and the hamster

2010-07-06T13:43:00.001-04:00

So I'm watching Dolly Parton, and Kenny Rogers, on Oprah...everyone singing those songs that everyone, fan or not, knows the lyrics to. This takes me back to being 19, and having basically "run away" from Victoria BC where my parents lived briefly (that's how I got there, being unsuccessful at providing for myself, and my cat) and getting on a midnight train to Edmonton, with my boyfriend, who was 10 years my senior. We sat in the dome car all night watching the mountains go by, the pristine snow sparkling in the light of a full moon! Incredible!! So what does that have to do with Dolly you say? Well when we got to Edmonton, we had nothing but the clothes on our back and a small amount of money. We found a really sleazy one room apartment, and bought 1 pot, 2 plates and a set of cutlery each. We searched for jobs, and when we found them (a Bookstore for me, a contracting job for him) we decided we would splurge....so we went to the pawn shop and bought a little tape player and every Dolly Parton tape we could find!!!! That little music machine provided hours of entertainment, and drowned out the sound of the inebriated couple next door as they fought on and on...and we sung "I will always love you" and other such songs!!!! I remember we wanted a pet....and we could afford the pet...it was the cage we couldn't quite manage....so we got the hamster anyway, and it lived in the crisper container of the fridge...no, not in the fridge...the container was out of the fridge....we didn't need it anyway because we didn't have enough money to fill both crispers !!! We eventually "moon lighted" from that apartment to a better one room apartment! I also remember that winter in Edmonton is cold...when I say cold...I mean "deadly" cold. Having come from Victoria, I didn't have any boots, and was wearing those little Chinese slippers, black cotton, with a little strap. My feet got very cold going to and from work, but the interesting thing about the cold in Edmonton is that it actually "speed freezes" your flesh so quickly, that you don't realize that you can no longer feel your feet until about 2 hours after you're back inside!!! That's presuming that they don't just come right off when you remove your shoes!!! It's the "thawing" not the "freezing" that is so incredibly painful. It almost makes you want to just put your "shoes" back on and go back outside for awhile!!!! Anyway...it's funny how these things go...how things link together in a quirky kind of way! the best thing about Dolly; the hamster; the weird neighbours; the cold and the man is...that I got a "Paul and Andrew" out of it ...so they're worth more than losing a few toes!!!...if I had lost any toes....which I didn't...but you get the point!!

A Thought About Commenting

2010-07-05T22:56:00.002-04:00

Commenting, I realize, is an extremely frightening thing to do. It is akin to leaving a voicemail...once you've left it...it's left...no way to retrieve it; erase it; take the words back. I do need to point out that it is the same in general conversation....a word spoken perhaps in jest, can sometimes be explosive...but we don't seem to be as reluctant to talk as we are to leave messages or comments....funny that!! Anyway, my point is, that there's really no need to be anymore scared of leaving a comment than you do when talking...the risks are the same, but no one knows who you are if you don't want them to, so it's really alot easier. You can type whatever you want, and I can't *69 you to see who you are!!
But you see for us "Bloggers" the comment is EVERYTHING!!!!!....it's our "life's blood"...it's what we need to course though our veins, and keep us breathing in and out and to be perfectly frank.....right now I'm pretty darn anaemic!!!!!! Please save me from myself....

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!!!!

2010-07-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

I love gummy bears...no chocolate...no chips...but a nice big bowl of gummy bears is all I need to make me happy. So when Matt told me I "had to see the gummy bear song" I was hesitant...it's never good to humanize one's food source...ask any farmer...that's why they don't name "hannah" the cow, because they know that sometime soon "Hannah" will be hamburger...and there's something wrong with having a hamburger named Hannah....don'tcha think? So you understand my hesitation!! Anyway, as you can see I did watch "the gummy bear song" and I'm sharing it with you. I have been able to distance myself from the aforementioned difficulty mainly beacuse he's green....I don't eat the green ones...well that's not entirely true...If I'm really hungry I will combine the green ones with a whole lotta red or orange ones because they are my favourite, (duh..of course...who likes lime anyway?) and I scrunch them (red, orange, yellowish) around the "greenie" in order to overpower his greenie taste!!! There's also something odd about the singing greenie gummie bear....not that being a singing greenie gummie bear isn't odd enough already but....I think he was in a fight....with Mike Tyson?! Just sayin!!

Wimbeldon World

2010-07-04T22:51:00.000-04:00

From previous posts, you may have read that I spent a lot of my time as a youth, playing tennis, and drinking, and sometimes playing tennis after drinking, which I don't recommend! So it naturally follows that when the great English Tennis Championship is on....I'm an enthusiastic viewer. Also it's hard to cheer for SVU (Special Victims Unit), and Animal Cops...and I suppose you can cheer for Cesar Milan "the Dog Whisperer"...but it always comes out with a Spanish accent, and then I can't let go of it!!
But cheering for tennis is almost as awesome as cheering for Canada, with one big exception...Canada was not the underdog!!!! I don't know why, but that is consistently my position....cheering for the underdog. I remember the first Wimbledon that I was actively cheering, and that was when Margaret Court played Yvonne Goolagong in the final, and I was certain that Evonne would win....she had to....her story and her struggle demanded it! I watched it with my grandmother, and she knitted while I wriggled around trying to be quiet but blurting out a cheer here and there. Granny didn't think that anyone would beat Margaret, and she didn't want me to be too disappointed when Evonne lost!!...But she didn't lose!!!! When the press interviewed her she said the cutest thing....she was worried about dancing with the male winner...and was going to cheer for the shorter boy...she being just above 4 feet herself...things sure have changed...whites are no longer whites (with the exception of Wimbledon) and the most provocative in this line is Serena Williams...did you see her recent "tennis" wear, which resembled a black lace corset with red accents!!! The noise at the Championships no longer comes from the spectators, but rather the players seem to be competing not only for scoring prowess, but also volume of yelps!!! The tennis racquet's are made out of something that NASA created, and if you serve at less than 100 mph, your game needs work!! The game no longer varies from baseline to net...but is played almost entirely 5 ft outside the baseline...probably because playing inside the line could result in massive injury!. My grandmother and I loved to watch tennis together, all the while her knitting needles clicking rapidly, but she never lowered her head ( I found that almost as engrossing as the tennis)...and I remember her saying emphatically that ..."they shouldn't allow aces...it's cheating!"....I wonder what she would say today....what do you think Granny?

Just chillin with the Cops! You go Girl!!!

2010-06-30T14:24:00.000-04:00

So, here's the family (we Gardner's) warning my sister to "get out of Dodge" for the weekend, and avoid all protest areas....and what is she doing?...HANGING OUT WITH THE COPS!!! What a woman...the more things change the more they stay the same...that is soooo true about Angela!!! When we both were kids, we couldn't wait for The Ex in the summer...but for different reasons...I just liked to hang out, do the games, shop etc., but Angela was a serious ride girl. The bigger the better...the scarier they were, the more she wanted to ride them....meanwhile when I was about 8, I screamed so loud, and for sooo long on a "kiddie coaster" that they stopped the whole thing just to get me off!!!! Also, on a family trip across the United States we, of course, stopped at the Grand Canyon, and Angela scared us all to death by going as close to the edge as possible without falling off. I thought my Mother was going to have a heart attack! So it's really no surprise that she attended the edge of "protester place"! It would have been more unusual had she not....but there is one thing that my sister is truly terrified of.....3 Mexican men with violins!!!!! I'll let her explain that one!! Glad you're safe Angela!!

The last flight of Charlie's Angel

2010-06-30T14:06:00.000-04:00

On June 25th, 2009, we lost one of the most beautiful women of our time. We might not have noticed, as her death was overshadowed by that of Michael Jackson's. She was not only very pretty, but she was also very intelligent, not that we knew or admired her for that. As women, we probably either envied her, or tried to emulate her... or both...she was, after all, the "Woman on the wall" of all the boys we knew and loved!!
Big hair was everywhere, and the curling irons and hairspray were "must haves" if you hoped for male attention! We loved Charlie's Angels, and I don't recall Farrah only being there for a year. I remember being disappointed when Farrah left, and it took a while before Cheryl Ladd was more than a second rate replacement for the real angel. If you say "Charlies Angels"....you still think Farrah Fawcett and not Cheryl Ladd...she made the show. But then she seemed to disappear from the limelight, and until the "Burning Bed", she was almost forgotten. Once she burned her abusive husband to death, she was back on top! Anyone who ever had an angry spouse, could relate to her rage!
So it seems strange that this icon could pass on without much recognition of her death. All the networks had their stories prepared....time slots set to deliver her eulogy...stills and video ready to roll...knowing that her time was short. She still had a message for us all. A message about battles, and cancer, and staying the course...powerful stuff...until Michael Jackson shocked the world by dying at an unscheduled time and place, and at an earlier age, with a much sexier story line than anal cancer. Sorry, but sometimes we all make me so mad!
We still remember you Farrah, and remember you fondly, and the most important people in your life were with you when you left...and that's what really counts.

