Saturday, November 20, 2010

Musings

If all the world's humans suddenly were trasnformed into Golden Retrievers what a world it would be...
There would be no war, no bullying, no video games (can't play Xbox without thumbs!) there would be no more tv reality programs, just dog shows, noone would care if they had dog hair on their clothes, because their clothes would be dog hair! The only problem is.....................................................................
WHO WOULD THROW THE BALL?

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Slide

It's been a long, slow, slide down the slippery road to hell this year.  My depression began in July, and slowly dragged me into the muck and mire of "The Pit", where I've spent considerable time soaked with tears and drowning in dark thoughts, researching suicide options and their messiness ratings...where would i go so that I wouldn't be readily discovered, especially by Matt...and all the other "thinking" that goes with this phase.  How worthless I am....how much I've disappointed everyone, and keep disappointing them.  For awhile, I had reached a stage where as long as I could "work" my way to being valuable....by doing the most I could do to be thought well of...not ever expecting to be cherished, although that's been my life's desire....but enough to earn some "credits" on my life's account that's forever in the red///I can't do that anymore.  I'm too sick to do all the things I used to do...to be able to help other people, and therefore earn my merit...now I am worthless and valueless again.  This is very frightening because I thought the Lithium was my lifeline, but it appears that after 3 years maybe not.  This is not comforting.  The next course suggested is Electro convulsive therapy, which I have assisted in administering, but have never received, and it just seems such a drastic and barbaric treatment...and what happens if it doesn't work?  What relief can I expect and from where? I don't know how many more trips to hell I can stand, and the recovery process though dramatic in the removal of dark thoughts, the weepy sadness continues, and it seems as if I'm stuck only half way back. At 51 I'm an old soul with more to look back on and little to look forward to.  That's no comfort either.  This load is getting harder and harder to carry...the burden of all that has occurred after my innocence was taken from me.  People who don't understand think that "abuse" is a singular event, or span of time that ends when the touching and manipulation ends, but unfortunately it's not.  The child that I was....the potential that I had as that intact child with all the hopes and dreams of that innocence was murdered, and only the gaping wound remained, waiting to be healed....waiting....waiting to be healed.  Try to imagine a child....with that open wound...in your presence.  Would you expect that child to think, feel, behave and grow as if he/she wasn't wounded?  Would your expectations be that they think, feel, and behave as if they aren't wounded?  That is most often the case...the walking wounded, never be able to achieve or fulfill the expectations that existed before the murder...before the wound...go through life emotionally, spiritually, and very often physically wounded by addictions and illness...disabled.  Like a wounded veteran with an amputation...walking with a limp...except that no one blames them for walking with a limp...no one says...why did you make that choice to get blown up, shot at.  It would be so wonderful to share that burden....be relieved of having to carry the weight of all that guilt....to have the full extent of my injury acknowledged not for the purpose of blame, but for the purpose of validation....This road has been long and hard....and very, very lonely. I want to get off this road, but I don't know how to make it happen on my own because relieving some of my pain means that someone else must take it on, and that will cause them pain.  I'm not sure whether self protection is the reason behind the lack of understanding, or simply just plain old lack of understanding.  My sister called me the other day after meeting with her accupuncturist and seemed very surprised that when she shared my history with him of Fibromyalgia etc. he immediately asked if I had been abused!  It never occurred to me that she didn't know that the two were related!!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Catholic Child Molesters

Watching a CNN investigative report about...what else....child abuse by priests in the catholic church....and i wonder how many people/victims have no faith in God because of the demons who were allowed...no allowed is too easy...who were sustained under the protection of the catholic church.  How many lives...victims, parents of victims, brother and sisters of victims, spouses of victims, friends of victims...and on and on it goes, have left the church and maybe faith as well.  I sometimes feel that the punishment for anyone involved in protecting thereby perpetrating these crimes should be victimized themselves but it wouldn't be the same unless the power ratio is right.  But they obviously have no empathetic or intelligent understanding of what happens to a child when they are assaulted...and it is sexual assault...we make it sound almost like having fudge brownies with father fry when we say "molested"...it describes NOTHING that haunts a victim for the rest of their lives.  They are permanently altered in their innermost parts....their souls, their spirit, their self worth is gone and everything that happens immediately following this assault will shape this individuals abilityy to remould their psyche so as not to have their being destroyed.  Who these people were before these assaults, is not the same as who they are now...but you may say, people are victims of car accidents and can't walk but they get on with it.  Thank God they do, and I pray for that for all victims...but it is different for sex abuse survivors...it's not so easy to heal from deep within, where even you yourself may not immediately understand all that is going on in your own head, why you feel the way you do, the difficulty in relationships, trust, expectations.  I myself didn't confront my molester per say, he told me off after my Mother told him to stop.  I'll never forget that day.  I knew Mom had spoken to him and was pretty sure he would find a way to confront me even with my grandmother there and he did! I rang the buzzer, and granny answered (I went there for lunch).  Mom had said I only had to go if Granny was there, so I went up, but granny was now in the kitchen around the corner making lunch...he pulled me in and pinned me up against the door and pulled my head close to his ear and hissed at me..."I hear you've spoken to your mother"...and that was all he had time for as granny rounded the corned he released me.  It was all I could do not to vomit all over the floor!  I had lunch (!!) while trying not to see him masturbating behind the opened newspaper directed towards me. I kept my lunch down until I walked back to school.  It took me awhile to get up the nerve to say anything again and after that I lived a life parallel to him in order to keep peace. It probably would have been better for my self esteem if I had taken back control from him in a formal way....but hindsight is a wonderful but useless tool.  I should perhaps write him a letter describing to him exactly the enormity of the damage he perpetrated, along with the collateral damage in the rest of my remaining life...he's dead, and was also a staunch Catholic. At least I got over my anger with God for not answering my pleas to make it stop...complete with a kneeler made out of library steps and holy water given to me by my priest!!!
If you haven't been sexually/assaulted/molested, I ask you to be sensitive to those who have this journey to make, and get help for yourself too, someone to talk to and bounce things off.  Trying to ignore it probably won't be as helpful to you as dealing with it head on.
As a final note...the Pope knows what he should be doing, and isn't.  He'll lose a large following for the Catholic Church and I don't think Peter would or is pleased!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

The View from in Here/ You're Worth It

well I'm still in the pit...but not at the point of no return.  When I look up too long my neck gets sore and my face gets wetter from the rain but that mixes in with the tears s and just becomes another wet face day!
There's little sun getting down and when I try to muscle up the energy to climb up, hoping to feel the warmth of the sunshine but then I;m become nervous about someone seeing me in such a state and crawl back into the pit. I;m here again...sad SAD sad...weeping is really a game breaker when chatting to people, can't call them up and then burst into tears...not much fun and seems manipulative to me.  Darlene has been such a lifesaver for Matt and me rescuing us from hospital admissions and comforting Matt during both my panic attack and heart attack.  I'm sure she's starting to give up on me...but calling her to bawl down the other end of the phone line just not my thing. This whole "reach out" phobia came naturally from learning by experience that my issues or circumstances weren't  important as compared to everyone else's.I know that sounds petulant, but it really isn't...it's just a statement of fact and happens to allot of people...it happened to my eldest son Paul. There's so much emotion flowing though the family that the one who makes the most noise wins, and the quiet ones just languish in the background noise and try to lick our own wounds...but since we're not old enough to recognize that we are victims of circumstance we internalize our pain, and wounds run deeper.  In my case my family was struggling with a strained married after emigrating from England to Canada, and although I didn't know what was going on, I could feel it...the tension in the air was palpable.  Then my sister was having problems, and she was very angry.  When she wasn't fighting with my parents, which was daily, she fought with me!! Physically, emotionally...whatever way she could, and she knew how to get me too!!She was very angry with me for some reason, and her rage spilled out all over us.  Her experimentation with drugs and alcohol was of great concern, but I was beginning to have had enough.  I couldn't protect my self from her rages, and my parents were besides themselves with what to do with her, but wouldn't kick her out (which is obviously what I wanted...to be safe) so we went to counselling.  That was even more offensive since I was being sexually abused by my grandfather on a daily basis (every lunchtime!) and some days would go from school (which I hated) to counselling which was focused on my sister, and back to being molested, and on again back to school! This was my ninth grade year! I couldn't protect myself from old "Grandpa" either because my Mom was worried that my Grandmother (the greatest woman in the world) would be upset if she discovered what "Grandpa" had been doing to me, and that she would be devastated!!! Curious rationalization you must admit but anyway....I don't remember much of High School at all!!!  Are you surprised!!! Anyway, much later in my troubled life my own middle son created his own stir, and Paul became a victim of that.  Andrew and Paul both were suffering from my poor choices in men...always picked the abusive one...go figure!!! But after many years we got out from under into a little scraggly house in a small village, but that's when the rage began.  By 13 he was bigger than me, by 14 he was threatening me..and by 15 I wrote him up a contract to sign as to behaviour and expectations and he moved out.  Don't know for sure, but I think Paul was greatly relieved and although I love Andrew deeply, I could sleep at night without wondering if he was going to kill me or burn down the house!!!Sounds too dramatic, but it's true.  I feel very responsible for everything I put them through, and I know I was a disappointment to Mom and Dad...but this stuff runs deep, and as long as you try to hide it the more damage it does to you physically and emotionally.  All that cortisol streaming through your veins as you navigate your crazy life using "Fight and Flight" as your core coping strategy ( plus a whole lot of wine!) leaves your body weak and unable to defend itself.  So think about it...are you under huge amounts of stress....don't be a martyr...get help...if you think things in your family are screwed up...talk to someone...if you're a kid...call a counsellor. kids helpline...tell a friend.  Don't struggle on your own and think that's it's all your fault.  You deserve help too...you're not insignificant but sometimes the people who ideally would listen to you are presently"unavailable for comment"! They're too caught up in the drama to see the whole picture. You're Worth it...DO it!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

