It's been awhile since I wrote.  Things have been difficult, and hard to organize my thoughts in any comprehensive way.  The past 10 days have been particularly horrible, dragging my concrete body around, between couches and bed.  It just so happened that the position I was laying in pressed my chest hard on the pillow and I could feel my heartbeat...feel my heartbeat?..."well that seems awfully slow"..I said to myself with noone listening.  So I took my pulse, and it was a raging.....50! I walked around...55! Now I'm exhausted again and ready for aa four hour nap as I realize that the heart medication I've been taking for 4 years is working overtime at keeping my heart rate from racing...but not so much as to render me dead!  So...I stopped taking it (bisoprolol), and after reading about all it's other side effects, I don't think I'll be taking it again.  Wouldn't it be funny if I just stopped taking all my medications and was sudenly well again!! Hmm?

New Year...New Focus

It's been a tough 13 months, but now that we're officially in to 2012 I can honestly say that I believe the WORST is behind me. I say that with trepidation, as whenever I "claim" improvement, some demon somewhere decides to crash land in my soup and splatter my optimism all over my happier little face! Anyway, the point is, that the best part of 2011 occurred at exactly 11:59:59 December 31st 2011, and even that lasted too long!
As a New Year resolution for 2012 I have decided to rebel against the medical establishment that has filled me up with toxic medicines. The side effects of such "panacea's" has been a host of debilitating side effects that have rendered me too ill to function in this world. I may live longer...but living in bed is not all it's cracked up to be...sorry John and Yoko...but you know it's true!
I've also decided to take a closer look at our Canadian issues, as opposed to being glued to the everyday disasters of the US. Sure, they maybe more "sexy" than us Canadian folk...but at my age "sexy" is highly over rated!
So in honor of my new found interest in Canadian politics, please follow this hilarious YouTube link, or look it up yourself on you tube (if you're paranoid) entitled Canada for President...you'll love it! (if you're Canadian...if you're not then just skip it!) Happy New Year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XBNQTZyssg&context=C374fcc6ADOEgsToPDskJh1vTAnhiEaIpqZVwEgU0w

HELP PLEASE-Fighting Fibromyalgia with increased symptoms ?

It has been a really tough year, and seems to be heading for an even tougher one. I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but my symptoms of acute pain and fatigue have been joined by uncontrollable nausea, and severe sensitivity to scents causing me to vomit/heave. Everything gets worse for a week or so before my period (perimenopausal) where I'm bedridden with uncontrolllable pain and migraines then I have abaout 5 or 6 good days ( during which I try to get caught up on all the things I've been unable to do). This is followed by the acute nausea (I lost 15 lbs last month...couldn't eat)phase again. I'm thinking of stopping most of my meds to clear my system.....heart....bipolar2....fibrro. Don't know what else to do. Evry time they try me on a new med I get sicker. HELP...Any fellow sufferes having these issues? I would love to here from you. PLEASE!

Jesus Christ and the german shepherds!

As you know, if you read CAN U C ME, I lost my Mother this summer, and although Mom and I had a checkered past, we had become closer, and I knew more about who she was. So when the Funeral was set and we were off to the Church I knew that this is where she would have pictured herself being 9 from an earthly perspective, as she had spent many years at Holy Rosary. I no longer attended mass with my parents when I visited, if I was well enough I attended a Methodist Church, and although at first I know my family was disturbed by that, but appeared to accept it as time went on. Anyway, after Mom had been taken, and we watched the Hearst carry her away, I suddenly felt a longing to be alone in the beautiful Church, away for the business of the reception. Catholic Churches still hold a reverence for me, and one of the most beautiful parts are the splendid stained glass windows. I took my time, going from window to window, and talking to God and Mother while I went. I finally came to the window that depicts the wonders of the birth of Christ Jesus. Mary and Joseph were there, the manger, and Jesus in swaddling clothes and the....my mind thought it was deceiving itself at first, (some deeper Fibro Fog that was distorting the images I saw), but try as I might I couldn't remove the 2 German Shepherds lying in the front left corner...I called in my family, just to ensure I wasn't having some psychotic break...and they too saw the German Shepherds...upfront...in the Manger Scene!!!!!
Apparently the priest who ran the Church during it's window making days, liked German Shepherds! Well I like German Shepherds too, but I heartily doubt I would even think that I had the right to insert my own personal passion into a piece of art commissioned for the beautification of the communities Church!!! Apparently there are "German shepherd" images inserted in other areas...what if the next priest has a passion for tarantulas!!!!
Now what would Martin Luther have said about that!