Who Killed the King of Pop?

2010-06-25T23:32:00.002-04:00

Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death, and of course there are all sorts of commentaries about his life, his scandal, his struggles with drug dependency, and mostly his sudden death, that came as such a shock to everyone who ever knew of him and his music. When he died, I must admit that my mind was most focused on the boys who had said that MJ sexually abused them...and some of the boy's, like Macaulay Caulkin(?sp), who said he didn't, but then displayed lots of the characteristics of an abuse survivor. I wondered what they were thinking and feeling. They would likely be ambivalent, and that would be understandable...ambivalence and self loathing are the cardinal signs...but I hope that those around them did, and continue to, support them appropriately as they cope with the revised version of the memories of MJ as they will continue to morph over time.
Today when I was watching the synopsis of his life, suggestions of a conspiracy and his memorial service where they sang "No more cryin now we are going to see the King"...I was a little confused as to whether they were referring to God or to MJ...maybe that was just me...but it reminded me of this song I knew as a child...

"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
"Who saw him die?" "I," said the Fly,
"With my little eye, I saw him die."
"Who caught his blood?" "I," said the Fish,
"With my little dish, I caught his blood."
"Who'll make the shroud?" "I," said the Beetle,
"With my thread and needle, I'll make the shroud."
"Who'll dig his grave?" "I," said the Owl,
"With my pick and shovel, I'll dig his grave."...
All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll for poor Cock Robin. ...( you can fill in your own cast of characters!)

So who killed cock robin ? The King of Pop, died of an overdose of anaesthetic used to treat his insomnia. At least that is what has been summarily reported, but apparently there is some dispute as to his cause of death, and on the eve of the 1st anniversary of his death, lawsuits have been filed by Jackson's father (who Jackson hated!) against the "This is it" corporation, as well as Dr. Conrad Murray who administered the medications to Michael, and was present at MJ's death (although he refused to sign the death certificate, despite the fact that MJ was already dead before he ever left his home)...so did Dr. Murray kill him?....apparently the family has more sinister beliefs than a mere medical error...there are emails where Dr. Murray had requested medical monitors, and a nurse...all of which were not delivered by AEG ... it is the families belief, although not clearly stated, that Mr. Ortega, AEG and all the producers of "This is it" were worried that MJ wasn't coming to rehearsals, and that MJ had explained that he needed Kenny Ortega to "build the house and he would come and paint the door" but AEG weren't buying it. There are conflicts about whether or not MJ was fit enough to perform 50 concerts...the autopsy showing multiple health problems including bronchitis, brain swelling and other health issues that definitely would affect his ability to perform. Just before writing this I watched "This is it "on HBO. Taken from sections of rehearsal tapes, and blended together artfully, you got the flavour of what this show could have been...but it was also pretty obvious to me that he was not in peak performing condition, as he constantly downgraded his level of performance claiming he needed to "save his voice", which was also repeatedly off key or non existent. I think if I had been the CEO of AEG, I would have been worried too! But I fail to see how MJ dead would be more profitable to AEG, than alive. Was there some insurance taken out on Jackson to secure their investment? It's also not clear whether it was MJ that wanted a personal physician, or AEG ... the contract for Dr. Murray's services and conditions there of remained unsigned by Jackson....why?

So my take on this day, after viewing "This Is It"? It is very sad that a man with such talent could be so screwed up...but that fits the bill for our artists, and the perilous journey that most travel to get there. As much as I can't really say I like the man, listening to his music tonight raised my spirits, and started me dancing, singing, and generally enjoying it. His talent is undeniable. What a waste of talent and life.

So "who killed The King" Michael Jackson? Will we ever know the truth about him...his life, and his death? Highly unlikely! But his music will live on, and bring joy to his listeners...and "This is it" would have been one heck of a show!!

Guest Blogger- Bailey the cat ponders on his human

2010-06-24T18:01:00.000-04:00

Guest Blogger- Bailey the cat ponders on his human

I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!! READ AND ENJOY!!!!!

Toronto's SEXY News

2010-06-24T17:49:00.000-04:00

Toronto News gets Sexier! So earlier I made some off the cuff remark about news in the US being "sexier" than here in Canada...well I have been proved wrong as the news begins to report on the prequels to the G8 and G20 summit as seen in the above video link. So Toronto is now swarming with some 5000 Police, and there are metal fences, concrete barricades, and a general sense of pending doom as the city recalls images of the damage caused in previous host cities, and prays that their fate will be different. Along with the usual dignitaries will come a massive assault of protesters...."professional protesters" as my father says...a whole lot of raw emotion...pent up frustration...and probably a bit of "out of country" hey day...after all it's not their own city they'll be trashing! The America is watching all this with great concern...it is certain that any and all bombs or assaults of any kind are specifically designed to harm the President of the United States!...isn't there anyone else in the world worth assassinating...poor man...hasn't he dealt with enough during his term?!! Maybe the Brits will lend us Tony Hayward for a few days, and send him to the summit...or parade him around the streets of Toronto for all the environmentalists to lambaste?...or how about a General McChrystal pie throwing contest...there are endless alternative entertainment possibilities resulting in less pain, and much more fun! I really have no affection for Toronto...I stayed there briefly with my sister and son of 6 months, and it terrified me! The subway tried to swallow us whole, and everything moved 10 times more quickly than is safe for one's sanity (I had just come from Vancouver Island...place for the newly wed and nearly dead...I loved it!)...even walking on the sidewalks with a baby strapped to my chest was appallingly physical...the only thing that kept us alive was the constant performance of CPR on each other provided by the brutal passer's by!! Whew! Anyway just because I don't like TO, doesn't mean I want to see it destroyed...My sister lives there, and I think I'd like to keep her!! KEEP SAFE ANGELA!

Runaway General!!

2010-06-24T10:58:00.001-04:00

The link above contains the Rolling Stone article that will most likely change a man's life forever. It may seem unfair that a career full of achievements could be dashed by a few stray words and sentiments that should have been privately aired among devoted allies rather than spread accross a paper headlining "Runaway General". But, choices are made, and the consequences follow...my reaction to the article...

I am shocked and awed by General McChrystal's most public guffaw, and find it difficult to connect the image of a well decorated, and highly revered General, in charge, and exerting influence over much of the war in the middle east, and all the soldiers who are fighting in it, with this beer (with lime) slewing...locker room sweat talking...bearing your b---s without shame, type of conversation! It defies logic, that this man is both "wise" and an idiot at the same time! Sometimes people can become too "self assured", to the point where they become a hindrance rather than an asset to their cause. That time has come for General MacChrystal, and I will be even more perplexed should President Obama not acknowledge this with a decision to fire McChrystal. The last thing this man needs is any affirmation that he is indispensable. If he were...dead, the war would continue on and someone new would lead it...let's pretend he's dead!....

At time of Posting General Petreus has been chosen to replace General McChrystal, following his "resignation"!!!

I remember why I watch CNN so much...the Americans Politics is rather like a Soap Opera!!! Very sexy and entertaining!! We Canadians are soooo....well....quiet!!