In the Name of Family

Family can be the best thing in the world, or it can be the worst thing in the world...and sometimes it's a bit of both.  As I said in my last post, my oldest son Paul came up for the weekend and it was so wonderful, I can't even begin to describe how nice it was to have breakfast and dinner made for me, dishes done...he even managed to get Matt into the swim of things!  He took us all out for a delicious lunch and fantastic frappacinos (sp?) We watched movies and talked, and just hung out together.  It was so great I didn't want it to end...but of course it did, and I tried my hardest not to cry when he left but it was impossible and so the sadness continues to seep out.  Also my sister and I had an argument and she has decided that she doesn't like me anymore, and that really sucks since out of my 51 years she's only liked me for about 9 of those and I was starting to get used to that but there again lies the problem.  I should know better by now...guard your heart...as Dr. Phil says "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour." Anyway, I was having a wonderful time feeling very down and defeated and then I turned on the documentary, filmed mostly in Toronto, titled "In the Name of Family", which follows the lives of several young Arab women who were struggling to adapt to our culture, while still living in Arabian culture at home.  The fathers of these girls were consumed with the desire to control their daughters lives, and exhert phenomenal pressure on them to conform to, and be subjected to Sharia Law.  Their friends all said that when they themselves would make a statement like "My father's going to kill me" it was understood that it was all in jest...they were unprepared for the reality that their Arabian girlfriends had to deal with.  It's hard to believe that a father would shoot his own daughter because she smiled at a customer while bagging his groceries...but in a simplistic manner, that was the case.  The girls were expected to wear traditional garb and head dress, but most stored a change of clothes at school so that they could more easily blend in.  Their father's followed them, video taped them, had their brother's stalk them, and be ready to torture the girls on a frequent basis.  When outright rebellion finally came one girl was stabbed by her brother, 2 sisters were shot to death by their father in the back of his Taxi Cab from which he fled the country and hasn't been seen since.  The Misogyny of this culture is all consuming, and there really should be more protection for them.  They are truly beautiful gems, and any father would be concerned for their virtue, like most Canadian fathers I suspect.  The problem is that when they get on that plane in Pakistan they don't leave their misogynistic ways and Sharia Laws behind them.  What is the point then of leaving Arabian countries...presumably to get a better life...but only if you're a male.  Our small village is lacking in it's ethnicity, but the nearest city is starting to become more colourful, which is a good thing, but we all need to be aware of the seriousness of condition that our Arabian sister's  are living, and dying, under.  So if you're ever feeling that your parents are overbearing watch this ...the documentary speaks for itself and I hope you'll get a chance to see it...we must do something to ensure that "honor killings" have a special treatment under our laws to show those considering this path, that we will hunt them down, and they will pay for their vile...evil actions.

"On December 10, 2007, a 16-year-old Toronto schoolgirl, Aqsa, was strangled to death; her father and brother are charged with murder. Three weeks later, teenage sisters were shot to death in Dallas; their father is wanted for murder. Six months later, a 14-year-old girl was stabbed by her brother; he was convicted and is now in jail in New York.Friends and family of the murdered girls paint a chilling portrait of the forces that led to their deaths, and Toronto schoolgirls talk about their lives of constant fear. While Muslim women organize to help girls at risk and the imam at a Toronto mosque teaches that violence has no basis in Islam, some men continue to justify these crimes through patriarchal beliefs about family honour. Award-winning director Shelley Saywell brings her consummate documentary skills and passion for human rights to challenge the traditions that lie behind the heartbreaking tragedies committed against young girls caught between two cultures in North America. - Lynne Fernie" hot docs

Friday, September 3, 2010

Blood, not blood tests, are Good for my Health

Well I got the results of my blood tests back, and there's nothing there to require changes to medications, but therefore no answer to how I've been feeling... However I found another, better, cure for my lugubrious sensibility...it's called...PAUL!!
Yes,...Paul is coming up for the long weekend and I couldn't be more excited...I've promised him I won't clean...but maybe I'll make Matt clean!!!!That works for me!! So he's bringing his several hundred movies with him (he's leaving his projector and theatre at home though!) and Matt is dying to get him out on the Paintball course!  Hope we don't kill him!  Jacquie's working so we won't see her this time...Their wedding anniversary is coming up soon too...1 year ago September 22nd.  Well, we'll see u later....Bye for now. Wish me FUN!!! 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Numb and Numer

Hey Black Eyed Dog! Thanks for visiting...I put your link here on my blog...hope that's okay!
Sorry about the s l o w posting, but I'm in the numb phase, and I'm kind of stuck here.  All I want to do is sleep...but I can't because either it gets too painful lying down (and I've never really mastered sleeping standing up...although there was a time in College...that's another story...) I've called the \Medical Centre a couple of times, and I'm hoping it's an easy Thyroid fix...just up my dose and in about a month I'll feel somewhat better...by 6 months way better...so I guess it's not that easy, but it's something we can fix as opposed to all those other things we can't.  Those "suck it up" other things that really suck to suck them up!!!  At the moment I can't even go for a walk because my foot is killing me an I'm out of everything except acetaminophen (which does nothing apart from now giving me headaches instead of taking them away!!)  Okay...so all whining apart I did have an interesting event of Frontal lobe activity yesterday that is giving me hope that maybe I'm turning the corner in the pit and seeing some light.  This is what happened.....Recalling that I am presently numb you must first reflect on the flat line EEG my brain represents....then....
I see an advertisement with Tina Fey in it, which I of course see as Fina Tey...which leads me to "Nell" (you know "giyengaye", naked nut in the woods...which leads me to Liam Neeson and Miranda Richardson, which leads me to skiing and fatal head injuries, which leads me to working the ER at Mac Master and losing an 8 year old to a massive cerebral hemorrhage when she fell off her bike, which takes me to the townhouses across from Canadian Tire in Burlington, and making my eldest son wear a black hockey helmet in August, and him hating me for it, which takes me to driving to PEI and back in my little Chevette, to the gear shifter coming off while doing 50 down a residential road, and downshifting with the nub of the shifter buried in squishy vinyl...which leads me to reviving a man outside McDonald's who had a stroke while eating a Big Mac, and the policeman that moved my car for me and said nothing about the vice grips that were now taking the place of my shifter, which leads me to wonder why the check engine light is on in my car now and I need an oil change!!!!  Then all was quiet on the eastern front!!  These little "mini mads" only take a few seconds if that, so it's comforting to know that detailed thoughts are still with me...when they start to improve and lengthen, well, look out...that's when the real blogging begins!!! For now though, things might still be slow. Oh, by the way, I'm quitting my no calorie, no potassium, no caffiene Pepsi habit.  My sister is certain that it turns into turpentine as soon as I ingest it?! The detox seem to be going okay and the facial twitch that only frightened two small children in the village is almost gone! I'm als on the hunt for coconut water which I haven't found yet...any clues...anyone??

