Tuesday, August 15, 2017

A new beginning...

Our now small family of four left England and flew to Canada for a new start....away from my grandfather but also leaving behind everything I had ever known and all my extended family, including my grandmother who I loved dearly.
As we touched down and dis boarded the plane I remember being struck by how big everything was...and the sky seemed to never end!  Our first home was a cottage on Lake Erie, which suited me fine! It was right on the water and I swam everyday that I could.  My parents made new friends and even they seemed big...larger than life! We were surrounded by nature and even a huge deer head hung on the wall over the fireplace and we used him as a drying rack for our unmentionables and bathing suits!
Not everything was rosy though.  My sister and I were teased terribly for our English accents, and that made it hard at school.  Even some of the teachers seemed to be unforgiving of our cultural differences, such as using the the term naught instead of zero, lorry instead of truck, and our English penmanship was vertical in nature which was also wrong! Canadians slanted their writing, so we were chastised for all these errors, and subsequently teased.
There was another thing that had followed me to Canada that had resulted from my abuse at the hands of my grandfather and that was sexualized behaviour, totally inappropriate for a girl of 8.
My parents not knowing what I had endured found this to be quite repugnant and I felt their disapproval but didn't quite understand it. I thought that I was "bad" and I suppose I was, but I was confused at the same time. Why was I different from other children my age? Why was I so out of place. I had no way of understanding that my experiences with my grandfather had changed me forever.  I didn't think the same way as other kids my age and the older I got the more apparent that was.
Once, at school, after being teased relentlessly and pushed and shoved to the ground over and over again, I attacked my perpetrator, threw her to the ground one recess and proceeded to tear off her clothing and throw it over the fence! It must have been awful for her but I was so enraged that I lost control and that was my revenge...totally inappropriate and I paid a hard price for that! I was attacked even more after that, being thrown onto gravel and dragged, being chased on my bicycle and thrown off into the ditch and beaten. Their revenge was unrelenting and by the end of that year we moved to a different subdivision and a new school. A relief but new bullies were ready to take their place and they did so with gusto!
It took some years to settle in but I did and had "boyfriends" in grades 4 -8, but something else happened by the time I was 12 that changed the game again.
My grandparents had decided to emigrate to Canada as well, and their arrival resulted in a new round of abuse, and a new perspective on my relationships with my family.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

I pretend I'm sleeping...

At some point my mother, my sister and I, are staying with my grandparents in their apartment back in England. At night after getting ready for bed we're tucked away in bed and Angela's breathing gets slower and slower while mine speeds up.  I wait, knowing what's coming next. I finally fall asleep but waken to the sound and smell of breath on my face. Tooth powder and soap, strong smells cover my nervous body. He's here again, touching me again. My body stiffens and I squeeze my legs together as hard as I can. I keep my eyes tightly shut so he thinks I'm asleep. He tugs at the blankets, wool and scratchy wool at that, I try to hold the folds around me clenching my fists on them, but he gets under the covers anyway and begins to stroke my little body. He starts at my chest, fondling me while the nausea fills my throat. Then he slowly moves down but when he starts to fondle between my legs I feign restlessness and quickly roll over. He stops...my breathing is rapid now and he knows I'm awake..he tries again but I make groaning noises and he stops again. Part of me is afraid my sister will waken, but another is terrified that she will. I'm so confused because as much as I felt sick with the wrongness of it, there was a part of me that enjoyed it and that scared me most of all.
He looms over the bed for what seems like forever, but finally leaves and I softly cry myself to sleep.
I'm not sure how long we stayed with them but the pattern never faltered and I thought I was going to have to tell my mother, but she was busy with my grandmother being ill, looking after her, and my father was in Canada so I didn't tell anyone. I was afraid of what might happen.  Would there be a big fight or would no one believe me. Where would I have to go? Too many things for me to ponder.
So it continued until my grandmother was better and my father came to England from Canada and we  were all going to live in Canada together without my grandparents.  I was sad about leaving my grandmother and my Aunts and cousin Penelope and my dear Uncle Stan...but it was a relief to be separated from my grandfather.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Car rides and boiled sweets