Father's Day

2010-06-20T11:49:00.000-04:00

Well it's Father's Day again, and I have the opportunity to share Dad stories in honor of him ( not that I can't every day but...)! My sister and I are adopted, and I learned recently that in the case of my sister, Mom and Dad were allowed to roam around the babies and "pick" the one they wanted...hence Angela! Unfortunately some 3 years later the protocol had changed and they were no longer allowed to pick, and therefore I was somehow "delivered" into their lives, sight unseen! My sister often jokes that my real name is "Ignazia Bluntz" and my real family is waiting for me in Bolivia!!! The funniest card I've ever received! Also, my Dad had hoped for a boy, but my Mom was worried that she wouldn't know what to do with one of those! In retrospect Mom, I think boys are much easier to raise! So lucky for me, I was picked by someone and delivered into the Gardner home. Also lucky for Dad, I wasn't a "girly girl" which enabled us, a special bond. As small children it was Angela who insisted on changing her outfit 3 and 4 times a day, while I wore other peoples much larger coats, hanging off me, home from school, much to my Mother's frustration! My Dad read books...I read books...he gave me a precious gift that I still have "the Once and Future King",...a prized possession. My Dad loved tennis...and I liked tennis!!! We spent many, many, many hours on the tennis court...Dad with a seemingly endless supply of tennis balls, launching them at me and crying out "swing now"...with no result! But eventually I did hit the ball, and we did play tennis together for many years. I think that Dad had a secret wish that I would become the next Yvonne Goulagong, and we would travel the world winning every Open...but that was not to be! I lacked one critical thing...a competitive nature!! The more critical the game...the more inept I became!!! Sorry Dad!!!
But there was more...Dad loved nature and gardening, and I had a passion for plants and animals. While my sister's dresser was supplied with an array of makeup; ornaments; brushes; and the like...mine was covered with plants, and a large cage containing a dove, that insisted on waking every morning just before dawn!! My bedside lamp was made from a bottle with a goldfish in it, and at this point I was a wiley teenager, staying out late on Saturday nights despite my ongoing 6:00 a.m. tennis games on Sunday. Dad would knock on my door, and deliver my morning tea (can you believe it...how good is that!) and tell me that I had 30 minutes! I'm sure the accumulated alcohol fumes in my room must have reached toxic limits by the time he opened the door...but he never said a word...just "get up"! I don't know how I managed to do it, but we would go out into the icy air and drive off the to indoor courts...not yet warmed. Sometimes |I would make an excuse that I'd left something in the car and go off behind the building and vomit, then return and play. We were playing doubles at the time, with another Father and daughter team. I think Caroline was a bit more competitive than I...but "the Dads'" were insane!!!!As painful as it was at the time, it is a fond memory for me, of special time my Dad set aside just for us.

When I was 17, and wound up pregnant, my Dad was I'm sure mortified...but over the months that ensued both he and Mom settled into a "reality show" numbness. I thought I knew everything, of course, and although nervous about giving birth, and giving my child up for adoption, I was certain I could handle it. My Dad knew better. The night I went into labour, I called him, and said we were going to the hospital (which was about 30 minutes away). My boyfriend promptly fell asleep as my labour progressed out of control. I was only allowed one person with me, and the next thing I knew it was Dad sitting beside me, as I screamed out in pain. The baby was breech, and they couldn't give me anything for pain because they thought they might have to do a C section....at least that's what they told me. As freaked out as I was, I'll never forget the look in his eyes. As a typical teen, I had only thought of my own pain...but there in his eyes I could see that everything I was going through was mirrored in intensity in his face...because he couldn't stop it for me. He recently told me that when he went home he simply cried and cried. I'm sorry I put you through so much. There's so much more to say but most importantly is that My Dad loved me then, and loves me now, and I never once doubted it. I hope you know Dad how much you mean to me, and all those boys I made you!!!! Love you Dad...Happy Father's Day!

Tony Hayward Tells All!!!!!

2010-06-18T13:03:00.000-04:00

The saga of the Gulf Oil Spill continues on, day by painful day, as it will for probably many months or years to comes. We'll get bored as time goes by, and the struggles of the people and the animals will be overtaken by some other tradgedy sure to come. The anger will ebb...the intensity of emotion wane, the focus blurr into obscurity...like Haiti! How is Haiti now? Do we know?...Has the damage from Katrina ever been resolved yet? I don't think so! But that is the reality of our human condition. The tradgedy with the best photojournalist wins! That's a huge responsibility for a camera! Yesterday the camera was on the CEO of BP Mr. Tony Hayward, and the result really was no surprise. If Congress was looking for a "Tell All" they should've called on Kathy Giffin, since they got nothing out of Mr. Hayward.

Are We Done Yet?

As the CEO of BP, you would imagine that he would be a man of wisdom...but it seemed obvious yesterday that knowledge of his company's activity is not required!

Mr. Hayward was shameless in his repetative acknowledgements that...He knows nothing; He heard nothing; He saw nothing; He said nothing!

His affect was clear in conveying his absolute arrogance and distaste at being called to answer questions that he had no intention of answering.

He has a gift of being able to remain absolutely still, with facial features frozen in a sneer, and blinking only occaisionally while staring at his interrogators. I would liken him to an oversized Iguana, but even they stick their tongues out occasionally...something I'm certain was in Hayward's mind to do...but resisted on the basis of expended energy rather than good breeding!It was a farce of the grandest proportion...but in his defense (not that there is one) it occurred to me when the senators stated that BP had the highest record of safety violations...upwards of 700 as compared to BP's competitors who had 1 or 2 in the same time frame...why did the US Government give BP permission to drill a worm hole let alone a deepest of deep oil well?...Hmmmmmm

Death be not Proud

2010-06-14T20:25:00.000-04:00

A year has passed...it is the anniversary of Neda's tragic death during protests in Iran, and the beginning of my blogging journey. Man I was really reved up, a torrent of thoughts racing around in my head, and nowhere to put them...couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, couldn't be still...and that was with the lithium!!!! Being high is kinda crazy, but it comes on slowly so that you don't really notice until your sleep deprived!! Checking out my blog entries it's only been twice this year that I've been flying, and no super sads, so that's really good for me. Flying can be fun if there's control (lithium) to keep from skyrocketing up into space, or spending tons of money you don't have!! It's the "super sads" that are extremely dangerous and had become increasingly severe, to the point that when entering the pit there was definitely doubt as to whether or not I'd be making a return trip. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, who has had someone they love kill themselves, but I want you to know that when you're that ill, it's not about any specific thing anymore...it's just about the fight, and not having the strength to do it anymore...the struggle is inside, and it takes allot of strength to reach outside of yourself and go through the process of getting help...for some people, sometimes that's just more work than they have in them. I've heard people say "I should have known...I should have done something"... but we can be masters of deception...most of us have been playing this game for the larger part of our lives and know how to make it through a Church service, dinner, or brief chat on the corner. It's not your fault.

Anyway, back to the anniversary thing. Neda died a year ago in the riots in Iran, and the video of her death... so short... so brutal, is forever the emblem of that uprising. She was there, and in the blink of an eye she was gone...her life's blood literally flowing out of her. We didn't know anything about her...nothing...and in the moment that she died she became like a lost sister, or daughter or friend whom we all had lost. The whole world mourned her, so touched by the seconds of video off a camera phone. Life is uncertain.

Arkansas Flash Flood Disaster

2010-06-12T17:24:00.000-04:00

I have made an error! My last post stated that there were 20 victims of yesterday's flash flood, but that number is reduced to 16, then up to 18 today. I wonder if they will ever really know how many people have perished, since there were either few records, or the records were washed away in the flood. The article (linked to title) speaks of an 18 wheeler being wrapped around a tree...roads chewed up and spat out...and families tying themselves to trees. It is eerie that after more than a day, they have only found 80 people out of the possible 300 who could have been there that night. Where on earth are they all? When man made disasters occur, it's easier to direct your emotion to the cause, as with BP and the oil spill. But when it's a natural disaster you're really only left with the pain, and no answers as to why. Lots of "what if 's" and "if only's", and a renewed urgency for people to have weather alert monitors...but in the valley I wonder if radio signals would have reached them. It's times like these when it would be awesome to have a "hot line" to God for reassurance that these children didn't suffer, that somehow they were scooped up into His mighty hands, before the agony and terror began. I understand that He gave us choices, and that our free will, and the collective world's free will, all have consequences, but I find it hard to get the image of small children, caught in their tents, being washed away, and perhaps torn from their parents arms. Perhaps there are people, young and old, who are out there in the wilderness, waiting for someone to reach out and cradle them in their arms. I have a vivid imagination, and that can sometimes be a burden!!! This makes me very sad for all those families.

Albert Pike Flash Flood Disaster

2010-06-11T19:17:00.002-04:00

This morning, at about 5:00 a.mm., a flash flood devastated a campground at Albert Pike, Arkansas, and has killed at least 20 people. The following video is a family vacation flick taken in 2009...hopefully these girls weren't camping by the stream this morning. What a beautiful, picturesque place, and what a fateful end to a beautiful day. There could have been as many as 300 people camping there, and there is no record to ascertain who they could or should be looking for. Trees were uprooted, trailers swept down stream, cabins destroyed....and children....many children, enjoying "family" time. My heart is so sad for all who have been, and will be, affected. You just never know what the day ...or night...will bring.

When U step in it... and it stinks... u know it's BP (Bull Poop)

2010-06-08T18:47:00.002-04:00

OIL SPILL - WEEK 7

What would you call someone who hides truth; manipulates facts when they are produced; blatantly misrepresents consequences; and attempts to alter access to news which shares negative details of themselves and their organization?...

LIARS...LIARS... LIARS...

Why does it seem so difficult to speak the truth and call a spade a spade....Tony Hayward and Doug Suttles have Doctorates in deception...they have taken the art of "keeping a straight face" to new levels of accomplishment. This achievement is not only reprehensible, but also absurd. Do they really think that they can just "speak garbage" and it will become truth...that we are so very, very stupid, that we can't understand that when the President of the U.S. flies down to the beach, and BP drops 300 "gag ordered Molly Maids" on the site an hour before his arrival, and whisks them away just after he's gone, that they are mocking all of our sensibilities?

