Hard things

this is harder than I thought it would be.  I find myself re reading these posts and knowing that there's something huge missing.  That something is me...my heart and soul are missing from those posts...it's as if a robot reached down in to my brain and typed out the facts of this ordeal but omitted the emotion ...the most important stuff about it is the depth of emotional destruction that continued, no continues, to haunt my every thought and decision in my life.  I'm 58 years old now and I continue to react to relationships in self destructive ways as if I've never understood the severity of the damage that was done to me.  I can intellectually analyse why and how these things continue to haunt me this way but not the ability to change it.  How do you start again...it's like asking me to learn to breathe in a different way than I've always breathed!  People do heal.  They're called survivors for a reason, but I'm still not a survivor. I'm still a victim.  I still dont have the skills to change what appears to be
A long list of self abuse.  Not physical, although the stress of it all has made it physical too.  Made me even less worthy than I already thought I was. I write as if this all happened to someone else.  Sterile, clinical observations.  I have to start again from the beginning somewhere else. I know I'm talking to nobody out there and it's sad that this feels like the safest place to vent!  I am sad.  I am alone in myself.  I don't know if I can do this anymore.