I'm older now...I'm not sure how old, but I'm going to school with my sister now, at the convent, and there's another girl on the car that I'm not sure who she is but goes to the same school and rides with us.
For some reason my grandfather picks us up from school, and I'm not sure why but this happens more than once, it is a repetitive scripted event that makes my stomach churn. It starts with the arrangement in the car. My sister and her friend always sit together in the backseat leaving me in the front seat with my grandfather. As we're driving, my grandfather offers us all boiled sweets that he keeps in a tin in his glove compartment which is in front of me. Of course the girls want sweets and I am instructed to get them out and offer them to the girls. It is at this point that the plan begins to take shape.  In the moment of offering the sweets I have to physically twist around with the tin and hold it out while they pick. During this time my grandfather slides his hand up my school tunic and to my panties. I am terrified that my sister is going to see what's happening and just want to throw up while he massages my thigh enjoying the whole situation. It only takes a few minutes for them to pick their sweets but it feels like hours. Once they pick I quickly push myself back into my seat and away from his grasp. He tells me to take a sweet which I dutifully do and then he says, speaking to us all but staring at me..." Say Thank you", the girls chime out "thank you" but the words stick in my throat along with the vomit I'm now swallowing. He pursues it again and finally I manage the words and he smiles knowingly at me.
This event plays out enough times as to make is a repetitive and dreaded activity rather than a shocking one time experience. Each time he picks us up it is a dreaded event, evoking nausea and anxiety, wanting to escape or scream but somehow I'm trapped by his stare and the knowing this is secret, wrong, but I'm in it with him. I can still smell the tooth powder he uses and the sound of his breathing which changes whenever he is doing these things to me.  It's disgusting, and I am ashamed. To this day I haven't discussed all the things he did to me with my family and it's partly because I'm afraid of their reaction. Will they believe me? Will they think badly of me? In therapeutic sessions I've been able to share most of my experiences and received support from my therapists but it still feels like it's a secret in a way.
Secrets are bad.
Secrets keep you trapped.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Scaramucci is GONE!

Trump and  Saramucci break the record for most short lived communications director of all time! Just 11 fun filled days and the stinking fish head is gone! What a shock it must have been for that narcissistic showboat to find out he had sold his business and given up all ( including wife, although I think she gave him up) to find his career cut EXTREMELY short...11 days...11DAYS...and they were long days at that. He consumed the MSM for the entire time with his brash and totally inappropriate behaviour...much akin to his boss who he love, love, loved!! This bromance could have gone on a lot longer had it not been for the incoming chief of staff who I'm certain said him or me! Plus it has been mentioned that, much like Spicer, ScareY Moochi was having entirely too much air time than the president!
Well here's to the Generals, may they serve well and long in this administration and may they put trump into a veritable choke hold until the end of his presidency in 3 1/2 years or sooner!

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Fibro Finale

This past month has been excruciating, with the weather being so wet, and trying to keep up the house between floods and trees falling, the stress has peaked my pain threshold to maximum.  Being the only adult in the house means when I'm struck down with pain, nothing gets done. My physical stamina has been drastically diminished from years of reduced activity, and when I have a good day I tend to over do it to catch up from all the bad days and then that inevitably results in a crash, which means NO energy, as if sedated, LOTS OF PAIN, all over my body, muscles and deep bone aches.
I'm having difficulty motivating my 20 year old to do anything to help! Cutting grass and cleaning up after himself is a constant battle which when confronted results in a huge fight so I walk on tender hooks trying to be diplomatic but there is no diplomacy left, only consequences, like taking the car away, which again means war is declared.
I don't know how to get help anymore. I just watch as things fall apart, things that I would never have allowed before becoming ill are now standard practice like the house being a mess. I am embarrassed when my son brings his friends in...I don't understand how he has such little pride as to let them see the squalor his room is in.
I suppose this is when you start to scrape the bottom of the barrel! When you really begin to think "is this what it's going to be like forever? Is it going to get worse? How can I possibly get out of this situation ?"
I have no answers anymore...no cute little sayings to sweep the truth under the rug. It seems pretty hopeless to me.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Wrath of Don