That when they say that "respiratory protection is not required" for Joe and Jenny who are cleaning up the marshland... and then spray water all over the immediate spill site to reduce "dangerous vapours" (according to Admiral Thad Allen)...well which is it...dangerous or not? When Joe and Jenny get sick, BP says it's food poisoning...now that the ink is dry on all those waivers they had them sign! Who needs a mask anyway right?!

Now they tell us that the Top Kill has been successful, and is capturing lots of oil...but when they are forced to provide access to high def video (that they've had all along) when the American Government scientists examine it they discover that in great contrast to what BP says...it is actually spewing more oil now than it was before!!!

Finally today Obama is starting to get tougher by indicating something to the effect that he wants to know

"whose ass to kick"...

how can he not know whose ass to kick?!!

As if a final parting joke, BP has purchased the search words "Oil Spill" from Google and Yahoo... because they think we are all too stupid to look past their propaganda and pick a REAL news provider!

The ONLY way this thing is going to be addressed honestly and openly is by removing BP executives from the equation. BP is not the only giant on the planet that can handle this situation...but have them pay the bill for the best minds in the industry to "save the day", as much as it can be saved, without all the ulterior motives and corrupt activities. Just get it done.

The Grande Manipulation

2010-06-07T10:10:00.001-04:00

From the film "Doubt"...Father O'Rourke gives a sermon following being accused of molesting a schoolboy by Sister Aloyicious....

A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O' Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. 'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that God All Mighty's hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?' 'Yes,' Father O' Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.' So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 'Not so fast,' says O' Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.' So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. 'Did you cut the pillow with a knife?' he says. 'Yes, Father.' 'And what were the results?' 'Feathers,' she said. 'Feathers?' he repeated. 'Feathers; everywhere, Father.' 'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,' 'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.' 'And that,' said Father O' Rourke, 'is gossip!'

...AND THAT is the most powerful weapon of the molestor...to manipulate those who are victimized, and those who are calling them to account. At the end of this film, which you should see if you haven't already, Sister Alyoicious says to Sister James that "I have doubts". Most would assume that her doubts are concerning Father O'Rourke's guilt...but that's not what she doubts...she doubts that the Organized Religion that she has pledged her life to is nothing more than a sham...not the "God First", faith and truth filled vision she signed up for...she doubts a Church that would reward a man who is suspected of at least "grooming" a young boy, by placing him into a more powerful position than the one he held, in order to move him out of the watchful eye of the Sister, who may not have direct evidence, but has her God given instinct ,which we are taught to ignore, in favour of a CSI investigation! If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...it's a duck. Unfortunately it's easier to exclude a duck from your house than a person! This is also what predators do. They presnt themselves in a friendly manner, with an affect of golden charms and then the battle is on to see how far they can push the limit, until you call them out on your suspicions. The circumstances are skillfully played so that there will always be a question of guilt or complicity...they count on that to hold you at bay...because, it seems, in our world, the slimy perpetration of seduction is not punished by law...It is not enough...never enough. As Jesus said ...

(Mark 9.42-48; Luke 17.1,2

It will be terrible for people who cause even one of my little followers to sin. Those people would be better off thrown into the deepest part of the ocean with a heavy stone tied around their necks!

....and I would dearly love to be there to hang the rock!
I know that sounds really harsh, but it is so hard to be in a world that generally sets such low standards, and yet truth is a dirty word.

When U can't do anything....just LAUGH!

2010-06-03T09:57:00.001-04:00

First things first...Hey Tamara...Thank You for dropping in...hope you'll come again and share some of your own most entertaining moments!! Sorry it took so long for me to follow up, but the explanation follows...
Well, as it turns out, maybe I was a little premature in my announcement of return to brain activity!!!! I spent a great deal of time in bed...but not able to sleep. Matthew has also not been able to sleep so the days have been long, and I have sometimes been irritable, which I try very hard not to be. The state of our house inside, was driving be beyond frustrated, and I have been trying to catch up, with what energy I currently possess, and keep on top of Matt's vast trail of garbage, plates, wrappers, clothes...well you get the picture. So I had been doing quite well (I thought) and had even taken the kids to Youth in Brockville and doing some shopping (although limited because I started the process on empty!). I decided that I would repeat the process this Wednesday (youth group is 6 - 9). I dropped of the kids, and went on to do my shopping. An hour or so later, walking on aching feet with a throbbing face and head, I unloaded my purchases, and waited at the far end , loading the bags painfully back in the cart while wondering if I had any pain meds with me, as I've still got to unload them into the car, pick up the kids, unload kids and groceries at the other end, and put it all away!!! With this in mind, I congratulate myself that I have achieved so much on this day, and that I should be proud! You know what they say about pride?......It comes after the fall....
As I look for the pain pills that I do have, I find that what I don't have is...MY WALLET!
Enough said! Who else has done this?.....now come on....be honest!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!

Washington Post reveals duplicity of Environmental Agency

2010-05-25T11:18:00.001-04:00

The article from the Washington Post as contained in the title link, demonstrates clearly what we all have surmised about regulators of the oil drilling industry...the Minerals Management Service...there is no regulation...only cash bonuses! So are we surprised that skirting damning reports from environmental specialists in favour of pushing oil projects through approval process as quickly as possible in order to make the most money, may be a common practise? We certainly shouldn't be...but then what does this mean with respect to our angst against BP? In my opinion a great deal! I don't know why this isn't all the"buzz", since it most definitely shifts more blame onto the US government than is currently being relayed. You would...or at least I would, "expect" the oil industry to be opportunistic in it's approach to disaster preplanning, but the government agency responsible for processing and approving projects should be expected to be ensuring the best advocacy for all of the American people's, and indeed the western hemisphere's, environmental safety...that is after all, their job...what pays their bills...that ensures their well being! According to the Washington Post article, documents have shown that they have been corrupt in their handling of previous drilling projects, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the huge lapse of judgement and preparation that has resulted in the largest oil disaster in history, that today continues to spew oil, 36 days after the original explosion. Heads should roll, and not just at BP, but most definitely at the MMS, or the EPA or the BFO |(bucks for oil!) or any other government agency tasked with the responsibility of securing the safety of these oil projects...a responsibility that they have chosen to set aside in the name of business, and probable personal gain. Their "flow" of income should be "shut off" just as assuredly as this well needs to be shut off. But I don't hear the noise?...I don't understand why, in a nation so entrenched with gossipy headlines and torrid political romances, we are not calling these people and agencies to account. I don't care about Lindsay Lohan...what about this corruption?
Come on CNN...where's the story?

Climbing out of the Fibro Funk

2010-05-19T10:35:00.000-04:00

The old brain waves are starting to rise in frequency, and it's not so quiet up there in my head! Yesterday I managed to walk the dogs, do laundry, make my bed, chased down some bullies who were harassing Matt,coloured my hair and fed Matt while watching a movie!!!! That may sound like a pretty lame day to you, but for me it's bloody amazing!!It only took 2 1/2weeks in bed to get back to this point! I'm not so sure that I should blame the Fibro for all the fatigue since there is a definite connection between the extreme fatigue and the brain wipe out. It's really strange when you have to actively work in order to think something through. When I'm in this state I quite literally have difficulty understanding conversations because my brain just refuses to process the information at regular speed. I wonder if it's the Bi Polar 2 disorder, and that I'm kind of crashing but the Lithium keeps me out of the abyss? Does that sound feasible? I still get high sometimes too, but not as high as I did before the drugs...my mind races, I can't sleep, and I try to do way more than I should physically, but what I hadn't pain attention to was the noise in my head. If I scan through this blog I can see when I've crashed and when I've been "Up There". May be there's something we could do about it, since it kinda sucks to have to sleep for 2 weeks in order to get a couple of good days.....Oh but my goodness....how goo those good days are!!!! Gotta go....I'm trying to "pimp" my blog to insert things called meta tags and other stuff...I haven't a clue what I'm doing so if I all of a sudden fall off the face of cyberspace I probably just inserted the wrong html code into the wrong XML space!!!! If anyone out there knows this stuff please let me know!!!TTFN!

The Leak Goes on... the leak goes on...

