Missing God

I miss God allot right now.  It's not that ...He's not around ...of course...He's all around...but I have neglected to involve Him in every aspect of my life, like I used to and loved to.  A relationship with God/Jesus, is really like any other and at the same time unlike any other.  When I was young I really only felt that "thrill" of being enveloped by His glory during the Christmas season, and then it waned into the background of life.  While I was a teenager the last thing I wanted was to consider Jesus my comforter because I was so darn angry with Him. I couldn't forgive Him for watching while I was violated so many times, and felt He did nothing to protect me, in fact even worse, the violator was a staunch Catholic, and I was supposed to respect him...have him in my home...sit down to dinner with him!!!!! It was more than I could imagine dealing with, and I blamed everyone for it.  Anger is a crippling thing.  It laces every other emotion with a tinge of bitterness..a hint of poison. It took a really ;long time for me to embrace the love of Christ...the love that had been there all along, but that I hadn't understood, and felt unworthy of. When I found Him...truly found Him, I was higher than any earthly high could ever attempt to take me...all the most incredible descriptive words in every language in the world could not fully describe the wealth of emotion, the fire in my heart, the intensity and joy I felt...but I let it falter.  Relationships take time, patience, commitment...and Jesus is no different.  You..I mean I..can't expect to have this phenomenal relationship with Christ if I continuously push Him to the sidelines and pursue this struggle called life, on my own.  I've never been very good at accepting or asking for help, and I know it's a "worthiness" thing, and a deep down fear that a) I don't deserve it and b) I'll be rejected.  Although this has been reinforced in the natural realm, Jesus has never once hung up on me, or refused to listen! So why am I cloistered in my house, with umpteen Bibles, and books, and time, and shutting up my heart?  I don't fully understand it myself. It's complicated!!!  Please pray for me.