As I've already said, the idea of this blog was to try to do something consistent and the obvious result is that there isn't anything that I can do consistently with the exception of being consistently I'll, consistently in pain, and consistently weaker with each fibromyalgia flare up, depressive episode,
more frequent periods of suicidal thoughts becoming more serious with each period of unrelenting pain, constant nausea, rotting teeth, and panic attacks/heart attacks.
There's no escape from the mental and emotional desperation I feel. Nothing really matters anymore. I have lost all hope of getting better and so I'm worthless...I have nothing to offer anyone and I have become an inconvenience to most. I just barely get through each day now. I wake up and go back to sleep thinking about how to end the pain with every minute in between. Right this very minute I'm fighting debilitating nausea. I lay on the couch, bucket beside me and pray that either the nausea will stop or I will die...the latter is most likely.
I am alone for the first time in my life. I've been a parent since I was 20 but now my family is too far away to visit and besides everyone has their own lives to live. I understand that however it hurts my heart...I am profoundly sad.
I just need this to be over.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Wow! I'm not DEAD,
It has been far too long since I posted to my blog for many reasons but mostly because I've been really ill including another heart attack; major depressive episodes with suicidal ideation; financial problems blah blah BLAH!!!! Lots of problems with medications and their side effects.
Basically struggling like so many other chronically ill people and retreating into the fetal position to make it through each day. Not much fun but I'm still here...you're still here (that is if you're reading this : ) ) so life continues. I've got a lot of updating to do on this site as it seems there's a lot that's not working right now, but for now just a "Hey out there" and hopefully I can relearn how to work this blog!
Basically struggling like so many other chronically ill people and retreating into the fetal position to make it through each day. Not much fun but I'm still here...you're still here (that is if you're reading this : ) ) so life continues. I've got a lot of updating to do on this site as it seems there's a lot that's not working right now, but for now just a "Hey out there" and hopefully I can relearn how to work this blog!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
How 2 b consistently inconsistent!
Oh my....it's been a year since I've written and so much has happened. For starters....I'M HEALED !!!!>>>> Well no I'm not healed unfortunately, but I'm also not dead so that's good. I've decided that it"s best to have NO expectations rather than setting the bar too high. That way by default my day has been successful if I manage to get out of bed, or if I answer the phone and speak to another human being! Not that my son and his friends aren't human, but my standards for vocabulary,clothing, food choices, and terms of endearment have suffered abit in the past 10 years. But it's Spring/Summer again and my butterflies will be back because my lilacs are blooming and I'll try to make this gorgeous sunshine fill me up and raise me up. I have promised my sister that I will try to eat better and get somone in to do the things I cannot do without crashing.
I have also become obsessed with the Jodi Arias trial and I am floored by the recent mistrial and I wonder what was going on in that jury room who had signed up to declare the death penalty but then they didn't??!!
I foolishly looked at the crime scene photos of that poor young man and there's NO POSSIBLE WAY that she had mitigating factors to avoid death. NONE!!!! In her appeal for life she sounded as if she was applying to be on student council suggesting that Travis Alexander being stabbed 29 times, had his throat slit from ear to ear, dragged into the bathroom and pushed in the shower, and shot him in the head and left him there to rot while sending him phone messages was simply acceptable payback for their troubled relationship! But there's something going on with the jury foreman that I think will be examined and found to be lacking...perhaps criminal.
I have also become obsessed with the Jodi Arias trial and I am floored by the recent mistrial and I wonder what was going on in that jury room who had signed up to declare the death penalty but then they didn't??!!
I foolishly looked at the crime scene photos of that poor young man and there's NO POSSIBLE WAY that she had mitigating factors to avoid death. NONE!!!! In her appeal for life she sounded as if she was applying to be on student council suggesting that Travis Alexander being stabbed 29 times, had his throat slit from ear to ear, dragged into the bathroom and pushed in the shower, and shot him in the head and left him there to rot while sending him phone messages was simply acceptable payback for their troubled relationship! But there's something going on with the jury foreman that I think will be examined and found to be lacking...perhaps criminal.
Friday, June 8, 2012
a little bit of Heaven....
A few days ago I ventured out of my house (something I don't do often) and settled myself in the shade of my apple tree which is flanked by a 30 foot long by 14 foot high hedge of Lilac bushes in full bloom. The air was heavy with scent and the sun was shining; the wind breezing; and the birds singing...a perfect day...couldn't get more perfect...ah but could it? When I was a youngster I used to study and catch butterflies, and spent many entire days cycling to a vacant lot by the railway on Chartwell Rd, accompanied by my best friend, a thermos of Roses lime cordial, and some peanut butter sandwiches. There we stayed, running back and forth, our nets waving vigorously in hot pursuit of that illusive Tiger Swallowtail, or Fritillary.