2010-05-17T10:28:00.000-04:00

So the "Beat goes on" and the Leak goes on....the "buck passing" continues, and the numbers change...yet again...as to how much oil is actually floating around in the ocean...the pictures of red oil plumes streaking on top, and now we understand it is confirmed that these plumes exist below the water surface...(told ya!)...and the "Who Bot" failed!!! Surprise surprise! Interestingly enough there are very few pictures of wildlife being rescued from the oily grip...not sure if it's because thery are presently lacking in oil injured wildlife, or if there is a reluctance of the media to capture and show this video. They have apparently managed to insert a smaller tube inside the larger one, and they are hoping that they are collecting at least a percentage of the escaping oil. My question....If they can get a tube inside the larger shaft, why not perform an angioplasty of sorts and insert an extremely highly pressurized balloon into the smaller tube, and rapidly inflate it to completely close off the entire larger pipe? Obviously, like my angioplasty, it's not a permanent solution but I think it sounds more feasable than golf balls and dirt! It would also be easy to inflate....just line up all the Head Honcho's from BP; Transocean; and Deep water Horizon, and get them to blow...hard!!! We know they can do it...and they're so full of hot air that no ice particles would form as in the Who Bot! But maybe we should wait until after they've tried the golf balls and dirt...then send them in...after all it was probably too many golf balls and dirt that distracted them from pursuing a safe and secure venture in the first place...that and of course MONEY! What par are they on now?

Mother's Minute

2010-05-13T13:16:00.000-04:00

Wow...I'm so excited...Kathy has signed up for my RSS feeds...that's a real compliment and I so appreciate it...I just hope I have RSS feeds!! Kathy, please tell me if I don't?!!
Well that really cheered me up! It's been a few days since I've put finger to keypad, and the lapse has been frustrating, but my brain is one "flatline" right now, and it's all very quiet in my brain. I have sketched out my thoughts on "Mother's Day" but I can't go there emotionally right now. Being on the cusp of "quiet" has only 2 options for escape. I have avoided slipping towards the abyss for longer than I ever have managed to in recent memory, and I think that the best I can do right now is acknowledge that Mother's Day for me is both wonderful and tragic at the same time. It has, in it's reflection, the power to, make me laugh; shout with joy; praise God for the depth of love that is incomparable to anything else; but also the power to revisit the loss of relationship; a life acknowledged only within the exquisite intimacy of being cradled in your own life...then torn from it; the aching hole that is never filled. I'll do better than this when the "brain line" starts jumping again!

Gulf Oil Spill counts on a "Who Bot!"

2010-05-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

This Gulf oil spill is just another disgusting demonstration of man's "love of money" which totally overrides responsibility. Their creed is...Let us not do the best that we can do to avoid disaster...No...we'll do only as much as is required by law and pocket the money that we've saved on safety for our greedy selves!...because oil companies don't make enough money anyway!!!!!
British Petroleum says it's the owner of the oil rig's problem...the owner of the oil rig says they weren't required to meet the safety standards in the Gulf, like they are in other countries who seem to be more diligent in securing safety mechanisms like "automatic shut off valves" instead of manual ones...Not to diminish the loss of life in this disastrous mess...but who in their right mind would be running for a "shut off" switch when the very floor they are standing on is being blown sky high??? Come on now!! A "shut off valve" seems like a no brainer on an oil rig right?? The President of the United States seems to be bypassing the whole issue of "Why?" the expectations of BP were so substandard, and why there was no environmental impact study done...and why there was no preplaning in the event of such a disaster?? It just gets shuffled back to BP and the blame game starts all over again, which I'm sure it will continue to do for some time. Now they're bringing in the Tower of Power, that looks like something Dr Who would fly about in, and I really have my doubts as to whether or not it's going to make a difference unless they have the other leaks completely sealed off first! Any pressure that builds up in the "Who Bot" is going to force oil out from the place of least resistance...the open leak...am I correct?

So far we haven't seen the environmental destruction in the form of oil soaked otters, birds etc. that we saw so quickly in the Valdez incident, but that's not because it isn't happening, it's because this oil is killing it's first victims in the depths (sea turtles, dolphins) where we have yet to see them. It's only a moment in time before more than the oil starts washing up on the shore. God help us...13 other countries have offered the US assistance in the clean up of this mess but so far The United States of America, is "still considering" what they need help with!! They still haven't cleaned up after Katrina yet, Tennessee is now underwater, and the biggest oil disaster in history is knocking on their door and they have to "consider" whether they need help!!!! "Pride comes before the fall"!!!

Brain Banners

2010-05-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

I've had another couple of bad days, and I'm looking out of the window at sunshine and lilac blooms but I just don't have the energy to get up. Yuck! But even though my body is drained and pained my mind (although encased by a throbbing brain) is flitting here and there so I'm trying to type a little blog so that I will have accomplished at least one thing today! When my mind is "flitting" it darts back and forth, and my thoughts are in pictures...this can be both interesting and disturbing at the same time! For instance (sorry anon) I always love to read the sliding banner on bottom of the screen on CNN (yes I said it...I watched CNN!) you know the one...it slides by with tidbits of intriguing information that make me think "yes... I want to know about that" and then I'll either google it, or wait for the inevitable segment to come on. So this afternoon I'm catching up on what that "Bumbling" terrorist is up to, (but that's a whole other story) the oil spill in the Gulf, and the riots in Greece, when across the banner streams this little gem...
...Man stabs 28 pigs...Man stabs 28 pigs...okay!... So I'm sure that was as startling a revelation to you as it was to me, and my mind began conjuring up all sorts of images of how a man could stab 28 pigs. Did he corral them somewhere or did they line up? I mean...that's a whole lot of pigs in my mind...but then all kids of questions began rolling around in my brain and then, naturally, scrolled under the images of the man and the pigs...things like...where did he get 28 pigs?...why does he hate the pigs?...Is he on any psychotropic medications?...should he BE on any psychotropic medications!?! So while all this brain activity is going on another banner streams by...Man stabs 29 pigs...man stabs 29 pigs!!!!! Say What??!!!
What is going on?? All my little brain synapses are in a twirl trying to get around this information! What must be concluded by this update?...They did a recount and updated the info ...or...the film crew is still filming this dude and he's up to 29 now...(it is CNN after all...they like that last breath stuff)...and now I can't change the channel because I'm not sure...maybe he's going for 30?!! Oh my...I've got to get over this tidbit story and move my brain on...but all that's following is this ridiculous segment about the "questionnaire" that people complete to become a naturalized citizen in the USA, and Rick Sanchez is upset that several questions in it concern whether or not you have ever been in a communist party...the Nazi Party...etc. and only...ONLY one question about whether or not you have been involved with a terrorist party!!!! It seems that the suggestions is, if there were more questions about terrorist activity and less about Nazi ism, this guy, and many others would have been caught sooner!!!
Okay answers to questions...No...No...and again...No! I really don't understand the thought processes here, and why they require any time at all!!!! What?...is there a terrorist code of ethics..??..
Thou shalt blow up all people with white skin but...
You shalt not lie!

I need a nap!
....

Why it's my sister's fault that I write!!

2010-05-03T23:56:00.000-04:00

One of my favourite memories of England was our Saturday ritual which included getting a shiny little sixpence which held the promise of all sorts of wonderful things to come. As a child, the pondering is a large part of the joy, whereas for the adult in supervision, the pondering is akin to Japanese water torture! That little sixpence could buy a bounty of wonderful sweets, some of my favourites being Sherbet Fountains and white chocolate mice... flying saucers filled with a sweet powdery substance and all sorts of other wonders which were both magical to behold, and delicious to taste! By the time our choosing was done, we were popped into the car ( a little yellow Rover 2000) and whisked home to devour our treats. I tended to relish the moment, and in all ways actually I was slower than Angela! Slower dressing, slower cleaning up my bedroom, slower moving...well you get my point!! That being understood it stands to reason that my sister's sweets were consumed and indeed gone before I had finished playing with my white chocolate mouse. There I would be in my room, with my sweets laid out on my unmade bed, and there would be a little tap on my door...knock, knock, knock..."come in" I would say, except in a British accent of course...and Angela would come in, all bright eyed and a smile as sweet as the candy she was eyeing on my bed! "Lets play a game" she would suggest..."what game" I would ask foolishly..."You are the rich Princess and I am the little starving pauper."..."alright", I say (why I don't know)..."Oh you beautiful and kind Princess, I am starving to death...would you please give me some food to eat?"...."Of course" I would reply..."What would you like?"... Well it turned out that she basically "liked" everything I had, and for strange reasons known only to God Himself I would feed my Pauper/Sister over and over again most Saturday mornings!!!! It never really occurred to me to say "No" or to eat my sweets more quickly, but it did bring about a change in me. The sweet shop was in a row of shops, which also included a bakery (I got lost once and ended up at the bakery where they gave me a doily while I cried!!!) and a stationary shop among others. One Saturday I paused outside the window of the stationary store and was filled with a warm excited feeling. I asked to go in, and there found beautiful pens and pencils, pretty paper books in all sorts of colours, notebooks with pretty pictures on them with matching equally pretty envelopes. I was in love with stationary !!!