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Pit and the Pendulum

The pendulum keeps swinging  to flat...flat...flat...flat...all summer I have been hovering in this state of dark numbness.  I force myself out of the house into the village for whatever basic needs I have, and I put on a good show while I'm there!  It's a kind of "debut" each time, but a debut, as we all know, is supposed to be a single entrance, not a recurring theme!! I can be very funny when I want to be, and when I'm out, and also to make Matt laugh at home, I can put on a great show...tell a great tale...I believe in the old adage..."leave them laughing"!!!! But it's getting harder, and the flat has begun to turn into leaking.  I hate leaking...my nose stings and runs and the tears just pool on my lower lids, defying gravity for awhile, until they ...well...leak. By then it's hard to see, and interferes with everything except sleep.  I've watched most of the summer go by through the window in my sitting room sitting on the end of my couch, wrapped in dogs.  Every time I get up to get a drink, or whatever, they leap up with excitement waiting for the leashes to be brought out, and are very disappointed when that isn't the result, and we all return to our spots, huddled up together.  I love to walk them, and I know that it's both physically and psychologically good for me, but it also leaves me in pain both during the walk (plantar faciitis and shin splints), and after, fibromyalgia pain. I know I'm whining, but it really frustrates me that everything is such a struggle. I have thyroid problems too, but haven't heard yet, the results of my bloodwork.  I wanted them to do a Lithium level, but apparently someone with greater authority than me needs to determine that...so I wait...and hope it doesn't get worse.  I hate worse!!! The Pit.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Missing God

I miss God allot right now.  It's not that ...He's not around ...of course...He's all around...but I have neglected to involve Him in every aspect of my life, like I used to and loved to.  A relationship with God/Jesus, is really like any other and at the same time unlike any other.  When I was young I really only felt that "thrill" of being enveloped by His glory during the Christmas season, and then it waned into the background of life.  While I was a teenager the last thing I wanted was to consider Jesus my comforter because I was so darn angry with Him. I couldn't forgive Him for watching while I was violated so many times, and felt He did nothing to protect me, in fact even worse, the violator was a staunch Catholic, and I was supposed to respect him...have him in my home...sit down to dinner with him!!!!! It was more than I could imagine dealing with, and I blamed everyone for it.  Anger is a crippling thing.  It laces every other emotion with a tinge of bitterness..a hint of poison. It took a really ;long time for me to embrace the love of Christ...the love that had been there all along, but that I hadn't understood, and felt unworthy of. When I found Him...truly found Him, I was higher than any earthly high could ever attempt to take me...all the most incredible descriptive words in every language in the world could not fully describe the wealth of emotion, the fire in my heart, the intensity and joy I felt...but I let it falter.  Relationships take time, patience, commitment...and Jesus is no different.  You..I mean I..can't expect to have this phenomenal relationship with Christ if I continuously push Him to the sidelines and pursue this struggle called life, on my own.  I've never been very good at accepting or asking for help, and I know it's a "worthiness" thing, and a deep down fear that a) I don't deserve it and b) I'll be rejected.  Although this has been reinforced in the natural realm, Jesus has never once hung up on me, or refused to listen! So why am I cloistered in my house, with umpteen Bibles, and books, and time, and shutting up my heart?  I don't fully understand it myself. It's complicated!!!  Please pray for me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Why are Dog Breeders brutalizing man's Best Man's Best Friend?



It is without a doubt, one of the most heinous crimes being committed on animals today, with the only result being that of general admiration for the "prettiest; wrinkly; sniffiest; dwarf like animals whose "charms are actually disabilities requiring millions of pet owner dollars to either treat their symptoms, or euthanize them.  Apparently the Rhodesian Ridgeback is bred purposefully with...yes you guessed it ...a rigged back! However the ridge is often ripe with additional problems such as spina bifida, and generalized back and spine problems.  Interestingly, the dogs that are bred with a recessive gene and are born without any deformities are usually culled...Killed...for being normal, healthy dogs!!!! The reason?  The breeders don't want to risk the "normal" genes being passed into the bloodline....they only want the "sick" ones to be bred??!!

Does this seem somewhat sick to you? The documentary by the BBC looks at many different species of pedigree dogs, and although I have always known that a mixed breed is usually more healthy, I didn't quite realize the extent of damage that the Kennel Club, and all dog associated clans, were doing to our precious pets.  The only way to stop this is by refusing to buy into their warped sense of what is beautiful in a dog.  Just like trying to emulate a fashion model leaves you open to starvation, organ and body damage, and a really whacked out sense of perspective, so too does this "fashion show" of the dog.  Don't do it!  Simply don't.  ADOPT A DOG FROM A SHELTER OR RESCUE HOME.  There are thousands ... millions of dogs...even pure bred dogs ...who are now languishing in some chain link haven just waiting for YOU!  And all those cute little Daschound with the 1 inch legs...they look cute all right...but just imagine if you have 1 inch legs and all that body in between....would you think it was that fun....?.....NOT!!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Dog Breeder's "mutations" found in village of 1000!


I recently watched a BBC documentary from 2008 on the disasters of inbreeding super champions for the elite dog show community, and how it has resulted in the deformation and possible extinction of well known breeds such as the King Charles Spaniel, bred with a brain disease as a common dominant gene, causing extreme pain to the dog, resulting in frequent euthanizing, and the bull dog, who's head has been bred so large that they can no longer birth their litters naturally.  This situation is not exclusive to the top breeder's club, and dog show dance, as I witnessed today in my small village of 1000.  A beautiful Alsatian (German Shepherd)  puppy rounded the corner, and I thought "what a beauti...." when it walked past and it's hind legs were deformed causing it to stumble as it went.  What on earth does any animal show want with a deformed dog? A dog who, by the |Kennel Clubs choice, will live it's life with a severe disability, and pain, simply to meet some warped, extremely misguided, standard that some ill minded fools have decided is now the sign of Pedigree??  These people should not only be stopped but they should be jailed.  I will continue on this thought later...Please watch the video in it's entirety.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

French Immersion and the kids who are drowning in it!

I don't know if this situation is common throughout schools that have embraced French Immersion for a portion of their students, but our rural school of 300 children has been dealing with this transition for sometime, with no clear solutions ahead.  My son has ADHD, which seems to be common these days, and is in a mixed grade 7/8 class with about 30 other students, who also struggle with ADHD, or other learning disabilities.  There is one teacher's aid, and allot of chaos.  Three years ago, I was talking to my son's new teacher, trying to ensure that all the provisions outlined in Matt's IEP (Individual Education Plan) could be exercised, such as preferred seating, extended time for tests and assignments, help with note taking and recording homework assignmentts.  It was a rude awakening to discover that an IEP was almost impossible to achieve in an environment where there are 2 separate grades being taught simultaneously, with 30 kids who all have their own IEP, and are there because they don't have the ability to measure up to a French Immersion curriculum.  Refusing to accept this, I plunged into the year, and advocated with all my strength for Matt's plan to be executed but to no avail.  All I achieved was to alienate the teacher, and find Matthew stuck in the middle wishing that I would stop asking the teacher questions!!! So it's almost the end of summer, and the School year looms ahead...both Matt and I are looking forward to it!!!!!!......NOT!

Monday, August 16, 2010

JACKIE EVANCHO Opera Singer Americas got talent You tube edition.HQ-8-10-10

Jackie Evancho walked gingerly onto the stage of America's got Talent"...approached the microphone as the audience fell silent....and then she opened her little mouth...and sang as if she had been training for 30 years for this moment!!! A voice so incredibly set apart from her age and size, that some have had trouble believing it could be true. It will be amazing to see where this new found fame leads her...hopefully to an exciting and fulfilling life ahead.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Stoning

If you are interested in a little light entertainment then DON'T WATCH THE STONING OF SARAJA M.!
Since there has been a great deal of median attention on the issue of the proposed stoning execution of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, age 43 due to occur in Iran this month, but presently postponed I thought I would watch this film starring Shohreh Aghdashloo and 'The Passion of the Christ' star Jim Caviezel.



The plot...all based on a true story...follows a journalist who comes upon a woman who has just witnessed the stoning death of her niece.  The story tells of a young woman's plight...being sentenced to death by stoning for adultery.  Her husband has concocted this story for a means to his own end, but the truth will not be heard, and the execution is inevitable.  The hole that they have dug for her to stand up in is appallingly well dug, with great care having been taken to ensure that this woman is properly buried, just over her waist.  They gleefully fill the hole, once they have lowered her in, securing her wrists in order to prevent her from shielding herself from the blows. Since all the villagers, who have gathered to enjoy the event are dressed in chadors and hijaab(s), it is easy to think that this is a film depicting biblical times, with the result being a sense of a less immediate threat...but of course that is not the case, and we also know that a young woman, Sakineh is right now being threatened with execution by stoning in August of 2010, should Iran renege on it's promise to Amnesty International to end this practice.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10579121

This film was amazing, and I was certainly deeply moved by it...but I could not watch the stoning in it's entirety...I felt nauseated at the sight of such brutality, although I know it exists, I couldn't bear witness to it in the same way as I couldn't fully watch The Passion and Christ's scourging.

Surely the deepest, most fiery pit is reserved for those who participate in this vile practice.

