As I've already said, the idea of this blog was to try to do something consistent and the obvious result is that there isn't anything that I can do consistently with the exception of being consistently I'll, consistently in pain, and consistently weaker with each fibromyalgia flare up, depressive episode,
more frequent periods of suicidal thoughts becoming more serious with each period of unrelenting pain, constant nausea, rotting teeth, and panic attacks/heart attacks.
There's no escape from the mental and emotional desperation I feel. Nothing really matters anymore. I have lost all hope of getting better and so I'm worthless...I have nothing to offer anyone and I have become an inconvenience to most. I just barely get through each day now. I wake up and go back to sleep thinking about how to end the pain with every minute in between. Right this very minute I'm fighting debilitating nausea. I lay on the couch, bucket beside me and pray that either the nausea will stop or I will die...the latter is most likely.
I am alone for the first time in my life. I've been a parent since I was 20 but now my family is too far away to visit and besides everyone has their own lives to live. I understand that however it hurts my heart...I am profoundly sad.
I just need this to be over.
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