From then on , well almost from then on, I bought stationary instead of sweets, and little plastic tea sets that I could play "tea party" with my dolls, but no sweets to serve them!!! My life was forever changed, and I still love stationary, even if I'm terrible at writing letters! So Thanks Angela... all this writing came from you and as a direct result of your very convincing "Pauper" role!!!

Senator Romeo Dallaire pleased with Gov. General's comments

2010-05-03T09:40:00.002-04:00

Well done Gov. Gen. Michaelle Jean, who made a statement while in Kigali, Rwanda, offering an apology for the world who took so long to respond to the Rwandan Genocide; Of course this has started bickering about responsibility, whose was it, all over again, the same cowardice that did, and will continue to, prevent countries from doing what needs to be done to help their fellow man, no matter what their skin colour, religion, and whether their homeland sits on top of oil, diamonds, or just plain old dirt. Why are we so hesitant to claim our fair share of responsibility for this human disaster? I would guess it's the same reason why so many countries fail to acknowledge wrongdoing....it' all about ...Money! The love of money being the root of all evil, is the main reason why acknowledgement is avoided...if you accept responsibility you are on the hook for a lawsuit and we don't like being separated from our money! See the following article...I like our Govenor General more and more!...Oh and to my "irritated" commentor...this is Canadian...how's that for a quick response?!
Traumatized ex-general Dallaire welcomes GG's Rwanda genocide apology
Source: The Canadian Press

Posted: 04/22/10 5:22PM AOL News

Filed Under: Canada

OTTAWA - "Senator Romeo Dallaire is welcoming Gov. Gen. Michaelle Jean's apology for the world's failure to respond to the Rwandan genocide - a tragedy the retired general tried and failed to prevent.

Dallaire said Jean's comments in Kigali on Wednesday were a great gesture. He said suggestions that her words were not a formal apology, but simply a restatement of Canada's recognition that the international community failed the Rwandan people, are a quibble over semantics.

The Governor General's officials described her message as an apology and said it had been cleared with the government. But the Prime Minister's Office later insisted that Jean wasn't delivering a formal apology.

"That's irrelevant to me," Dallaire said Thursday. "And I say that as the former force commander on the ground with bodies up to my neck, screaming for support."

Dallaire led the ill-fated United Nations mission that was helpless to stop the rampage that slaughtered up to 800,000 people in Rwanda in 1994. He was tormented by post-traumatic stress syndrome for years after his return from the central African country.

Dallaire said Jean's comments are very welcome, not just for him, but for the handful of other Canadians who served there and the transport crews who risked their lives to fly in supplies.

"My head of state, who was there, who's the commander-in-chief of our Forces and has articulated those statements there, I think that's a great source of personal relief to the 11 officers who were with me - 12, in fact, one of them committed suicide - and myself and to all the Hercules staff who flew in under fire to keep us going."

He called it "a very positive recognition to them and to their families."

Jean, who is on an African visit, toured a genocide museum in Kigali on Wednesday. The exhibits include one which pays tribute to Dallaire's vain efforts to stop the catastrophe.

She noted that Parliament has passed resolutions of regret.

"In 2008, Canada, with a government motion reiterated that this genocide was made possible by the indifference and inaction of the international community," she told Rwandans.

"The world's failure to respond adequately to the genocide is a failure in which Canada, as part of the international community, readily acknowledges its fair share of responsibility."

Dallaire was given command of a UN force in Rwanda in 1993, made up of soldiers from Belgium, Ghana, Pakistan, Tunisia and Bangladesh and a small staff of Canadians. They were to supervise a recently signed peace agreement between the Hutu government and Tutsi rebels.

Early in 1994, he saw signs that weapons were being stockpiled and violence planned, but he was refused permission for a pre-emptive strike. He and his men were essentially abandoned as the country sank into internecine bloodshed.

Dallaire remains bitter about the countries he feels let him down in Rwanda. The Belgians pulled out their paratroopers after 10 were ambushed and massacred. The United States - leery after its ill-fated intervention in Somalia the year before - wasn't ready to go back to another collapsing African state.

"When we were screaming for people to come and to stop this genocide, over months, governments deliberately decided not to provide resources to the UN to stop it," he said.

Dallaire said he believes the world backed off because Rwanda lacked strategic resources or position.

"It had no strategic value as a geography and as such, the only thing that was there were human beings. As one country told me to my face: 'The only thing that's here is human beings and there is too many of them anyway'."

One of his former colleagues, however, said Canada couldn't have done much to stop what was going on.

Lew MacKenzie, a retired general who gained fame for his peacekeeping work in the former Yugoslavia, told CTV that the Governor General's comments shouldn't be seen as an admission that Canada failed

"It sounded like she was suggesting that Canada could have done more and reacted more quickly and that's just not the case," he said. "Canada has nothing to apologize (for) as an individual nation."

At the time, the Canadian Forces was struggling with budget cuts and reeling from the repercussions from the ill-starred Somalia mission of 1993. The military would have been hard-pressed to scrape up more than a token force for Rwanda and would have had even greater difficulties keeping such a force supported and supplied. "
Shake Hands with the Devil

....ality?

2010-04-30T14:22:00.001-04:00

I'm the last person to talk about accurate spelling...grammar...sentence structure....and as you see I usually utilize ... in the place of whatever proper grammatical structure should exist. |I once had an employer who literally drove me round the bend by nit picking every grammatical error in my 9 - 10 page reports and especially the use of "However" which I can no longer remember...I was just staring a new job which required lengthy assessments, containing the results of certain tests and how they related to each other etc. I was concerned that my assessments be accurate and "diagnostically" correct, however (!) this gentleman spent hours pouring over the documents i had spent hours writing (sometimes until the wee hours of the morning) and he returned them covered in highlighter, with comments like ..."please leave your mystery writing skills for your spare time unless you wish to save on daycare costs and spend more time with your son!" This because I left out the middle initial of a Physician in the first sentence, and you had to wait until you turned the page to find it in it's entirety on the second. This went on and on, and I repeatedly asked him if the "content" of my reports were satisfactory which he smilingly stated they certainly were. After 3 months of this, as the commenting and highlighting continued I finally broke down and quit! I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, that's not what's getting me going now!!!!
I am watching CNN (it's not Rick Sanchez show yet...I have to turn it off when he's on!) and they are talking about the oil slick approaching the coast, and the mystery surrounding why the automatic "off" thing didn't drop down. The journalist began to talk about the potentiality of this disaster...I'll say it again...the potentiality of the disaster. Every sore muscle in my body tensed and I lunged for the remote control to mute the dreaded words...Potentiality ?...Come on people...it's not a word..something either has the potential to damage or it doesn't have the potential...there's no 'ality required...I don't understand the current trend to add "ality" to everything...like...Functionality? It's either functional or it's not functional...or maybe it's functioning is going to change...leave the words alone people! Those words and all the other poor words that you now seem to feel need the benefit of "ality" on the end to work, were really just FINE before you messed with them! In fact people with normal brains have been using those words without "ality" for hundreds and hundreds of years...you're shortening every other word in the universe but these words....these words your have to slaughter...you have to force them now to drag around those extra three letters wherever they go! It's wrong people....Really Wrong!!!!................ okay...I'm better now!

The desecration of beauty/ Tiger Woods meets William Blake

2010-04-29T13:05:00.001-04:00

I have to say I am sick and tired of male public figures standing in front of microphones making declarations of infidelity to their wives, and sharing way too much information with an air of finality that casually dismisses the depth and breadth of the damage they have done to their families. I want to slap them silly!!!! but of course I couldn't and wouldn't do that so I will preface the following stanza's with an apology of my own...
to William Blake...sorry William but I had to do it!

Tiger Tiger burning bright
In the driveway late at night
What mortal sin or roving eye
Could cause that model's fearful cry

In what local rooms or bars
Did your "illness" make it's scars
On what Sponsor's cards did you
Consume so much, but tell so few

And on what shoulders, from what ear
Could your lies find solace here?
Do you think us all so weak
That we will swoon when 'er you speak?

What the handcuffs? What the chain?
"In what furnace was your brain?"
What the love? What the trust?
You sacrificed it all for lust

Tiger Tiger burning bright
on the stage with glaring light
Will your humbled words be true?
Or will this poison follow you?

My advice ...Hope for healing....watch for truth!

Tiger Tiger by William Blake

Renovating your Blog should never be approached lightly!

