Can U C Me?

This blog has grown out of a desire to do something...anything... consistently and I almost have, for one year, with a bit of a gap between the Iranian Protests and the Haitian Earthquake! I am 51, I have fibromyalgia which simply spells P A I N plus headaches, year long flu symptoms and exhaustion , also heart disease, thyroid problems and a sprinkling of depressive disorder! My youngest son is 13, has ADHD and more energy than any "energizer bunny" I've ever seen, pink or not! I don't go out much anymore...unless it's dark, I'm wearing a hat...and a big coat to cover the fact that I'm really in PJ's having only left my slippers behind! (actually sometimes I do wear my slippers...I live in a small village...Stacey London would go MAD!)

Anyway, I'm reaching out, by reaching in as it were! I write about my life (!) current family and anything that occurs to me. Hope you'll stay awhile and even if you only stay a minute Please ... Please leave a comment! I get so excited when I get a comment it just makes my day! Thanks .

Monday, September 5, 2016

Better off dead

As I've already said, the idea of this blog was to try to do something consistent and the obvious result is that there isn't anything that I can do consistently with the exception of being consistently I'll, consistently in pain, and consistently weaker with each fibromyalgia flare up, depressive episode,
more frequent periods of suicidal thoughts becoming more serious with each period of unrelenting pain, constant nausea, rotting teeth, and panic attacks/heart attacks.
There's no escape from the mental and emotional desperation I feel. Nothing really matters anymore. I have lost all hope of getting better and so I'm worthless...I have nothing to offer anyone and I have become an inconvenience to most. I just barely get through each day now. I wake up and go back to sleep thinking about how to end the pain with every minute in between. Right this very minute I'm fighting debilitating nausea. I lay on the couch, bucket beside me and pray that either the nausea will stop or I will die...the latter is most likely.
I am alone for the first time in my life. I've been a parent since I was 20 but now my family is too far away to visit and besides everyone has their own lives to live. I understand that however it hurts my heart...I am profoundly sad.
I just need this to be over.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Alive could be an overstatement!

as my initial mission for this blog was to try to be consistent in something you can see that has been a dismal failure! My apologies.
As I sit here pondering my existence and my future I must concede finally that I am not equipped to carry on. I lack both the physical and mental abilities to manage my life, and spiritually I have lost that full knowledge of Gods promises to me and the strength that gave me even when faced with death.
Anyone with a chronic illness knows that is not just the patient that suffers but all of those around them and as time goes by it becomes taxing on them to the point of exhaustion and not surprisingly desensitizing to the serious nature of the problems.  Even I have still to learn when I,m in deep trouble. It's hard to ask for help in a world where everything moves so quickly, lives so full of family and friends, all the special moments go by in a flash and they're gone and I've missed them.
I've made so many mistakes in my life and lived the consequences by blundering through and not dealing with the real issues.
So in closing I just want to urge anyone whose struggling to reach out and find one advocate who will stand by you and help you to stay afloat when your drowning in this muddled up mess of mental illness or any illness.
Sometimes you have to give up in order to get up. Not an easy thing to do

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Wow! I'm not DEAD,

It has been far too long since I posted to my blog for many reasons but mostly because I've been really ill including another heart attack; major depressive episodes with suicidal ideation; financial problems blah blah BLAH!!!! Lots of problems with medications and their side effects.
Basically struggling like so many other chronically ill people and retreating into the fetal position to make it through each day. Not much fun but I'm still're still here (that is if you're reading this : ) ) so life continues. I've got a lot of updating to do on this site as it seems there's a lot that's not working right now, but for now just a "Hey out there" and hopefully I can relearn how to work this blog!