Nate & Matthew take on....The Pond Monsters

The first summer after we moved into this house I decided I must build a pond. Ponds weren't trendy then, and I was too poor to get a fancy kit from a garden supply house, so I went down to our local pool installer and asked him if I could rummage through the cast off pool liners...he said "sure" because he had no use for them ( several years later you had to put your name on a list and pay a small dividend!) So off I went and hauled back a bright blue pool liner, and a black tarp (pool cover) to hide the blue. My yard was bare so I picked a spot in the middle towards the fence that led to the forest.

I dug for what seemed like an eternity and my son Andrew dug until he said it was 24" deep and we ended up with a small pond about 6 feet round, and 18" deep! I loved it, and every frog for miles loved it...the birds loved it...and anytime we had visitors we all went out to sit around "the pond"! Over the years the renovations of the pond took us to a new level where our goldfish over wintered and we were blessed with baby gold fish, Since I've been ill the pond and garden have suffered severe neglect, and I have been unable to enjoy it, or our summer firepit for at least 5 years. There was so much muck in the bottom that you couldn't run a pump, and I couldn't put fish in. My waterlilies (that had grown happily in No Frills baskets for 18 years) finally died too. Just last weekend, Matt and his friend Nate decided to take on the task of cleaning out the pond, and you have never seen 2 dirtier boys in the process!!! But if they weren't scary enough to look at you must see these monster frogs that are now swimming happily at a nearby abandoned quarry!!! Take into account the size of the boys hands holding the frogs....they're much bigger than mine.....

Any way...I am so excited that we will be able to have fish again, and sit by the fire roasting giant marshmallows as the bullfrogs serenade us! Also the fish will rid us of the mosquito larvae so my son Paul will able to sit aoutside with out fear of WestNile virus!!!(city boy!)

The Prettiest Girl in the World turned 6

On September 6th, this little beauty turned six years old. It hardly seems possible, and yet there she is, hugging our little "Ollie" (who doesn't look extremely happy, but is cooperating, which says allot for a Chi!
Gracie shares her birthday with another favorite person of mine, my Grandmother...Grace would have loved her too, and Granny would have fussed over Grace as if she were the only little girl in the world!
I am a lousy Grandmother....I live too far away to be of any use, and being ill further complicates my capacity to be the silly, fun loving, crazy granny that I want to be. I know that you'll think I'm just bragging, but Gracie truly IS the most brilliant 6 year old ever! And it doesn't even need to be said...but I'll say it anyway....she is, and has always been (since the moment of birth...which you can't often truly say) the most beautiful girl ever!! I am a poor substitute for her Uncle "Map" (she can of course now say Matt but I cling to the days when I would say "Hello Gracie...it's Granny G..." to which she would respond..."where's Uncle Map?"...and there our conversation would end!! I think that if I had the undying force of thwe Energy Bunny I might rate higher in her book, but who can blame her!! There was a time when Matt needed an afternoon nap, but that had long since expired until he spent the day with Grace....and then they both needed one!! It's funny when you think about how when we're young, we can't wait to grow up, and do all the things that the adults do...and yet when we grow old, we spend most of our time thinking about when we, and everyone else was young!

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday sweet Gracie

Happy Birthday to you!

XXXXXX000000

Night Musings

The other night, when I couldn't sleep, which seems crazy after all the drugs I've consumed in order to achieve it, I gave up and was beckoned outside by this glorious moon. The clouds were moving, but only infinitesimally, so that you had to look away for a second and then look back to really see they had changed. The garden was bright, and the bullfrogs croaked in unison! There was scuffling going on in the woods behind us...nocturnal business of some kind. I was reminded of a night when I sat quietly beside the pond, and in the lights on the bushes a small silhouette seemingly fell out of the sky, and onto the gravel path before me. It was about the size of my hand, and busy with something so important that it didn't seem to notice my presence. As my eyes adjusted to the light I realized that it was a very small owl (sawheet I think) eating an even smaller mouse! I was entranced as I shared this moment. I tried to hold my breath for fear of giving away my presence, and then after it was done it turned it's head, in that Linda Blair fashion, looked at me straight in the eyes, and then flew up into the Pines! It was as if he had known I was there all the time, but had given me permission to witness his evening meal, and I felt an extreme sense of privilege that he had! I suppose if there's a moral to this story it must be that sometimes sleep is overrated and maybe something more magical awaits us if we choose to take the opportunity.