2010-04-27T22:25:00.000-04:00

Sorry Angela...I can't seem to get my sidebar back on that other template, iteeps migrating down to the bottom of the page and although I have pleaded for Blogger help so far I'm up to my eyeballs in xml code and widgets that don't work and I desperately need my sidebar. I promise not to plaster CNN links all over though!!!!! Deal? Since you are my main reader and advocate I think I'll write about you next!!!!! Keep reading!

Confessions of a "dead beat" sponsor

2010-04-27T14:13:00.000-04:00

I tell everyone I can that they should sponsor a child. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, there really is no good reason not to do it...and if everyone in the "developed" world (interesting term that isn't it) sponsored a third world child and thereby a community, just think of the impact that we would have on the world!!!!It would be so HUGE that everything....everything would be forever transformed. How exciting to be a part of that! We sponsor a young woman, and a little boy, the boys have been 3 in succession, but the girl has been a constant in my life for about 9 years now. When I first had the privilege to sponsor Ncube in Lusaka, Zambia, she was just a wee little girl, all shy, but smiley in her picture. She has a large family and had lost her brother to sickness. I would write to her often, send her fun little things and I once asked her what her name meant and she told me..."why are we dying". It was as casual as anything in her letter, no drama, nothing pathetic about it. I found out that in impoverished areas in Africa, most children don't live past the age of 5 years. She had just beaten the odds, and we took great pleasure in watching her grow, and seeing her drawings, and reading her letters.
Then I became ill, and my letters became fewer. It was because I just couldn't physically pull it together, and emotionally I was a wreck to the deepest degree. I felt incapable of being authentic with her, and also very guilty about even being in a struggle considering the monumental struggle that is her life...I just couldn't say anything...and so I stopped. It's so sad, her letters became fewer, her pictures smaller, no smile in her last photo. She's a woman now! A beautiful young woman, and sometimes I think that I could explain it all to her now. Most of all I'd love to tell her that it is she who has most inspired me whenever I've felt so low that I don't want to get out of bed or even go on. That her strength, her courage and her faith have truly impacted my life. It's interesting how God works though isn't it...I thought I was helping her!!!

Good Day

2010-04-27T00:03:00.003-04:00

I had the best day that I've had in such a long time that I won't even hazard a guess...lets just say way in the past, back even before I can't remember anything, but more recent than what I remember about the past!!!Anyone who has difficulty with memory will understand what I just said...and as for the rest of you...don't laugh too loudly because it's going to come to a theatre near you before you blink!!!! I woke up with minimal pain, and got Matt off to school with no problems, then showered (which is work for me and usually wears me out) and headed into town for an appointment. The day was sunny with just enough breeze to keep the black flies at bay, and I had already decided that after I picked up some groceries (you heard right...I'm on a roll) I would take the dogs out back through the woods. On the way home though, I put in my Hall and Oates CD and found myself volume blasting, singing at the top of my lungs, laying down the beat on the steering wheel, and waving my arms up in the air through the sunroof (when safe of course). I reached Athens way too soon, and being the small village that it is I didn't feel that it would be entirely appropriate for me to continue this behaviour all the way home so...I didn't go home!!! I drove down to the lake and through some back dirt lanes until my vocal chords were straining, and my ability to hold a note longer that 3 seconds had failed. So I went home and took out the boys. Well they were ecstatic since I'd spent almost a week in bed, and off we went, peeing on every blade of grass and tree root for the first 15 minutes and then "the run" begins. Of course I start to get sore, but you have to see Dudley's face as he tears off, his long thin body on those short little legs, and he's smiling....I'm totally serious, he smiles! You can't beat that! We go through a wooded trail, then out into a wetland, where the turtles scurry back off their tanning beds as we pass, and the beaver slaps it's tail in annoyance at out trespass! Then there an apple orchard, which in a few weeks will be the most glorious place to be...I could sit out there for hours. All of a sudden as we came past the old railroad tracks there was a flurry in the wind of pale petal like flutterings, and it caught me by surprise as I scanned around for the source. A bush, a small tree....no...the petals were flying not floating, and sure enough the closer I got, and the more central I became inside the flurry I realized that they were tiny "common blue" butterflies! Hundreds and hundreds of them!!Then Mourning Cloaks flew by, and a black swallowtail and a part of me flashed back to being 10 years old with my Rose's Lime Cordial, a net, and some killing jars, riding my "no speed" bike with the jars rattling in the basket, on my way to pick up Jane Thurley for our daily butterfly hunt!! I learned allot from those summers by the railroad tracks, back in the days when you could be a kid and ride around until the lights came on without a care! So what a day...I'm feeling it a bit tonight but I don't care..after Matt went to sleep I was watching "Whale Wars" and one of the guys in passing mentioned a quote as follows...

Below 50 degrees south, there is no law.
Below 60 degrees south, there is no hope.
Below 70 degrees south, there is no God

While I was trying to find the quote I stumbled on a blog by a young man who is basically travelling the world by foot, by rail, by plane (he flies) and by boat (to the Antarctica!!!) He has some amazing photographs, and one in particular of an iceberg. I was trying to imagine what it must have felt like to stand there and be surrounded by such incredible beauty!!! It made me happy for him...glad that there are people who are living large...my "living large" is different now, but I am truly blessed. I put in a link to his site if you want to check it out.A Passage to...

Changes

2010-04-25T21:57:00.000-04:00

As you see I have made some changes to the blog, and now I have changed them back!! It will take me some time to get all the gadgets floating in the right spots and the right distance apart so be patient with me as you know I'm no techy!!! This will be fun! Let me know if you prefer this simpler version or not. Thanks

Doting on Dickens

2010-04-25T10:52:00.000-04:00

You may not know this, but people with "Fibromyalgia" suffer from something call "Fibro Fog", which sounds quite nice, and fluffy...like being on a cloud for a mini vacation, or wandering around in those brightly lite tunnels towards the shiny star of death...but it's not at all like that!...I would describe it as having a white hood put over your head and being asked to negotiate walking on the edge of the Great Wall of China, while sysimultaneously being asked to solve math equations every 5 seconds and quote Shakespeare every 5th step throughout this ordeal. Since I may not know you, this could be a completely the easiest thing in the world for you to do, and therefore I congratulate you forthwith and relay this as my ineptitude alone! If there are any other readers who might find the above activity a bit taxing, well I tell you in all honesty that when I am in a so called "fibro fog" I try not to leave the house, as it can be dangerous and humiliating. I try to stick to the humiliating because people say that "laughter" is the best medicine, and sharing laughter can be contagious and therefore good for everyone. Of course this requires a certain reckless abandon, and knowing that a trip to one of my village stores has the potential to become "the joke of the week" and I don't mind that. My girls at Swan's and Lainee's take extremely good care of me, and help to guide me through the muddle which is my brain on fog. They help me with my keys (where are they) my purchases (you got milk yesterday!) my change ( come and get your cash back)...If it weren't for these great women I would be broke;have 20 bags of milk in the fridge;and be wandering around the village looking for my car!!!! I couldn't get that help in Brockville, they would look at me strangely and wonder how I escaped the local Psych hospital, and whether they should call someone to pick me up!! All that aside, I promise you something about "Dickens", so here I go! When one is in a "fibro Fog" there are few things one can do effectively, and indeed safely, until it subsides. Watching complicated movies with more than 2 characters is frustrating, and reading (which I have always loved) is also a challenge. But a few years ago, a publishing company came out with these pretty little matching books of the classics (not all the classics unfortunately) and I picked up a couple of titles to read when the fog cleared! When I picked up Great Expectations and began to read the Prologue by Dickens, I was hooked! I remember going to the doctors office, and I always bring a book because you spend 45 min minimum waiting in the reception area, followed by another 20 - 30 minutes in the office. Anyway, I was engrossed in Great Expectations when my doctor walked in and asked if I was being forced to read this book!!!! I tried to share all the wonders of Dickens writing, and his wonderful wit and humour, but he was not buying it! The funny thing is that yes, sometimes I can't read, but the language and the flow of this brilliant writer overtakes me, and I'm lulled out of any resistance, and into a linguistic dance. I laugh out loud, because he is so funny, and the depths of the characters are such that you cannot forget them, which happens for me in regular writing and I have to go back and re read to figure out who this character is!!! Exhausting". I'm just beginning "little Doritt" and looking forward to every minute of it! So I just want to tell all my other fellow sufferers of FF to pick up Nicholas Nicholby, or Great Expectations and give Dickens a try!