So my recommendation is...yes...to watch it...turning it on and off as needed...and pick up a pen or pencil, and sign anything that will help any organization anywhere, to stop this from happening.
I pray that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will meet an brutal and untimely end.....you might want to join me in that !
...Dear Lord...I know that You created this little man for a good purpose, but he has turned from you, and his heart is black, and his mind full of evil.  I ask You Lord to remove him from this world for the sake of his people, and indeed the world.  He lays down dark plans in concert with the evil one.  I ask you to protect Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, and her 2 children.  Let no harm come to them.  You are a Mighty God and Your will be done.  Amen.

https://www.amnesty.ca/resource_centre/view.php?load=arcview&article=4411&c=Resource%20Centre%20News

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Time Flies...and so do birds

Please excuse the lapse in posting, but it's been a very rough week.  All the lovely Fibromyalgia issues have flared up in my attempt to get things done, and entertain Matthew.  One night I had no meds because we'd stayed out so late that the Pharmacy had closed, and so I couldn't sleep at all, and I'm still recovering from that...along with pain, explosive headaches, periods of angina, and general flu like symptoms on top of the fatigue that won't let go.  Oh what fun...but it could worse.
As I said, or I think I said, a few days ago...time flies...and sometimes I don't realize just how much time has gone by.  During the summer, I usually put all my birds out on the deck in their huge cage, and feed them apple branches!! They love it!  I have 4 cockatiels, and a spunky budgie, who has occasionally manages to escape from the cage, and has previously made meals out of my drywall.  So the solution to that, is to clip his wings (and usually all the birds wings) for the summer, so that they can be in and out of the cage safely.  Marty (budgie) had his wings clipped earlier than usual because of the drywall incident, and I guess I just didn't realize how long it had been, when I discovered him sitting on top of the cage, laughing at all the other birds below him (he's a bit bossy and snooty for a small bird).  Anyway, out I went to retrieve him, and put him in the smaller cage , since I decided, if he was going to misbehave...he would have to forgo the munching of the tasty apple branches...that would be punishment enough for him!!!! As I approached he looked me square in the face...(tweeting twice, which I assume is swearing in bird talk)... and promptly flew off into the greener than green forest that edges our back garden! At first I was in shock..."he can't fly"..I said to myself, and the other birds that were listening intently to me...while imagining their own freedom out there in the forest!  Then I counted the time, and of course it had been time enough for the little green man to grow his feathers back...I just hadn't noticed.  So all day I hovered back and forth between the couch, where I hoped that the pain would subside and some rest take over, and the back forest, calling out for Marty to return (like he would) and imagining that every small bird that flitted from branch to branch must be him. The goldfinches teased me relentlessly with their song...a song that Marty had learned to duplicate during his days on the deck...little did I know that he was planning an escape, and learning a foreign language is, of course, paramount for escape success! So Marty's gone and I am ambivalent about his fate.  On the one hand, I picture him flying for miles and miles, with his goldfinch friends...perhaps surprising some unprepared bird feeder owner, and generally having a wonderful time (I hate that bird...where is he?).  But on the other hand we all (The tiels and I) know how bossy Marty is, and he may try to take charge of the entire flock, which probably wouldn't go very well!! He might get picked on for his funny beak, and his odd flight pattern, setting him apart from the other birds( do birds have antibullying campaigns?)  I worry about the cold nights, and imagined him pecking at the sliding door last night, with an apologetic chirp, wanting to come home...but...that's probably not likely (maybe I should leave the door open...good riddance!).  But maybe there's a flock of indigent budgies flying around North America...kind of like that garbage island,... and he'll join them in pursuit of the homeland!!! Yes...I like that idea!!! I can live with that!!!!!  Goodbye and good luck Marty....(stupid bird...wait I think I hear him!........gotta go!!!....)

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Sunglasses and Sunny Smiles!

You know how annoying commercials can be...you're right into the movie and all of a sudden another round of commercials begins to roll...and roll...and roll....and sometimes they'll even play the same commercial back to back!!!!That drives me nuts!!! But, to be fair, there really is an art to advertising.  They have an average of 30 seconds or less to communicate all that information, in as artful way as possible.  That's no small feat! I have difficulty in composing a single thought in that length of time!! So a great deal of advertising, for me, is frustrating, and there are some that are just plain disgusting...like the seniors sex night Polident commercial...that one drove me to distraction, until I finally wrote a letter to to the company, which must have been part of a pile of letters to the company, because low and behold, they stopped airing it!!! Power to the People!!!  Which brings me to my final point...commercials I love!!! Yes, there are some, and currently the one I am particularly fond of is the Subaru Outback commercial.  You know the one where this attractive couple are enjoying their "getaway" in a variety of spots "outback" in some desert looking place.  Part way through the day the guy realizes that he's lost his sunglasses.  They must have been a pair of those designer sunglasses...the really expensive kind...because they now turn around and revisit every spot that they've been all day!  They drive and drive, stopping here and there throughout desert land, looking and looking...but to no avail!  It's now dark, and they revisit a cave, whereupon the woman, who is now at the wheel, honks the horn to see if he's okay, and a flurry of bats accompanies him out of the mouth of the cave.  As he lifts the hood of his sweatshirt to protect himself from the bat guano, he finds that his sunglasses have been safely tucked into his hoodie the entire time.  He grabs them, and looks sheepishly at the woman in the vehicle, while shrugging his shoulders ...and then it happens...she tilts her pretty head, and then smiles the most beautiful smile you have ever seen!!!!  But that's not the best part....well it is and it isn't!!!  You see, every time she does that ...that smile tilt thing...I think to myself..."You are every person's dream....I would want you as a friend, a mother, a sister, a daughter... I just want you in my surroundings...No wait...I want to BE YOU....I want to be that woman who drives all day...looking for something that's not really lost at all, and then just smiles a beautiful smile when whatever it is finally discovered!!!"   Because we all know the reality...imagine being him and realizing that you just wasted the entire day looking for something you had all the time...that in itself would jump start my neuroses...ask someone to GO BACK for something I had forgotten....forget it!!! The last time I did that I got a major dressing down, enough to humiliate a 2 yr. old and I was 40 at the time!!..Then the "finding" of them would result in an explosive assault, followed by years worth of dirty looks whenever the item "sunglasses" were raised....it may even end up on my tombstone..."Here lies Sally....she lost her sunglasses and screwed up our entire day!...we have finally forgiven her!!"; So perhaps that's another reason why I love it so much...it's kind of like watching a fairytale, with the perfect ending! I just get a warm fuzzy feeling all over...and everything, for the moment, is OK! ...and it only took 30 seconds, and has no side effects!! What could be better!

Here it is... Enjoy, and let m know if you have better one!


Friday, July 30, 2010

Moonlight Swim

Well it's six a.m. and I haven't been to bed yet!  Here I go!! Had my night meds including 2 sleeping pills but no luck.  Matt was in the same boat so at about 3:30 we took off down to the lake, and he went swimming and I walked the dogs and paddled.  The moon looked beautiful, it's beams dancing across the rippling water, sending out a sparkling light which I couldn't catch on camera, but I did try! We tied the dogs' leashes together, and attached a flashing bulb to Ollie's collar so we could keep track of the two of them even in the dark. That worked pretty well. We stayed for an hour, and then returned home.  Matt was certain that he wouldn't be able to sleep and we should both just stay up and go back to the lake come sun up.  Well I suggested that he might want to try to lie down, and sure enough now...Matt's sleeping...Ollie's sleeping...Dudley's sleeping....and me.....well I'm writing this post!!! The day is beginning, and the sun is shining.  I wonder what this day will bring, and how much of it I'll see!!!!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Courageous People In sickness and health

Just watched a documentary called "A Lion in the House" which follows some families who have a loved one in a "critical care" situation.  What is glaringly obvious is that their world's have changed completely, and usually by one critical event...or a shocking diagnosis...one minute life is going along just fine, and your worried about the messy living room, and how much noise the kids are making, and the next minute none of that petty stuff matters...in fact even stuff that is important (such as paying your bills, and going to work) becomes the irritating noise in the back of your head, that's interfering with your ability to keep all your   focus on your child, or mother, or husband' or wife!!!!!! Everything around you fades away...life is now about getting through the minutes, days, and hours. surviving the treatments and diagnoses and then more treatments.  I watched these family members doing all they could do to make their family safe, against this monster called illness and disease. I was awed at their ability to keep going...their ability to stuff all their fear, and emotion, way down deep where it can't infect their child, their brother, their father...and then put one foot in front of the other, every day, for as long as it takes.  Courage is all around...it is in the eyes of the patient getting prepared to have that next treatment that they know will make them sick...it is in the eyes of the mother who holds down her child, despite the screaming, and maintains a calm demeanour while her heart is breaking, it is in the eyes of the doctor who enters the room with sadness in his eyes, but pulls himself together while he shares bad news with a patients family.
I am so blessed.  My children have all been healthy, and I feel as if I don't appreciate that gift enough.  I have taken it for granted and that must change.
How about it?  Do you take your health and that of your family for granted? Let me know what you think.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Sexuality Puzzle

I don't remember there ever being so much talk about sexual orientation amongst teens than in the past 10 years.  I'm all for supporting kids through this process, as adults who may understand all the family dynamics involved, and whether parents are supportive or not, but I worry that these days there is a trend to claim other than straight sexuality for the shock factor.  The resulting backlash can be dangerous when young people are so vulnerable.  A person's sexuality is a personal thing, and I don't understand the apparent need to be flagrant about it...providing pictorial essays to prove the fact.  When the motivation is to shock...the result is shock...and the result of that result..is to be offended that they're shocked!?...It just becomes more and more mixed up. The following youth website has more insight than I do...but they also suggest caution in making any sexual declaration in your early years.
http://sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-1.aspx
When I was a kid, I had a crush on my camp counsellor Sydney!!! I thought she was the coolest thing.  That was a natural part of being an adolescent...now I would be made to feel that I was gay.

