Wednesday, August 9, 2017

I pretend I'm sleeping...

At some point my mother, my sister and I, are staying with my grandparents in their apartment back in England. At night after getting ready for bed we're tucked away in bed and Angela's breathing gets slower and slower while mine speeds up.  I wait, knowing what's coming next. I finally fall asleep but waken to the sound and smell of breath on my face. Tooth powder and soap, strong smells cover my nervous body. He's here again, touching me again. My body stiffens and I squeeze my legs together as hard as I can. I keep my eyes tightly shut so he thinks I'm asleep. He tugs at the blankets, wool and scratchy wool at that, I try to hold the folds around me clenching my fists on them, but he gets under the covers anyway and begins to stroke my little body. He starts at my chest, fondling me while the nausea fills my throat. Then he slowly moves down but when he starts to fondle between my legs I feign restlessness and quickly roll over. He stops...my breathing is rapid now and he knows I'm awake..he tries again but I make groaning noises and he stops again. Part of me is afraid my sister will waken, but another is terrified that she will. I'm so confused because as much as I felt sick with the wrongness of it, there was a part of me that enjoyed it and that scared me most of all.
He looms over the bed for what seems like forever, but finally leaves and I softly cry myself to sleep.
I'm not sure how long we stayed with them but the pattern never faltered and I thought I was going to have to tell my mother, but she was busy with my grandmother being ill, looking after her, and my father was in Canada so I didn't tell anyone. I was afraid of what might happen.  Would there be a big fight or would no one believe me. Where would I have to go? Too many things for me to ponder.
So it continued until my grandmother was better and my father came to England from Canada and we  were all going to live in Canada together without my grandparents.  I was sad about leaving my grandmother and my Aunts and cousin Penelope and my dear Uncle Stan...but it was a relief to be separated from my grandfather.

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