The View from in Here/ You're Worth It

well I'm still in the pit...but not at the point of no return.  When I look up too long my neck gets sore and my face gets wetter from the rain but that mixes in with the tears s and just becomes another wet face day!
There's little sun getting down and when I try to muscle up the energy to climb up, hoping to feel the warmth of the sunshine but then I;m become nervous about someone seeing me in such a state and crawl back into the pit. I;m here again...sad SAD sad...weeping is really a game breaker when chatting to people, can't call them up and then burst into tears...not much fun and seems manipulative to me.  Darlene has been such a lifesaver for Matt and me rescuing us from hospital admissions and comforting Matt during both my panic attack and heart attack.  I'm sure she's starting to give up on me...but calling her to bawl down the other end of the phone line just not my thing. This whole "reach out" phobia came naturally from learning by experience that my issues or circumstances weren't  important as compared to everyone else's.I know that sounds petulant, but it really isn't...it's just a statement of fact and happens to allot of people...it happened to my eldest son Paul. There's so much emotion flowing though the family that the one who makes the most noise wins, and the quiet ones just languish in the background noise and try to lick our own wounds...but since we're not old enough to recognize that we are victims of circumstance we internalize our pain, and wounds run deeper.  In my case my family was struggling with a strained married after emigrating from England to Canada, and although I didn't know what was going on, I could feel it...the tension in the air was palpable.  Then my sister was having problems, and she was very angry.  When she wasn't fighting with my parents, which was daily, she fought with me!! Physically, emotionally...whatever way she could, and she knew how to get me too!!She was very angry with me for some reason, and her rage spilled out all over us.  Her experimentation with drugs and alcohol was of great concern, but I was beginning to have had enough.  I couldn't protect my self from her rages, and my parents were besides themselves with what to do with her, but wouldn't kick her out (which is obviously what I wanted...to be safe) so we went to counselling.  That was even more offensive since I was being sexually abused by my grandfather on a daily basis (every lunchtime!) and some days would go from school (which I hated) to counselling which was focused on my sister, and back to being molested, and on again back to school! This was my ninth grade year! I couldn't protect myself from old "Grandpa" either because my Mom was worried that my Grandmother (the greatest woman in the world) would be upset if she discovered what "Grandpa" had been doing to me, and that she would be devastated!!! Curious rationalization you must admit but anyway....I don't remember much of High School at all!!!  Are you surprised!!! Anyway, much later in my troubled life my own middle son created his own stir, and Paul became a victim of that.  Andrew and Paul both were suffering from my poor choices in men...always picked the abusive one...go figure!!! But after many years we got out from under into a little scraggly house in a small village, but that's when the rage began.  By 13 he was bigger than me, by 14 he was threatening me..and by 15 I wrote him up a contract to sign as to behaviour and expectations and he moved out.  Don't know for sure, but I think Paul was greatly relieved and although I love Andrew deeply, I could sleep at night without wondering if he was going to kill me or burn down the house!!!Sounds too dramatic, but it's true.  I feel very responsible for everything I put them through, and I know I was a disappointment to Mom and Dad...but this stuff runs deep, and as long as you try to hide it the more damage it does to you physically and emotionally.  All that cortisol streaming through your veins as you navigate your crazy life using "Fight and Flight" as your core coping strategy ( plus a whole lot of wine!) leaves your body weak and unable to defend itself.  So think about it...are you under huge amounts of stress....don't be a martyr...get help...if you think things in your family are screwed up...talk to someone...if you're a kid...call a counsellor. kids helpline...tell a friend.  Don't struggle on your own and think that's it's all your fault.  You deserve help too...you're not insignificant but sometimes the people who ideally would listen to you are presently"unavailable for comment"! They're too caught up in the drama to see the whole picture. You're Worth it...DO it!!