..."Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?


The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. "

I have a personal experience here, that affects my judgement.  I met a man who, after a while, revealed to me me, that he had been severely molested by 2 men for many years, and this had confused his sense of himself, and his sexuality, or so he said.  It was a difficult time for us both, but I felt it must be more difficult for him, as he was going through the process of dealing with such horrendous events.  The confusion about sexual orientation had not been immediately revealed to me, and by the time the abuse was revealed, we were already in a pretty intense relationship.  I asked the questions..."are you gay"..."don't you think you should deal with this"..."it doesn't just go away?"...He always answered the way he knew I wanted him to answer..the way that would keep us together instead of apart.  Years later I understand how vulnerable he was then, and I also understand that if I had been wiser, and had better self esteem, I would have ended the relationship right then and there...but I didn't.  I loved him, and I couldn't imagine kicking someone out of my life at a time when they needed so much support.  But the result was a whole lot of misery and pain later.  A lot of unkind words were spoken over the years.
I am not homophobic!  I do not like or dislike someone because of their sexuality!  However,
i also wouldn't date anyone who was confused about their sexuality, and I think it is wrong for individuals who are unsure, to get involved in a romantic relationship with anyone.  It just isn't fair.  If that somehow makes me "homophobic" then I would debate ur definition of the term. And that's all I'm gonna say about that!
 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Conversations with God

As anyone who has read my blog knows, I live with my 13 year old son, 5 birds, 2 dogs, and 1 very fat cat!  We also have an XBox live and a computer with Internet (obviously or I wouldn't be talking to you now!)..which means I do spend quite a bit of time on my own.  Over the years I've developed a habit of talking to God out loud...when previously I did it in my head.  As you also know, if you've read my blog, I am ill, so I don't get out much, but on the occasions that I do, my little habit can be disturbing to others...say in the line for the bank machine...while picking vegetables in the produce aisle...while walking my dogs down the street!!  People already think I'm, how did someone put it..."out there"...but apparently that was a compliment!!! Anyhew, I though that since I'm "sharing" with you I'd let you in on a conversation that I had with God just this morning following watching....what else...CNN!
It went something like this...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this God...look at what's going on down here....do you see it? Of course you do you're God...but every thing's upside down...all hell's breaking loose...heinous tyrants and child molesters run free while little children are dying of starvation in a world full of food....This is insane God!!  How can this be...you're a "loving God"...can't we just feed the starving for awhile until the world sees how much better things could be if they got involved?...Just for a year...six months even?  People are getting millions and millions of dollars to make a movie...or play a game...come on God...help us out here!!  What?...I know You gave us "free will"...but free will sucks (excuse my language)...free will is way out of hand!! You've got to rein us in Lord before we implode!...You can't?...You won't....free will again...I get it...but I don't like it!!  Okay let's look at things a little differently....like...say....a game show, and You're the Host...Adam and Eve had 2 choices....door #1...a peaceful place to live out their lives with no worries, wars, or starvation...or #2...free will!!! Eve talks to a snake and then the whole of civilization suffers. Okay God, they were CRAZY ...who in their right mind would pick that...what?...Oh yeah...lots of people as it turns out...and they think we're crazy!!  Well couldn't we just change things up a bit...You know the whole "reality" TV thing that's going on down here...how about we create "Global Survivor" and You of course are still the Host.  Give us some little activity (not too strenuous...remember David and Goliath) and then we all get  to vote them off.....week #1...Osama Bin Laden...poof....week 2...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ...poof...week 3....(you see where I'm going with this)...Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir...poof ...You said don't hide you're light under a basket...no...we'll snuff the suckers out with a coconut!!!!...Great plan eh?... Okay...I know what's coming next...it's not up to us to take a life...You're decision...no votes...no doors...well one door right?  "Knock and the door will be opened"...But could You at least give me a hint about this "End Times" thing...I mean it's looking pretty darn bad....floods, famine, etc. and it's coming up on 2012?  just a little hint?  No?...What's that You say?....Just be ready...okay...talk to You later. Over and out!!!

And that's how it goes with us.  A little banter here, a little banter there...and a whole lotta soul searching in between!!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Roman Polanski-rewarding a deviant

In March 1977, film director Roman Polanski was arrested and charged with a number of offenses against Samantha Geimer, a thirteen-year-old girl[1] – rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, lewd and lascivious act upon a child under fourteen, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor.[2] At his arraignment Polanski pleaded not guilty to all charges,[3] but later accepted a plea bargain whose terms included dismissal of five of the initial charges[4] in exchange for a guilty plea to the lesser charge of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse.[4][5]

Polanski underwent a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation,[6] and it was expected that he would only receive probation at his sentencing. However, upon learning that he would likely face imprisonment and deportation,[5][7] Polanski fled to France in February 1978, hours before he was to be formally sentenced.[8] Since then Polanski has mostly lived in France and avoided visiting countries likely to extradite him to the United States.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Polanski_sexual_abuse_case

So the little slime bucket stayed away from North America, and continued his professional life basically unimpeded...just as if he wasn't  a rapist...people adore him, think he's brilliant...couldn't begin to imagine the reality of what he has done.  He helped that along by minimizing the circumstances, claiming the sex (with a 13 yr. old) was consensual, not mentioning the drugs and alcohol he poured down her throat before he raped her.  No...those little details were conveniently left out.  There was so much pandemonium over what happened to Polanski in the legal process, which was a mess, that the public's interest and awareness faded before all the facts were pronounced properly.  The so called "Judge" was unable to separate himself from his fascination with his own notoriety gained from this case, and how popular his opinions would be in the legal and entertainment world. While he struggled with changing his decisions, Polanski took off, as detailed in the wikipedia link.
Over the years interest faded, until an HBO documentary, and another film, revived the public's awareness, and brought the criminal and legal issues back into the limelight.  It started ironically, with Polanski's lawyers wanting a pardon for Polanski (!), and pursuing litigation against the Judge in question.  The little twerp has no shame!!  Then there were requests for Polanski to be returned to the United States to face his original rape charges... 

"Last September, the "Rosemary's Baby" director was arrested in Zurich on the basis of a U.S. extradition request stemming from a 32-year-old sex charge. In 1978, Polanski fled America after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl in Los Angeles.

He was freed last Monday after Swiss authorities declared that the U.S. had failed to provide records of a January hearing that would have shown Polanski had already served his sentence
"I'm not sure what I will do hereafter," Polanski told Swiss station TSR on Saturday. "For the moment I'm happy to be free."
http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/07/19/roman-polanski-happy-to-be-free/

So 8 months of "house arrest", and it's all good for Roman Polanski...he's happy he's free!
Maybe the woman who says he raped her at age 16 will have better luck seeking justice...but I doubt it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Shirley Sherrod

Racism is a "hot potato" issue and everyone who dares to venture close to this topic will usually be branded a "racist". 
So let's start by defining what racism is according to the dictionary as follows...

rac·ism   /ˈreɪsɪzÉ™m/ Show Spelled[rey-siz-uhm] Show IPA

–noun
1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Origin:

1865–70; < F racisme. See race2 , -ism
Related forms
racist, noun, adjective
an·ti·ra·cism, noun
an·ti·ra·cist, noun, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged

The other day a woman by the name of Shirley , Georgia Director of Rural Development, Sherrod was called to task regarding statements she made about an experience she had 24 years ago and spoke about at an NAACP sponsored luncheon in March.  A blogger had found and taken a segment of Ms. Sherrod's speech and loaded it on to you tube ( our source for all serious news!) and it quickly produced the uproar the he surely intended, and culminated in the firing of Ms. Sherrod, and then the subsequent International discussion that ensued.
Was she being racist...the quotes that were plucked out of context would support it...check out definition #1 above...then read on... Shirley Sherrod openly admits that her experience with white people had been seriously tarnished by the murder of her father when she was young.  The killer was white...the witnesses were black...it never went to trial.  She had promised herself that she would help her black brothers and sisters whatever she did in the future.  Then the turning point for Shirley arrived...
"The first time I was faced with having to help a white farmer save his farm, he took a long time talking but he was trying to show me he was superior to me. I know what he was doing, but he had come to me for help. What he didn't know while he was taking all that time trying to show me he was superior to me was, I was trying to decide just how much help I was going to give him," Sherrod said.