Trump has turned the page on the 1st Amendment by suggesting in a video retweet that it would be his wish to take down a CNN journalist and smack him/her down. He then followed up on that idea by stating in a speech to veterans that the media is trying to "shut us down" but they won't because "I'm the President and they're not"! What exactly does that mean in combination with his call to his followers to beat down the media? It reeks of censorship! If you're a friend of Trump and groom his ego you get airtime and mention. If you push him to explain his decisions, activities, multiple investigations, you are subject to the wrath of Don!This behaviour is eerily familiar. Censoring the press (which is his ultimate goal) taunting "Fake News" to his followers like a cult leader to his Trumpsters, who readily taunt the term over and over again refusing to properly debate the facts ... If you get even close to pinning them down they just cry "Fake News" or change the subject!
The use of social media over a free press is nonsense. That's not getting the message out to his people its summarizing, in 140 characters or less, a statement or taunt without the benefit of scrutiny or even explanation of the meaning of these oft times strange messages.
These messages, a small percentage of them being announcements, are mostly filled with rhetoric and accusations which will forever be documented as he goes down in history as being the least articulate president ever to hold office! School children will be exposed to these tweets as official records!
Gone are the days of remarkable, inspirational orators,raising the worlds consciousness. Instead they will see name calling, bullying, and downright vile thoughts tossed into the political atmosphere without caution or concern.  As Melania Trump lays claim to her anti bullying campaign her husband remains the king of bullies, like a grade schooler, he lowers himself to name calling, and mimicking.
The biggest fear in this downright bizarre situation is that he will bully a bully who holds the key to some nuclear or chemical weapons and uses them on the innocents the president has upheld to represent. He has no self control, no insight into his own narcissistic behaviour!
The saddest thing is that the very people who helped to elect him, along with Russia, are the very same people who will suffer the most by his decisions. Tax cuts for the rich, incentives to businesses, (Trump has yet to move his clothing companies and his daughters handbags back to be manufactured in the USA) reduction in healthcare and Medicaid which he promised not to touch, leave the most vulnerable out to dry under his leadership.
It is no wonder that the leaders of foreign countries are confused and bemused by this characature of a man who has accidentally come to represent the leader of the free world.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Insurance/contractor nightmares ( I need some balls )

Last year I had the opportunity to access a program to help low income home owners address issues in their homes which may cause them to have to move out. Don't get me wrong they don't come in and "renovate" your home, it's very specific and only the major issues under a certain budget get addressed and over 10 years you have a loan and lien on your house.  I live in a small village of 1000 where most of the houses are older ( mine was built in 1880) and every spring the rows upon rows of sump pump hoses line the streets as homeowners deal with the inevitable. My home is no different, so when I accessed this program I spoke to the contractor I had chosen about making sure the new furnace I was getting was elevated, maybe suspended from the rafters, to keep it safe from water issues. At first he said it couldn't be done as my basement is not full height and I asked for it to be raised at least as high as my previous furnace.  I was on a waiting list from the fall 2016 into mid January 2017.  They lent us a heater to help with the cold while we waited. Once the job was completed the furnace had been placed on maybe 2 inch slabs! I said that I was concerned but the job was done. Then comes April downpours and my basement floods like everyone's did and my beautiful new furnace sinks under the cold icy water and my house fills up with propane! I've never heated with propane and it terrified me...I waded around in the basement and hooked up a fan to try to blow it out all the while expecting to be blown up! I realize this event was not typical weather but what is typical weather these days? So my concerns born out I contact the insurance company and begin the task of quotes.  I contacted my original contractor who then told me the furnace could probably by hung from the rafters but it wouldn't be covered by the insurance company because it would represent a change from the original set up and would increase the cost by $700.00! Sooooo I could have had it raised in the first place but I think my contractor ( who seems to be a nice enough guy) was more afraid of losing the bid than my concerns over possible flooding!!! We're still in the process of finalizing this endeavour and even though I'm a woman I'm intending to pursue it to the bitter end even though I will most likely lose out.  It sucks being a woman in these scenarios because if you're not a bitch in the first place you're a sucker in the end.  I have often said that one day I will buy myself a penis just to carry with me in case I need more balls...maybe that time is now!