Preamble over with... as I sat under my tree I noticed some slow rhythmic movements, and fluttering, above and upon the blossoms of the Lilac bushes, and although I thought it was a Tiger Swallowtail at first (which are common) I soon realized that it was a Giant Swallowtail, and not only one, but a dozen!!! Wow! I was blown away. Giant's are very slow and graceful, spending allot of time on the plant, while opening and closing their wings very slowly, followed by occasional wafting from bloom to bloom and fluttering rather than flying between blossom's. It was like an incredible ballet, and these beautiful creatures came back every day..all day...for 3 days! Just when your getting ready to sell your soul for a quick and easy death, something comes along to show you that maybe there are things worth hanging around for. After all my continued existence can't harm the butterflies right??...well....I did "collect 2" specimens but I couldn't help myself...I had to "capture" the moment...literally. Hmmmm.
While looking foe a picture of this butterfly I came across this article from the Ottawa Citizen about the arrivak of this species in our area! Please read the link and view the pic so you'll know what your seeing in your garden and how truly cool that is...may be global warming has some perks.....ya think?
Oh by the way writers....what is the "strike through" option for? School me please.
Preamble over with... as I sat under my tree I noticed some slow rhythmic movements, and fluttering, above and upon the blossoms of the Lilac bushes, and although I thought it was a Tiger Swallowtail at first (which are common) I soon realized that it was a Giant Swallowtail, and not only one, but a dozen!!! Wow! I was blown away. Giant's are very slow and graceful, spending allot of time on the plant, while opening and closing their wings very slowly, followed by occasional wafting from bloom to bloom and fluttering rather than flying between blossom's. It was like an incredible ballet, and these beautiful creatures came back every day..all day...for 3 days! Just when your getting ready to sell your soul for a quick and easy death, something comes along to show you that maybe there are things worth hanging around for. After all my continued existence can't harm the butterflies right??...well....I did "collect 2" specimens but I couldn't help myself...I had to "capture" the moment...literally. Hmmmm.
While looking foe a picture of this butterfly I came across this article from the Ottawa Citizen about the arrivak of this species in our area! Please read the link and view the pic so you'll know what your seeing in your garden and how truly cool that is...may be global warming has some perks.....ya think?
Oh by the way writers....what is the "strike through" option for? School me please.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
It's been awhile since I wrote. Things have been difficult, and hard to organize my thoughts in any comprehensive way. The past 10 days have been particularly horrible, dragging my concrete body around, between couches and bed. It just so happened that the position I was laying in pressed my chest hard on the pillow and I could feel my heartbeat...feel my heartbeat?..."well that seems awfully slow"..I said to myself with noone listening. So I took my pulse, and it was a raging.....50! I walked around...55! Now I'm exhausted again and ready for aa four hour nap as I realize that the heart medication I've been taking for 4 years is working overtime at keeping my heart rate from racing...but not so much as to render me dead! So...I stopped taking it (bisoprolol), and after reading about all it's other side effects, I don't think I'll be taking it again. Wouldn't it be funny if I just stopped taking all my medications and was sudenly well again!! Hmm?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
New Year...New Focus
It's been a tough 13 months, but now that we're officially in to 2012 I can honestly say that I believe the WORST is behind me. I say that with trepidation, as whenever I "claim" improvement, some demon somewhere decides to crash land in my soup and splatter my optimism all over my happier little face! Anyway, the point is, that the best part of 2011 occurred at exactly 11:59:59 December 31st 2011, and even that lasted too long!
As a New Year resolution for 2012 I have decided to rebel against the medical establishment that has filled me up with toxic medicines. The side effects of such "panacea's" has been a host of debilitating side effects that have rendered me too ill to function in this world. I may live longer...but living in bed is not all it's cracked up to be...sorry John and Yoko...but you know it's true!
I've also decided to take a closer look at our Canadian issues, as opposed to being glued to the everyday disasters of the US. Sure, they maybe more "sexy" than us Canadian folk...but at my age "sexy" is highly over rated!
So in honor of my new found interest in Canadian politics, please follow this hilarious YouTube link, or look it up yourself on you tube (if you're paranoid) entitled Canada for President...you'll love it! (if you're Canadian...if you're not then just skip it!) Happy New Year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XBNQTZyssg&context=C374fcc6ADOEgsToPDskJh1vTAnhiEaIpqZVwEgU0w
As a New Year resolution for 2012 I have decided to rebel against the medical establishment that has filled me up with toxic medicines. The side effects of such "panacea's" has been a host of debilitating side effects that have rendered me too ill to function in this world. I may live longer...but living in bed is not all it's cracked up to be...sorry John and Yoko...but you know it's true!
I've also decided to take a closer look at our Canadian issues, as opposed to being glued to the everyday disasters of the US. Sure, they maybe more "sexy" than us Canadian folk...but at my age "sexy" is highly over rated!
So in honor of my new found interest in Canadian politics, please follow this hilarious YouTube link, or look it up yourself on you tube (if you're paranoid) entitled Canada for President...you'll love it! (if you're Canadian...if you're not then just skip it!) Happy New Year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XBNQTZyssg&context=C374fcc6ADOEgsToPDskJh1vTAnhiEaIpqZVwEgU0w
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