"I was struggling with the fact that so many black people had lost their farmland, and here I was faced with having to help a white person save their land. So I didn't give him the full force of what I could do. I did enough," Sherrod said. "So that when he, I assumed the Department of Agriculture had sent him to me, either that or the Georgia Department of Agriculture, and he needed to go back and report that I did try to help him."

In the video, Shirley speaks about referring the white farmer to a white lawyer, thinking the latter would be more sympathetic because of his race... "So I took him to a white lawyer that had attended some of training that we had provided because Chapter 12 bankruptcy had just been enacted for the family farm. So I figured if I take him to one of them, that his own kind would take care of him."

So what do you think so far?  Sounds like she is having trouble seeing past this man's colour, and over to the issue at hand...helping him save his farm?  This is the point where your "racist" viewers turn off the video...the time when they state categorically..."See...she's a racist handing out money to black people only..."
That's at point 22 minutes...the video is 43 minutes long!! You can watch it in it's entirety...

What have they left out...the part where the white farmer comes back because the white lawyer won't help him...he doesn' have any money!!!  Shirley shares that this moment was pivotal in her life, as she realized it wasn't about race...it's about money and power vs. poor and powerless.  She determined to help anyone who was powerless to help themselves, regardless of the colour of their skin....Now that's pretty racist dontcha think?
There's one race we should all be concerned about, and that of course is the "Human Race".  We get so caught up in picking the needles out of the haystack, that we spoil the hay...the most valuable part.
None of us are immune to the effects of this skewed racism.  A few years ago Canada was sited by the UN as being "racist" for using the term "visible minority" on it's census forms.
"UN calls Canada racist for 'visible minorities' tag
Canada's use of the term "visible minorities" to identify people it considers susceptible to racial discrimination came under fire at the United Nations Wednesday - for being racist....the Geneva-based Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination - also questioned other terms used by the federal government, among them "ethnocultural communities."
By Can West News Service March 8, 2007 "

UNITED NATIONS - Canada's use of the term "visible minorities" to identify people it considers susceptible to racial discrimination came under fire at the United Nations Wednesday - for being racist.
The world body's anti-racism watchdog says in a report on Ottawa's efforts to eliminate racial discrimination in Canada that the words might contravene an international treaty aimed at combating racism.
Members of the watchdog - the Geneva-based Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination - also questioned other terms used by the federal government, among them "ethnocultural communities."
Other highlights of the report include a call for Canada to provide welfare to undocumented immigrants and failed refugee applicants; an expression of concern about "racial profiling" in Canada; and a recommendation that Canada pass laws to prevent Canadian transnational companies from trampling on the rights of indigenous peoples overseas.
Released Wednesday, the report presents the committee's findings after its members last month grilled a Canadian Heritage-led delegation on Canada's anti-racism policies.
All countries that have signed the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination must appear periodically before the committee to explain how they are respecting the treaty.
While the committee's recommendations are not legally binding, Ottawa says it is taking note.
"Constructive suggestions made by the committee may be useful to Canada in order to enhance its implementation of the convention," says Canadian Heritage spokeswoman Dominique Collin.
Eliminating all forms of identification would raise the question: How can minorities be helped or protected if there is no definition of who they are?
"I don't think the committee members could have realized that Canada's use of the term 'visible minorities' is aimed at ensuring positive discrimination," says Martin Collacott, a former Canadian ambassador to a number of Asian and Middle Eastern countries, and currently senior fellow at the Fraser Institute, a Canadian think-tank."

I don't know what the real answer is, because even when people are trying to help, they are slandered for the mere distinction.  My little country village has little in the way of cultural diversity, and having lived in more diverse areas, I know that we are missing the blessing that come with sharing our cultural backgrounds and traditions.  We are a village of 1000 people, but the good thing is that our town (20 min. out) is growing in diversity, and hopefully this will have an impact on our village makeup.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

mel gibson's fall from Grace

It's always disappointing when someone who is revered for their talent turns out to be an absolute moron in real life!!  What is even sadder, but interesting, is that so many "atheists" are revelling in the fact that gibson wrote, directed and produced "The Passion of Christ".  As always, when someone  professes to have faith and then falls, it becomes a reason not to believe in God!!  Having faith, and living out your faith is a daily struggle, because we live in the world of sin...and if we are honest about it, I don't think that anyone can really dispute that evil is all around us, temptation to do evil is all around us, and the difference between Christians and non believers is that we/I know that I am struggling with things that non believers may not consider sinful, and I believe that my life will be much improved if I follow what Christ wants for my life...to love each other as He has loved me...what a strange concept!  Clearly mel is not loving Oksana as Christ has called him to do, and he should be condemned for that.  But the "worldly" truth is that if mel gibson comes calling with a film to be produced, he will produce it....if mel gibson approached actors/actresses and offers them million to play a role in his film, they will do it...if mel gibson produces and directs a film, and releases it to be shown in theatres, it will be released, and he will make a fortune, and the likelihood that he will suffer any consequence is minimal,  Just like Roman Polanski, it is okay in this world to rape a 13 year old girl, and continue to have unimpeded fame and fortune!
Any world that re veers and rewards individuals who commit heinous acts, usually with money and more fame, is misguided, confused, and ruled by evil, not good.  We, you and me, have the power to join together and fight this system of behaviour, from the bottom up. Don't buy that ticket, see or rent that movie, listen to or buy that CD, read or download that book.
For those individuals who are excited about the fall of Christians, I say it is strangely sad that some would take comfort in someone elses fall from grace, while at the same time denying it exists?

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Destiny of Darfur

The Associated press has recently released this article about the current situation in Sudan.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gndJKm5SlklOBRhtc1v_-KST_GmQD9GVMB180
As the article demonstrates, the Sudanese Government led by President omar al bashir, continues to ignore Universal Disgust of the practices of genocide on the African people of Dar fur, and raises the finger at the UN and everyone in it, by systematically removing aid workers from Sudan, and jailing reporters who dare to share truth with the world, about his tyranny.  Years upon years are going by, and nothing is being done to stop this.  The Geneva Convention made it a crime against humanity to commit genocide, and we finally have called it "genocide" (how long did that take, and how many died before that title was issued) and still there is no action....Why?  This Evil Tyrant has been charged with war crimes, but not arrested....why?  I don't understand, in this era of communication, technology, and super sleuthing...why are people like this man, still walking the earth freely...Just like other terrorists at large, this man needs to be stopped.  Is it just because his victims are poor black Africans??  If he were here in North America, practicing the same sort of evil, would we be so cavalier about it?  Our voices should be crying out...no...screaming out...to end this man's practices and his life. There is no forgiveness for men like these...I truly believe that if we were in Old Testament times, the very hand of God would reach down on this man's head, and pop it, like the insignific  ant pea that he is...and we would cheer and revel in his demise!!! Okay.....breathe!
Quite simply the destiny of Dar fur is in OUR hands.....what will we do?......

