I went to Church today.
That seems like such an innocuous statement...except for the fact that I've only been to Church twice in the past 1 1/12 years!
Even that may not seem so significant to some, those whose attendance at Church can be measured by decades rather than years. That was my attendance record for much of my teenage and adult life until, out of the depths of despair, I reached out in desperation and was caught up by the hand of God. It is an experience that I wish all could have. After that, a fire burned within me, and every moment of my life had purpose...to learn and share God's truth. It was an exciting time...full of passion and activity. This wasn't just a Sunday thing....this was like breathing...every minute or every moment of every day!
Then how could it be that it's been 11/2 years of abstinence? That's a hard question to answer...many reasons. Firstly, after being extremely involved in lots of activities/ministries I became ill, and though I continued for awhile, I wasn't physically or emotionally able to be consistent in anything. I had stopped working several years before, and by then I felt extremely guilty for not being able to function in a reliable way...so I quit, rather than be a disappointment. Of course quitting was disappointing too and thus began the gradual erosion of my relationship with my Church (who have been awesome despite my failures). I convinced myself , after awhile, that I was unworthy of my congregation's affections because I had nothing to give them in return...after all "giving is better than receiving...right?! Giving is GREAT....I've loved giving...but receiving is much more painful. I have experienced allot of pain with respect to receiving, because it involves trust, and I had learned early in life that trust/receiving involves vulnerability and then of course humility. Vulnerability and humility are pretty scary places to go. So I stopped...going I mean...to Church; Bible study;singing etc! Lucifer has a hay day with those of us who are struggling. We've already plowed the field into which he can sow a multitude of seeds of self doubt and negativity. We decide that all the parishioner's have nothing better to do with themselves than speculate as to the damnation of our souls as 1 Sunday's absence multiplies into 10! This absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather reinforces our already miserable sense of ourselves, digging us deeper and deeper into the solace that has become our/my lives (life).
It took allot of preparation to ensure I could attend Church today.(That sounds ridiculous, especially as it's location is so near I could throw a rock at it....well not that close...and I'd never throw a rock at it, but you get the point!!!)I won't go into all the gory details, but with all the illnesses I have , I have to basically shut down all operations and stay in bed for 2 days prior in order to make it to anything!!!! I'm totally serious!!
So I go today, and every one's happy to see me,,,and I didn't break into a massive sweat off, and was able to get up and down for each and every song (though it was harder as the service went on).
I closed my eyes and sang too loud....I was home! But the most amazing thing is that GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! As pastor McCraken delivered his homily (with tables...chairs....cutlery..and co-stars!) he spoke a message directly to ME!! He talked about excuses (!!!!!!) and all the things that I needed to hear!!
So THANK YOU PASTOR AND THANK YOU GOD!!!.
That seems like such an innocuous statement...except for the fact that I've only been to Church twice in the past 1 1/12 years!
Even that may not seem so significant to some, those whose attendance at Church can be measured by decades rather than years. That was my attendance record for much of my teenage and adult life until, out of the depths of despair, I reached out in desperation and was caught up by the hand of God. It is an experience that I wish all could have. After that, a fire burned within me, and every moment of my life had purpose...to learn and share God's truth. It was an exciting time...full of passion and activity. This wasn't just a Sunday thing....this was like breathing...every minute or every moment of every day!
Then how could it be that it's been 11/2 years of abstinence? That's a hard question to answer...many reasons. Firstly, after being extremely involved in lots of activities/ministries I became ill, and though I continued for awhile, I wasn't physically or emotionally able to be consistent in anything. I had stopped working several years before, and by then I felt extremely guilty for not being able to function in a reliable way...so I quit, rather than be a disappointment. Of course quitting was disappointing too and thus began the gradual erosion of my relationship with my Church (who have been awesome despite my failures). I convinced myself , after awhile, that I was unworthy of my congregation's affections because I had nothing to give them in return...after all "giving is better than receiving...right?! Giving is GREAT....I've loved giving...but receiving is much more painful. I have experienced allot of pain with respect to receiving, because it involves trust, and I had learned early in life that trust/receiving involves vulnerability and then of course humility. Vulnerability and humility are pretty scary places to go. So I stopped...going I mean...to Church; Bible study;singing etc! Lucifer has a hay day with those of us who are struggling. We've already plowed the field into which he can sow a multitude of seeds of self doubt and negativity. We decide that all the parishioner's have nothing better to do with themselves than speculate as to the damnation of our souls as 1 Sunday's absence multiplies into 10! This absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather reinforces our already miserable sense of ourselves, digging us deeper and deeper into the solace that has become our/my lives (life).
It took allot of preparation to ensure I could attend Church today.(That sounds ridiculous, especially as it's location is so near I could throw a rock at it....well not that close...and I'd never throw a rock at it, but you get the point!!!)I won't go into all the gory details, but with all the illnesses I have , I have to basically shut down all operations and stay in bed for 2 days prior in order to make it to anything!!!! I'm totally serious!!
So I go today, and every one's happy to see me,,,and I didn't break into a massive sweat off, and was able to get up and down for each and every song (though it was harder as the service went on).
I closed my eyes and sang too loud....I was home! But the most amazing thing is that GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! As pastor McCraken delivered his homily (with tables...chairs....cutlery..and co-stars!) he spoke a message directly to ME!! He talked about excuses (!!!!!!) and all the things that I needed to hear!!
So THANK YOU PASTOR AND THANK YOU GOD!!!.
2 comments:
Well Sally, you can count on me to bi pass international crisis, natural diasters, church controversy and Darfur to post a comment on. You can file this under "Insane Awesomeness".... On Monday night I got a last minute ticket to see Jon Bon Jovi at the ACC. I sat, or should I say, stood 22 seats from the stage while Jon and the boys brought the house down for 2-1/2 non-stop hours. Never has a pair of black, tight Levi jeans and a T shirt looked so good. I'm just saying.....
Well Ange...sometimes "rockin out" beats all....I wouldn't know but I'm sure it's true! Any pics?
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