"Out" of Africa

2010-04-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

For many many years when anyone would ask me where I would like to go in the world, my response was quick and simple..."Africa". I've had an emotional love affair with this continent for ever. Characters like Elspeth.. movies like Born Free, Out of Africa and the whole never ending plight of the African people. It is only recently, in the last 3 years or so that I realized that I could never go to Africa. Not because I'm sick or that it's too expensive...those things both being true, but not the deep down truth of the matter...I couldn't go to Africa, or even be a missionary because it would most certainly break my heart and I would never recover. I know that sounds silly and almost immature, self absorbed even, and often since I've had this realization I have scorned myself in those very same regards. But now I don't. Since the dawn of the Internet it is much easier to research all sorts of peoples experiences, and since I've been ill I have more time to read them. But for me truthfully it's only been since January of this year, and starting this blog that I've afforded myself this very selfish activity of blogging! I don't really have anything much to say, and I'm insignificant as "blogger authors" go, very little influence. That aside I'd like to raise the issue of the silent observer, or chained activist. So many individuals who have made it their purpose in life to raise awareness about an issue of inhumanity, either don't survive it at all, being killed during their expedition, or are slowly tortured to death by the apathy of humanity as their cries fall on deaf ears. If you get a chance to read Kevin Carter's story is devastating...the young photographer wins a Pulitzer Prize for "want a meal" shown in my previous post, and then the world basically says "Wow that was a fantastic picture, did the girl die? did you see her die? did the vulture eat her? Oh........what's Britney Spears doing today?" and there you have it...the reason why he, and countless others can't go on after witnessing "it"....but the "it" isn't what we think....no...the "it" isn't the death; starvation; disease....nope.....the "it" is us....that's what they (those who are our witnesses to human tragedy) can't live with anymore....they can't live with the fact that if you are not one of them then you are one of us. They find it impossible to be in kinship with those who have truned their backs on the death and the disease and the dying...turned the page, changed the channel, closed the book....and have done nothing. They are left with this image and experience in their souls, and they carry "it" around with them for us...hoping that we too will witness their burden and be motivated to act....because these ongoing tradgedies are all preventable...they are not God ordained....the starving can be fed...the diseased water purified...the malaria treated along with the leprosy and dysentry...it can be done...it is being done. Ministries all over the world are sending help, but the need is so great that they struggle under the burden. Can you imagine...and I mean truly imagine...being in Africa, feeding the thousands...many many many people come, and you run out of food...but not out of people...a small child comes up to the big empty bowl with her brothers and they stick their fingers in to get any last drop to ease their bulging bellies. How do you explain to them that "the world" doesn't have enough money to save them...but wait...that's a lie...how do you explain to them that their lives just aren't as important as the space program, or the Olympic Games, or even a daily coffee at Starbucks!

Sit that child down on your knee and explain that to him/her!

THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GO TO AFRICA

it would kill me.

What must The Children think?

2010-04-18T01:48:00.003-04:00

Falling on deaf ears
Falling on deaf ears
How loud must I scream
And still nobody hears

My heart is pounding so hard
I can see
But you must not know
Or you would save me

Falling on deaf ears
Falling on deaf ears
I would try to shout louder
But my throat's full of tears

The Jangaweed's coming
I hear the foot falls
The Devils on horseback
Death coming to call

Now the silence is deafening,
Just the burning of wood
If you saw this...the bodies...
You'd protect me, you should

If you saw this you'd save me?
People say that you will
But the ones that keep coming
Are the ones who will kill

I'm just a child
But I know this is wrong
I'm struggling to live
Why does it take you so long...

When are you coming? Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of a starving toddler being "stalked" by a well fed vulture.Photographer Kevin Carter committed suicide at age 33 the picture is entitled "wanting a meal"

GEORGE CLOONEY IN DARFUR / ROSARIO ARIJON SUPPORT HIM

2010-04-17T19:07:00.002-04:00

Okay, so as you can see I've been pretty riled up about Darfur, and have been searching the Internet for some more positive news about any action being taken to stop this Genocide. As you may, or may not know, the killings in Darfur have been declared "Genocide" by President Obama, It was this missing declaration which delayed action in Rwanda. Under the Geneva Convention in 1948, by law Nations must intervene when Genocide is decided...
"The Genocide law of 1948 states that...any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group,, as such:
(a) Killing members of the group;
(b) Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group;
(c) Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part;
(d) Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group;
(e) Forcibly transferring children of the group to another group.
Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide, Article 2[3]" Wikipedia
Okay, so armed with that declaration, then you might think that the International community would take arms and stop the slaughter...right? WRONG!!!! Why?...well all you have to do is turn over your dishware, check the tag on the back of your shirt, or look at the bottom of the glass you're sipping from....Yup!

This Genocide is made in China

China of course! China is a super power now in the Global market, and this "power" carries a lot of weight with those powers that are in their back pocket...China practically owns The United States of America...apart from all the exporting and importing; the many North American businesses that they either own outright or at least control, then there's the debt! If China were to call in their loans the U.S. would be bankrupt.

It makes sense that the U.S. doesn't want to "rock the junk". So when the cat's out of the bag about Genocide in Darfur, that the mass killing of Black Africans by militia groups is being paid off by the Arab government...then all the great nations gather to decide what comes next, and we need a unanimous commitment...shouldn't be too hard right? Not! China's got a great deal going with Khartoum...and they get all their oil from them. On the side, China also supplies them with weapons to help the Sudanese miltia that are killing those darn Black Africans who want their share of the wealth that the rest of the country is enjoying. But they are just "Black Africans" and the Arabian led government wants them out of the way, so China is helping them do it. Therefore the UN is likely not going to get a vote to intervene from China!!! So much for democracy!!

So far, the only thing that has happened to help the Black Africans in Darfur is that some individuals who have participated in the killings are being arrested and tried in the Hague, the International Criminal Court... Meanwhile the genocide continues.

"The International Criminal Court (French: Cour Pénale Internationale; commonly referred to as the ICC or ICCt)[1] is a permanent tribunal to prosecute individuals for genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression (although it cannot currently exercise jurisdiction over the crime of aggression).[2][3]" Wikipedia

When I found this video of George Clooney, I couldn't find a single comment to reflect acknowledgement that anyone had even read it!!! What does it take?

STAND CANADA - DO SOMETHING NOW

2010-04-15T09:16:00.000-04:00

We have a huge opportunity in our hands right now.
We can shake our heads in dismay about the atrocities of the Holocaust and the SS Death Camps...we weren't there...what could we have done?
We can consider the annihilation of the Armenian people..it was so far away...we weren't sure what was happening!
Think about the days of terror in Rwanda...while the United Nations was discussing whether or not it was genocide...the Hutu's had slaughtered 800,00 men women and children in 100 days! Read about it from a Canadian perspective in "Shake hands with the Devil " by Lt. Gen. Romeo Dallaire, a strong and dedicated Canadian Peace keeper who led his men to try and stop the the genocide, but was brought to his knees because he could only watch, but was given no power to do anything because the government again argued as to whether or not this uprising was in fact a "genocide" as described in the Geneva Convention. His dedication was not in vain, for he is a powerful witness to the evil that was done, and at great cost to himself mentally and emotionally. It's easy to ignore something when it's not in your face. Well then put it in your face...in your head..carry the images you will see when you "google" Darfur or read my posts and then go to Stand Up Canada and you will find an easy way to write a letter, and even who to write it to. Pen and paper gets hand delivered (now isn't that funny) and encourage others to write too. Start a Chapter in your own School or Church. You may think it won't make a difference, but politics is an interesting game...if enough people make an issue and some noise about it, they will have to respond.

Not on our watch?...but it IS on our watch...see what you can do... and keep up to date on what's happening in Darfur

2010-04-14T17:43:00.001-04:00

We want to "believe" that this is happening without our consent .... but it's not. "Evil prevails when good men fail to act." It will go on again.
Again and again and again...and it will go on until we pressure our governments to Take Action. More and more men, women, and children will die, and are dying, each day. The government sponsored Jangaweed "militia group" ride into villages with 20,000 or so inhabitants and rape and beat them all to death, then steal all valuables, and set the homes on fire. The Arab government is happy, because they don't want to share the wealth of The Sudan with the black Africans in Darfur. The militia are happy because they're getting rich pillaging the black Africans villages, and they are satisfying their evil lusts by terrorizing the men and raping the women and girls. Even those Black Africans who have fled to refugee camps on the border of Chad, continue to live under threat from the Janga weed. These camps are often great distances away from a source of water, and they may have to walk for several DAYS to find it. The men are at risk of being killed, and the women of being raped so.....the women collect the water. Sometimes husbands of wives who have been raped by the Jangaweed, will leave their wife and children because of it! These Jangaweed people are truly evil, and enjoy hacking their victims to death, even poking out their eyeballs and burning them alive!!! I say this NOT for the SHOCK value, but to somehow JOLT you into writing a letter, or making a call...of doing SOMETHING.......ANYTHING. PLEASE.