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Crazy truth about Life

It's a funny thing about life...when you're young all you can think about is when you get to be grown up...you practice having intense relationships in your dreams...you crave the day when you can drive a car...when you can have ur own place...when u can have ur own money...go out whenever u want...blah...blah...blah..!! Once you get to the point when you have ur own car...have ur own job...have ur own place...have ur own money/debt...all u can think about is what ur going to do when u get ur next job...place...car...more money...what u'll do when u reach ur goals...but the goals and desires kepp changing and before u know it...somehow...sometime...u start looking back...and the really funny thing is that the cars...the jobs....the places...and the money/debt...is/are...in the grand scheme of things...pretty unimportant.  The only thing that's important are the people and the relationships, and how they have helped to shape who you are, and how that has shaped other people's lives who have shared, in a big or small way, in your life.  It's those moments in time when you have been truly authentic, and allowed the real you to embrace someone and potentially change the course of their lives!  That's a pretty huge thing...it's the best thing...it's the only thing that will make your life significant.  It's hard to share this simple truth with young people, beacause...well...they're young people!! They are, by nature of their condition, somewhat ...or very ...self absorbed, impulsive, and feel knowledgeable beyond their years, and now a days being knowledgeable beyond their years is a pretty consistent condition for teens in our present culture.  Being 13 now is way different than being 13 when my older sons were 13, and way way different than when I was 13 (obviously...I rode my dinosaur to school!!)..so it's very hard to impart wisdom to these kids, especially Biblical wisdom...because if I'm not relevant, they surely can't gain anything from a book written more than 2000 years ago!!!!! They think!!!But these are the years that this wisdom can guide and guard them from so much pain and dissappointment...knowing that you are loved beyond all measure, and no matter what happens, you will continue to be loved, and valued, and seen as a precious gift to be cherished...to be wrapped up in that love changes you...strengthens you...protects you from making choices that would harm you, because you don't need more attention than you already have...you fell safe and at home in your own skin.  There is no ulterior motive, no measure to achieve,...just safety and love and "peace that surpasses all understanding". In my own adolescence I didn't feel that confident in my lovability...I felt that on the list of "needs" priority...my needs were last on the list, and I carried that notion throughout my life...I still have a hard time with boundaries and saying no...but I found a way to solve it...I just don't have relationships, I don't go out anywhere!!! I have enough on my plate that I struggle with anyway...I can't look after anyone else!! That may sound terrible, but it's true, and I just live with it!!  But kids I meet, I still want to share that truth with them, and I hope that one day God will give me the chance to do more for our youth.  Thatis...if I can ever get out of this house!!!!  Well so much for serious,,,,time to lighten up....next time!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

102 uses for Duct Tape!

If you've been anywhere in the eastern part of N. America in the past week then you know that it started by being hot (following 6 days of rain, a welcome relief for my poor fibro racked bones), then it was hotter than hot...then it was suffocatingly hot (with accompanying bouts of angina)....followed by overwhelmingly ridiculous hot!!  It was...in a word...HOT!  We began this heat wave adventure in good spirits, and looking forward to a much needed drying out, but as the week progressed it became more and more difficult to cope with the less pleasant side effects of the heat, and a hot house...those being....no sleep...no apetite...no energy (less than my low normal!)...no food...no will to shop...feeling faint, and suffering with angina.  We spent Monday - Wednesday at the lake, which is our usual method of escaping, but usually once we return home, the house has cooled, and we're comfortable and nicely tired enough to sleep...this week that was not to be.  No matter how late we came home, the heat was hanging like a lead curtain throughout the house, increasing in intensity the closer you got to the upstairs. By Wednesday when leaving the house I began to wonder if I should be going to the Lake, or the Hospital, and by the time we got home I knew that I had to do something to survive.  2 years ago I purchased 2 air conditioners, which had stayed neatly tucked away in the upstairs closet ever since.  I had to get these installed...it was our only hope.  Since I don't have a man, and the situation was dire, I wrestled one of the AC units out of the closet, and down the stairs...it was not a pretty site.  Once I opened the box and began reading the instruction manual (the first 5 pages being "warnings") I realized, as I wiped the sweat away from my burning eyes, that this manual was written in gobbledygook...that language that looks like English...but really has some other origin!! The words all pull together in what is supposed to be a sentence, however, no matter how many times, or how slowly you read it...it makes absolutely no sense at all.  My hopes were dashed...I almost wept.  By Thursday morning my stubborn little self, was on the phone trying to find a "handy man"!!! A fellow was recommended to me, and able to come that afternoon, so we stayed home and sweat ourselves out while waiting for his arrival. By the time he arrived I was exhausted, but clinging to the fact that I would soon be the happy owner of a cool house!  I had him bring the other AC unit downstairs, through the blistering heat of our upstairs (1/2 storey), and he then began to toil over the instruction manual himself ....reading...sweating...reading...re-reading...more sweating...groaning...(you get the picture!!)...after 2 1/2 hours of reading; sweating; and installing some parts on the main unit, he announced that he didn't feel that he had the right equipment or know how to complete the job properly, and then he left!  I was devastated and dashed...my hope for coolness and a night's sleep were gone.  I lay down on the coach and applied wet cloths to my body, praying for some kind of rejuvenation.  After about an hour  I came to my senses....I would not be daunted by this silly manual, meant to dissuade mere mortals like myself from installing air conditioners by themselves...it was pure propaganda...the type designed to waive any and all possible responsibility, from injury and or death...from a paper cut to electrocution, and I would NOT be marginalized...I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!
So over the next 2 days I installed those air conditioners, one by one, with every woman's most important household tool...Duct Tape!!!!!!  By Friday night Matt, Oliver and Dudley were all basking in the coolness that is now our first floor...just don't go upstairs just yet!  I suppose that at some point in the near future I will probably have to relent and ask another male to come to my home and install my AC units properly...but for now it's just kind of nice to know that despite being old, ill, and just a little bit crazy...I've still got it!!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Dolly Parton and the hamster

So I'm watching Dolly Parton, and Kenny Rogers, on Oprah...everyone singing those songs that everyone, fan or not, knows the lyrics to.  This takes me back to being 19, and having basically "run away" from Victoria BC where my parents lived briefly (that's how I got there, being unsuccessful at providing for myself, and my cat) and getting on a midnight train to Edmonton, with my boyfriend, who was 10 years my senior.  We sat in the dome car all night watching the mountains go by, the pristine snow sparkling in the light of a full moon! Incredible!! So what does that have to do with Dolly you say?  Well when we got to Edmonton, we had nothing but the clothes on our back and a small amount of money.  We found a really sleazy one room apartment, and bought 1 pot, 2 plates and a set of cutlery each.  We searched for jobs, and when we found them (a Bookstore for me, a contracting job for him) we decided we would splurge....so we went to the pawn shop and bought a little tape player and every Dolly Parton tape we could find!!!!  That little music machine provided hours of entertainment, and drowned out the sound of the inebriated couple next door as they fought on and on...and we sung "I will always love you" and other such songs!!!!  I remember we wanted a pet....and we could afford the pet...it was the cage we couldn't quite manage....so we got the hamster anyway, and it lived in the crisper container of the fridge...no, not in the fridge...the container was out of the fridge....we didn't need it anyway because we didn't have enough money to fill both crispers !!! We eventually "moon lighted" from that apartment to a better one room apartment! I also remember that winter in Edmonton is cold...when I say cold...I mean "deadly" cold.  Having come from Victoria, I didn't have any boots, and was wearing those little Chinese slippers, black cotton, with a little strap.  My feet got very cold going to and from work, but the interesting thing about the cold in Edmonton is that it actually "speed freezes" your flesh so quickly, that you don't realize that you can no longer feel your feet until about 2 hours after you're back inside!!!  That's presuming that they don't just come right off when you remove your shoes!!! It's the "thawing" not the "freezing" that is so incredibly painful.  It almost makes you want to just put your "shoes" back on and go back outside for awhile!!!! Anyway...it's funny how these things go...how things link together in a quirky kind of way!  the best thing about Dolly; the hamster; the weird neighbours; the cold and the man is...that I got a "Paul and Andrew" out of it ...so they're worth more than losing a few toes!!!...if I had lost any toes....which I didn't...but you get the point!!

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Thought About Commenting

Commenting, I realize, is an extremely frightening thing to do.  It is akin to leaving a voicemail...once you've left it...it's left...no way to retrieve it; erase it; take the words back.  I do need to point out that it is the same in general conversation....a word spoken perhaps in jest, can sometimes be explosive...but we don't seem to be as reluctant to talk as we are to leave messages or comments....funny that!!  Anyway, my point is, that there's really no need to be anymore scared of leaving a comment than you do when talking...the risks are the same, but no one knows who you are if you don't want them to, so it's really alot easier.  You can type whatever you want, and I can't *69 you to see who you are!!
But you see for us "Bloggers" the comment is EVERYTHING!!!!!....it's our "life's blood"...it's what we need to course though our veins, and keep us breathing in and out and to be perfectly frank.....right now I'm pretty darn anaemic!!!!!!  Please save me from myself....
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!!!!


