Confessions of a "dead beat" sponsor

I tell everyone I can that they should sponsor a child.  It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, there really is no good reason not to do it...and if everyone in the "developed" world (interesting term that isn't it) sponsored a third world child and thereby a community, just think of the impact that we would have on the world!!!!It would be so HUGE that everything....everything would be forever transformed.  How exciting to be a part of that! We sponsor a young woman, and a little boy, the boys have been 3 in succession, but the girl has been a constant in my life for about 9 years now. When I first had the privilege to sponsor Ncube in Lusaka, Zambia, she was just a wee little girl, all shy, but smiley in her picture.  She has a large family and had lost her brother to sickness.  I would write to her often, send her fun little things and I once asked her what her name meant and she told me..."why are we dying".  It was as casual as anything in her letter, no drama, nothing pathetic about it.  I found out that in impoverished areas in Africa, most children don't live past the age of 5 years. She had just beaten the odds, and we took great pleasure in watching her grow, and seeing her drawings, and reading her letters.
Then I became ill, and my letters became fewer.  It was because I just couldn't physically pull it together, and emotionally I was a wreck to the deepest degree.  I felt incapable of being authentic with her, and also very guilty about even being in a struggle considering the monumental struggle that is her life...I just couldn't say anything...and so I stopped.  It's so sad, her letters became fewer, her pictures smaller, no smile in her last photo.  She's a woman now! A beautiful young woman, and sometimes I think that I could explain it all to her now.  Most of all I'd love to tell her that it is she who has most inspired me whenever I've felt so low that I don't want to get out of bed or even go on.  That her strength, her courage and her faith have truly impacted my life.  It's interesting how God works though isn't it...I thought I was helping her!!!