I love gummy bears...no chocolate...no chips...but a nice big bowl of gummy bears is all I need to make me happy.  So when Matt told me I "had to see the gummy bear song" I was hesitant...it's never good to humanize one's food source...ask any farmer...that's why they don't name "hannah" the cow, because they know that sometime soon "Hannah" will be hamburger...and there's something wrong with having a hamburger named Hannah....don'tcha think? So you understand my hesitation!! Anyway, as you can see I did watch "the gummy bear song" and I'm sharing it with you.  I have been able to distance myself from the aforementioned difficulty mainly beacuse he's green....I don't eat the green ones...well that's not entirely true...If I'm really hungry I will combine the green ones with a whole lotta red or orange ones because they are my favourite, (duh..of course...who likes lime anyway?) and I scrunch them (red, orange, yellowish) around the "greenie" in order to overpower his greenie taste!!!  There's also something odd about the singing greenie gummie bear....not that being a singing greenie gummie bear isn't odd enough already but....I think he was in a fight....with Mike Tyson?! Just sayin!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Wimbeldon World

From previous posts, you may have read that I spent a lot of my time as a youth, playing tennis, and drinking, and sometimes playing tennis after drinking, which I don't recommend! So it naturally follows that when the great English Tennis Championship is on....I'm an enthusiastic viewer.  Also it's hard to cheer for SVU (Special Victims Unit), and Animal Cops...and I suppose you can cheer for Cesar Milan "the Dog Whisperer"...but it always comes out with a Spanish accent, and then I can't let go of it!!
But cheering for tennis is almost as awesome as cheering for Canada, with one big exception...Canada was not the underdog!!!!  I don't know why, but that is consistently my position....cheering for the underdog.  I remember the first Wimbledon that I was actively cheering, and that was when Margaret Court played Yvonne Goolagong in the final, and I was certain that Evonne would win....she had to....her story and her struggle demanded it!  I watched it with my grandmother, and she knitted while I wriggled around trying to be quiet but blurting out a cheer here and there.  Granny didn't think that anyone would beat Margaret, and she didn't want me to be too disappointed when Evonne lost!!...But she didn't lose!!!! When the press interviewed her she said the cutest thing....she was worried about dancing with the male winner...and was going to cheer for the shorter boy...she being just above 4 feet herself...things sure have changed...whites are no longer whites (with the exception of Wimbledon) and the most provocative in this line is Serena Williams...did you see her recent "tennis" wear, which resembled a black lace corset with red accents!!!  The noise at the Championships no longer comes from the spectators, but rather the players seem to be competing not only for scoring prowess, but also volume of yelps!!! The tennis racquet's are made out of something that NASA created, and if you serve at less than 100 mph, your game needs work!!  The game no longer varies from baseline to net...but is played almost entirely 5 ft outside the baseline...probably because playing inside the line could result in massive injury!.  My grandmother and I loved to watch tennis together, all the while her knitting needles clicking rapidly, but she never lowered her head ( I found that almost as engrossing as the tennis)...and I remember her saying emphatically that ..."they shouldn't allow aces...it's cheating!"....I wonder what she would say today....what do you think Granny?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Just chillin with the Cops! You go Girl!!!

So, here's the family (we Gardner's) warning my sister to "get out of Dodge" for the weekend, and avoid all protest areas....and what is she doing?...HANGING OUT WITH THE COPS!!! What a woman...the more things change the more they stay the same...that is soooo true about Angela!!!  When we both were kids, we couldn't wait for The Ex in the summer...but for different reasons...I just liked to hang out, do the games, shop etc., but Angela was a serious ride girl.  The bigger the better...the scarier they were, the more she wanted to ride them....meanwhile when I was about 8, I screamed so loud, and for sooo long on a "kiddie coaster" that they stopped the whole thing just to get me off!!!!  Also, on a family trip across the United States we, of course, stopped at the Grand Canyon, and Angela scared us all to death by going as close to the edge as possible without falling off.  I thought my Mother was going to have a heart attack!  So it's really no surprise that she attended the edge of "protester place"!  It would have been more unusual had she not....but there is one thing that my sister is truly terrified of.....3 Mexican men with violins!!!!! I'll let her explain that one!! Glad you're safe Angela!! 

The last flight of Charlie's Angel


On June 25th, 2009, we lost one of the most beautiful women of our time.  We might not have noticed, as her death was overshadowed by that of Michael Jackson's. She was not only very pretty, but she was also very intelligent, not that we knew or admired her for that.  As women, we probably either envied her, or tried to emulate her... or both...she was, after all, the "Woman on the wall" of all the boys we knew and loved!!
Big hair was everywhere, and the curling irons and hairspray were "must haves" if you hoped for male attention!  We loved Charlie's Angels, and I don't recall Farrah only being there for a year.  I remember being disappointed when  Farrah left, and it took a while before Cheryl Ladd was more than a second rate replacement for the real angel. If you say "Charlies Angels"....you still think Farrah Fawcett and not Cheryl Ladd...she made the show.  But then she seemed to disappear from the limelight, and until the "Burning Bed", she was almost forgotten.  Once she burned her abusive husband to death, she was back on top!  Anyone who ever had an angry spouse, could relate to her rage!
So it seems strange that this icon could pass on without much recognition of her death.  All the networks had their stories prepared....time slots set to deliver her eulogy...stills and video ready to roll...knowing that her time was short.  She still had a message for us all.  A message about battles, and cancer, and staying the course...powerful stuff...until Michael Jackson shocked the world by dying at an unscheduled time and place, and at an earlier age, with a much sexier story line than anal cancer.  Sorry, but sometimes we all make me so mad!
We still remember you Farrah, and remember you fondly, and the most important people in your life were with you when you left...and that's what really counts.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Who Killed the King of Pop?

Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death, and of course there are all sorts of commentaries about his life, his scandal, his struggles with drug dependency, and mostly his sudden death, that came as such a shock to everyone who ever knew of him and his music.  When he died, I must admit that my mind was most focused on the boys who had said that MJ sexually abused them...and some of the boy's, like Macaulay Caulkin(?sp), who said he didn't, but then displayed lots of the characteristics of an abuse survivor.  I wondered what they were thinking and feeling.  They would likely be ambivalent, and that would be understandable...ambivalence and self loathing are the cardinal signs...but I hope that those around them did, and continue to, support them appropriately as they cope with the revised version of the memories of MJ as they will continue to morph over time.
Today when I was watching the synopsis of his life, suggestions of a conspiracy and his memorial service where they sang "No more cryin now we are going to see the King"...I was a little confused as to whether they were referring to God or to MJ...maybe that was just me...but it reminded me of this song I knew as a child...


"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
"Who saw him die?" "I," said the Fly,
"With my little eye, I saw him die."
"Who caught his blood?" "I," said the Fish,
"With my little dish, I caught his blood."
"Who'll make the shroud?" "I," said the Beetle,
"With my thread and needle, I'll make the shroud."
"Who'll dig his grave?" "I," said the Owl,
"With my pick and shovel, I'll dig his grave."...
All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll for poor Cock Robin.  ...( you can fill in your own cast of characters!)

So who killed cock robin ? The King of Pop, died of an overdose of anaesthetic used to treat his insomnia.  At least that is what has been summarily reported, but apparently there is some dispute as to his cause of death, and on the eve of the 1st anniversary of his death, lawsuits have been filed by Jackson's father (who Jackson hated!) against the "This is it" corporation, as well as Dr. Conrad Murray who administered the medications to Michael, and was present at MJ's death (although he refused to sign the death certificate, despite the fact that MJ was already dead before he ever left his home)...so did Dr. Murray kill him?....apparently the family has more sinister beliefs than a mere medical error...there are emails where Dr. Murray had requested medical monitors, and a nurse...all of which were not delivered by AEG ... it is the families belief, although not clearly stated, that Mr. Ortega, AEG and all the producers of "This is it" were worried that MJ wasn't coming to rehearsals, and that MJ had explained that he needed Kenny Ortega to "build the house and he would come and paint the door" but AEG weren't buying it.  There are conflicts about whether or not MJ was fit enough to perform 50 concerts...the autopsy showing multiple health problems including bronchitis, brain swelling and other health issues that definitely would affect his ability to perform.  Just before writing this I watched "This is it "on HBO.  Taken from sections of rehearsal tapes, and blended together artfully, you got the flavour of what this show could have been...but it was also pretty obvious to me that he was not in peak performing condition, as he constantly downgraded his level of performance claiming he needed to "save his voice", which was also repeatedly off key or non existent.  I think if I had been the CEO of AEG, I would have been worried too! But I fail to see how MJ dead would be more profitable to AEG, than alive.  Was there some insurance taken out on Jackson to secure their investment?  It's also not clear whether it was MJ that wanted a personal physician, or AEG ... the contract for Dr. Murray's services and conditions there of remained unsigned by Jackson....why?

So my take on this day, after viewing "This Is It"?  It is very sad that a man with such talent could be so screwed up...but that fits the bill for our artists, and the perilous journey that most travel to get there.  As much as I can't really say I like the man, listening to his music tonight raised my spirits, and started me dancing, singing, and generally enjoying it.  His talent is undeniable.  What a waste of talent and life.

So "who killed The King" Michael Jackson? Will we ever know the truth about him...his life, and his death?  Highly unlikely!  But his music will live on, and bring joy to his listeners...and "This is it" would have been one heck of a show!!